Affirmations for kids are wonderful and powerful! We all know, I love affirmations! I use them daily and, hello, I've been creating new ones left and r ...
Whether it’s a toy-related conflict, a tough math equation, or negative peer pressure, kids of ALL ages face problems and challenges on a daily basis. Use these effective strategies and activities to teach your children and preteens important problem-solving skills.
by Dr. Jane Nelsen A Positive Discipline Parenting Tool Card A natural consequence is anything that happens naturally, with no adult interference. When you stand in the rain, you get wet. When you don’t eat, you get hungry. When you forget your coat, you get cold. No piggy backing allowed. Adults piggy back when they lecture, scold, say, "I told you so," or do anything that adds more blame, shame, or pain than the child might experience naturally from the experience. Children usually feel bad or guilty when they make a mistake. Piggy backing lessens the learning that can occur from experiencing a natural consequence because the child stops processing the experience and focuses on absorbing or defending against the blame, shame, and pain. Instead of piggy backing, show empathy and understanding for what the child is experiencing: "I’ll bet it was hard to go hungry (get wet, get that bad grade, lose your bicycle)." When it seems appropriate, you could add, "I love you and have faith in you to handle this." It can be difficult for parents to be supportive without rescuing or overprotecting, but it is one of the most encouraging things you can do to help your children develop a sense of capability. Let’s look at an example of how natural consequences work. Billy, a first grader, forgot his lunch every day. Mother would interrupt her busy schedule to drive to school with his lunch. After learning about natural consequences, she decided that Billy might learn to remember his lunch if he experienced the natural consequence of forgetting. She first discussed this with Billy, letting him know she was confident that he could be responsible for remembering his lunch. She also told him she would no longer bring his lunch to school if he forgot it. It is very important and respectful to discuss, in advance, when you plan to change your behavior. Her intentions were sabotaged for a while because Billy’s teacher took over and loaned him money for lunch when he forgot. It was not until Mother and Billy’s teacher got together on a plan to allow Billy to learn from the natural consequences of his choices that his behavior changed. Billy tested the plan. The next time he forgot his lunch, he asked his teacher if he could borrow some lunch money. She said, "I’m sorry, Billy, but we agreed that you could handle your lunch problem by yourself." Billy then phoned his mother and demanded that she bring his lunch. Mom also kindly but firmly reminded him that he could handle the problem. Billy pouted for a while, even though one of his friends gave him half a sandwich. After that, Billy seldom forgot his lunch. When he did forget it, he managed to find someone who would share some food with him. By the time Billy reached the second grade, he added the responsibility of making his own lunch, as well as remembering to take it. Many adults don’t have much tolerance for the whining, pouting and disappointment. Billy’s mother did not find it easy to listen to her child be demanding, and it was difficult for her to allow him to experience being upset. She noticed some guilty feelings because he was hungry, but reminded herself that forgetting his lunch was really just a small mistake, one of many Billy would make in his lifetime. If she did not follow through on her plan, he would not be learning the life skill of getting a little more organized in the morning, and the good feelings of handling a problem himself. Instead he would be learning that whenever things didn’t work out for him, he could whine or complain and get someone else to take care of his problems. Looking at it that way, Mother was able to stay calmer. Even though natural consequences often help children learn responsibility, there are times when natural consequences are not practical: When a child is in danger. Adults cannot allow a child to experience the natural consequences of playing in the street, for example. When natural consequences interfere with the rights of others. Adults cannot allow the natural consequences of allowing a child to throw rocks at another person. This is one reason why supervision is especially important with children under the age of four. The only way you can prevent potential dangerous situations for children this age is to supervise so you can rush in and prevent a dangerous occurrence. When the results of children’s behavior do not seem like a problem to them and the natural consequences will adversely affect their health and well being. For example, it does not seem like a problem to some children if they don’t take a bath, don’t brush their teeth, don’t do their homework, or eat tons of junk food.
Kindergarten Reading worksheets on the topic of theme parks. A short passage for young learners to practice their reading. 5 pages in total. Kindergarten Reading: Theme ParksDownload Reading Tips E…
Here's 40 meaningful ways to share encouraging words for kids from Dr. Marilyn Price-Mitchell, developmental psychologist and researcher!
Black Belt! It’s what everyone dreams of when they envision themselves or their children joining the martial arts. But what is a black belt, really? What a Black Belt Isn’t To understand what a black belt is, it’s easier to start by understanding what it isn’t. There are a lot of stories, explanations, and exaggerations
by Jane Nelsen A Positive Discipline Tool Card Parents make a mistake when they pamper in the name of love. Pampering creates weakness because children develop the belief that others should do everything for them. One of the greatest gifts you can give your children is to allow them to develop the belief, "I am capable." Children feel capable when they learn that they can survive the ups and downs of life. But first let's define what we mean by "Avoid Pampering." We are NOT talking about love, affection and connection. Giving hugs is not pampering. Giving compliments is not pampering. Validating feelings is not pampering. Pampering is doing things for our children that they are perfectly capable of doing for themselves. The fact is, our children are born with an innate desire to do things for themselves and begin to express that desire around the age of two. We are all familiar with the toddler who says "Me do it!" Too many parents say, "No, you are too little. Go play." Then when they are older and we ask them to help, we are surprised when they say, "No. I'm playing." Parents often do things for their children for expediency. They may be in a hurry or they are afraid their children will not do it "right" or perfectly. That is why it is important to "take time for training." This means showing them how and then letting them practice. Do things "with" young children until they are old enough and practiced enough to graduate to doing things by themselves. It will still often take longer and not be perfect, but remember we are striving for long-term results. We need to give our children opportunities to become responsible, capable young people. A good way to think about this concept is to ask yourself, "Would I do this for an adult friend?" If the answer is "No", then it is probably best to allow your child to experience the responsibility of doing it themselves. But remember that the feeling behind what you do is just as important as what you do. Avoiding Pampering is not an opportunity to shame or blame your child. This is an opportunity to kindly but firmly allow them to develop the skills they will need to survive in this world. So don't get angry if your child wants you to do something for them. Be positive and supportive and show faith in them to accomplish the task or solve the problem. Examples of Pampering: Doing the dishes even though your child has that on their list of jobs for the day. Making your child's bed because you like the bed to be made each morning, but don't want your child to suffer through making it themselves. Making a separate dinner for a picky eater. Driving to school because your child forgot their lunch. (If it becomes a habit. Everyone forgets things occasionally.) Allowing your child to play video games all day because you don't want to deal with the tantrum when you ask them to stick to the agreement on screen time. Tool in Action from Mary Nelsen Tamborski, co-author of Positive Discipline Parenting Tools I haven’t met a parent who doesn’t pamper their kids, at least some- times. I say that without judgment since I know I’m not alone when it comes to doing too much for my kids and trying to rescue them to save them from disappointment. I also know we all do this in the name of love. How many of you have driven back home (even been late to work) to bring your child’s homework to school? Maybe you have written a note or made a call with whatever excuse you could come up with to rescue your child from experiencing the consequences of his or her actions. What about running back inside the house to grab coats, lunch pails, backpacks, sports gear, or whatever else they may not survive without? I’m guessing that this “favor” also came with at least a tiny lecture about what would’ve happened or how they would’ve felt had Mom not rescued them. How about this one: have you made separate meals for each child because it was easier than hearing them complain about what you cooked—or you couldn’t stand the thought of sending them to bed starving? While working on this tool, I have to wonder why I’m still washing their hair, re-brushing their teeth, tying their shoes, and picking up the stuff they’ve left on the floor or counter. Mainly it’s quicker, more efficient, less hassle, I don’t have to listen to their excuses, and I’m sick of constantly repeating myself. Please tell me I’m not alone. Tell me you need this tool as much as I do. Do you feel as guilty as I do to realize I’m robbing my children of so many opportunities to feel capable? Okay, so it’s not all about guilt. It is about awareness and under- standing. We can learn from our mistakes and work on improvement. A few thoughts that can help: I can learn to stop taking my kids’ forgetful, picky, age-appropriate, and sometimes annoying behaviors personally. I can remind myself that it’s not about me and what others will think. It is about my children’s abilities and capabilities for the future. I can remember that my job is not to make my boys suffer, but to allow them to suffer so they can build strong “disappointment muscles,” resilience, and the feeling of capability to solve problems. I’m more effective as a mom when I take time for training and allow my extremely capable boys to do more for themselves. What a gift to them. And what a gift to myself. I was provided with one opportunity to avoid pampering when I received a call from my son Greyson’s school. When I saw the school’s number on my caller ID, I immediately panicked. When I heard his sweet voice, I panicked even more. (Since when do they let you call home for forgotten homework?) Greyson said, “Hi, Mom. I left my homework in your car. Is there any way you could bring it to me? If I don’t have it by recess, I’m going to have detention.” I immediately visualized my poor boy trapped inside instead of doing what’s natural and downright necessary—playing outside. Ugh! His precious voice was pulling on my heartstrings, and I was struggling big-time not to say, “I’ll be there in fifteen minutes.” Instead, I thought about this as an opportunity to build his resilience and learn from his mistake, even if it meant he would be mad at me for not rescuing him. I can guarantee it was harder on me than him when I said no. Of course he survived. He was able to sit in the classroom and redo his homework and then help the teacher; which he admitted to loving. Because I avoided rescuing him, he had the special time with his teacher, and he hasn’t forgotten his homework since then. I was reminded of the time I was in the second grade and I forgot my lunch. My teacher had me go to the office to call my mom so she could bring it. The conversation went like this: “Hi, Mom. I left my lunch on the table. Will you please bring it to me?” My mom replied, “I’m so sorry, honey, that doesn’t work for me.” She didn’t lecture. Instead, in a kind way, she validated my feelings and said, “I know you’re disappointed, and probably mad that I won’t bring it to you. I’m happy to brainstorm solutions when you get home.” Some parents gasp in horror at the idea of letting their child go hungry for one meal. First of all, I know this won’t hurt them nearly as much as me depriving them of the deeper, internal hunger to feel capable. Secondly, I know they won’t go hungry. They will have plenty of opportunities to eat the healthful sandwich their friend was going to throw in the garbage. I remember how surprised the office staff was when I told them my mom wasn’t bringing my lunch. I wasn’t surprised. By now I had enough experience to know that basically I needed to learn the natural consequences of my actions. Many years later I can attest that I never forgot my lunch again, and am now pretty responsible about remembering to bring whatever I need for the day. Had my mom rescued me, I can almost guarantee I would’ve forgotten my lunch again.
More than 50% of LGBTQ+ students report feeling unsafe at school. How an inclusive sex ed curriculum can create a better environment.
A Positive Discipline Tool Card Rudolf Dreikurs taught, “A child needs encouragement like a plant needs water.” In other words, encouragement is essential. Children may not die without encouragement, but they certainly wither. Since encouragement is so essential, it would be good for parents to know what encouragement means and how to do it. Let’s start with the difference between praise and encouragement. It would be helpful to download the file "Differences Between Praise and Encouragement". Is it Praise or Encouragement? Research by Carol Dweck, Ph.D. a professor at Stanford University, has now proven what Adler taught years ago. Praise is not good for children. Dweck found that praise can hamper risk taking. Children who were praised for being smart when they accomplished a task chose easier tasks in the future. They didn’t want to risk making mistakes. On the other hand, children who were “encouraged” for their efforts were willing to choose more challenging tasks when given a choice. As Dreikurs said, “Encourage the deed [or effort], not the doer.” In other words, instead of, “You got an A, I’m so proud of you,” try, “Congratulations! You worked hard. You deserve it.” A subtle difference, but it will change the perception of your child. The differences between encouragement and praise can be difficult to grasp for those who believe in praise and have seen immediate results. They have seen children respond to praise with beaming faces. However, they don’t think about the long-term effects. Praise is not encouraging because it teaches children to become “approval junkies.” They learn to depend on others to evaluate their worth. Encouragement leads to self reflection and self evaluation. Now let's get back to the fact that children like praise. (So do I.) Praise is a like candy. A little can be very satisfying. Too much can cause problems. Awareness is the key. Notice if your kids are becoming addicted to praise—need it all the time. Those who want to change from praise to encouragement may find it awkward to stop and think before making statements that have become habitual. It will help to keep the following questions in mind when wondering whether the statements you make to children are praise or encouragement: Am I inspiring self-evaluation or dependence on the evaluation of others? Am I being respectful or patronizing? Am I seeing the child’s point of view or only my own? Would I make this comment to a friend? I have found the last question especially helpful. The comments we make to friends usually fit the criteria for encouragement. How to Encourage Encouragement is helping your children develop courage—courage to grow and develop into the people they want to be, to feel capable, to be resilient, to enjoy life, to be happy, contributing members of society, and, as Dreikurs said, “To have the courage to be imperfect;” to feel free to make mistakes and to learn from them. Positive Discipline tools such as the following are designed to be encouraging to children: Family Meetings where children learn to give and receive compliments and learn to brainstorm for solutions to problems. Curiosity Questions to invite children how to think instead of what to think—and to give them a sense of choice to use their personal power for social responsibility. Letting Go so children have opportunities to learn and grow—mistakes and all. Show Faith in children so they can develop faith in themselves. Spending Special Time to make sure the message of love gets through. The successful use of encouragement requires adult attitudes of respect, interest in the child’s point of view, and a desire to provide opportunities for children to develop life skills that will lead to self-confident independence from the negative opinions of others.
by Dr. Jane Nelsen In many of our books we talk about "Positive Time Out." There are several points that need to be made regarding time out for children who have not yet reached the age of reason: 1.) Any kind of time out should not be used with children under 3 1/2 years old. Until children reach the age of reason, which starts around three (and is an ongoing process that even some adults have not fully mastered) supervision and distraction are the most effective parenting tools. This means simply that young children need constant supervision and removal, kindly and firmly, from what they can't do and guidance to an activity they can do. If they can't understand reasoning, why try to reason? Remember, they can't understand the reasoning behind punishment either. Punishment may stop the behavior for the moment, but what long-range message has the child received? Are they deciding, "I'm bad. I'll get even and hurt back. I'll hit others when I'm bigger. Yelling at people is a good way to communicate. I won't get caught next time." Children aren't consciously aware of the decisions they are making, but they are making decisions nonetheless. (The book, Positive Discipline for Preschoolers has a lot of information regarding developmental and age appropriate behavior.) 2.) There are usually exceptions. We know of one mother who used Positive Time Out successfully with her 18-month-old child (obviously because of her attitude). She would say to her child, "Would you like to lay on your comfy pillow for awhile?" Sometimes he would just toddle off to his pillow and lie down until he felt better. If he hesitated, she would ask, "Do you want me to go with you?" 3.) The procedure for setting up Positive Time Out for children over three is explained thoroughly in most of our books. Meanwhile, before the age of 3-1/2, go to time out with your child. Say, "Let's take some time out to read a book or listen to music until we feel better." That way you are modeling the purpose of Positive Time Out. 4.) It is so important to know that parents need many different parenting skills and tools. There is never one tool (or three or even ten) that is effective for every situation and for every child. Sometimes Positive Time Out is effective for children over the age of three, and many times something else would work better. This is why we give several suggestions for every problem covered in Positive Discipline A-Z. 5.) Try hugs. (See the article on Hugs.) Since misbehaving children are discouraged children, the best way to help them stop misbehaving is to help them feel encouraged. Where did we ever get the crazy idea that in order to help children do better, first we have to make them feel worse? Children do better when they feel better. Asking for or giving a hug is just one possibility. Remember, there isn't any tool that works every time. 6.) Please learn about developmental and age appropriate behavior. You may be expecting things that are beyond the developmental capability of your child. What to do when the Positive Time Out Space doesn't work.
by Jane Nelsen Compliments and appreciations bring us closer together. Finding ways to compliment your children can be a very valuable parenting tool. So often we are focused on what our children have done wrong. This week focus on what your children have done right and give them an appropriate compliment. "I appreciate how quickly you get dressed and ready for school." "I notice how kindly you cared for Anna when she felt sad, I bet it helped her feel better." "Thank you for setting the table." You will be amazed how this simple act will change the atmosphere in your home. It is also important for children to learn how to give compliments. Siblings don’t have any trouble bickering and putting each other down, but they struggle with the idea of appreciating each other? Maybe it all boils down to training. Giving and receiving compliments is a skill that needs to be taught and practiced. Family meetings provide that opportunity. Begin every family meeting by having each person give every other member of the family a compliment. This may be awkward at first if the children have the habit of name-calling. If this is the case, spend some time discussing the kinds of things they could look for to compliment one another about. Parents can model this behavior by beginning with compliments for each member of the family. Also, if you see something nice going on between the children, remind them to remember it for a compliment. You might even suggest that they write it on the family meeting agenda so they will remember—and their sibling can enjoy seeing it as well as hearing it. Hearing my kids be mean to each other was so difficult for me, so I was thrilled that the hurtful comments were reduced when we held regular family meetings starting with compliments. However, one summer we got so busy that I did not follow my own advice to not let anything interfere with regular family meetings. Bickering and discipline hassles increased tremendously. The kids started insulting one another more often. Finally, I called for a family meeting. The kids had been so mean to each other that I thought they would have difficulty giving one another compliments. However, their years of training came back to them and they gave each other very nice compliments. As we continued regular family meetings the insults decreased significantly, as did bickering and discipline hassles. Following is an excerpt from the Family Meeting Album: You can create a positive atmosphere in your family when everyone learns to look for the good in each other and to verbalize positive comments. Please don’t expect perfection. Some sibling squabbling is normal. However, when children (and parents) learn to give and receive compliments, negative tension is reduced considerably. Of course, a positive atmosphere is increased even more when families have regular family meetings to find solutions to problems. Compliments Each component of the agenda is important. Start with compliments for several reasons: Compliments create a positive atmosphere. Children learn to be “good finders” when they look for and verbalize the things they appreciate about family members. Children usually fight less when they participate in regular family meetings beginning with compliments. It is important to have each member of the family give a compliment to every other member of the family so everyone feels a sense of belonging and significance. Remember that compliments may sound awkward in the beginning. They get better with practice. You will create a positive atmosphere in your family when everyone learns to look for the good in each other and to verbalize positive comments. Please don’t expect perfection. Some sibling squabbling is normal. However, when children (and parents) learn to give and receive compliments, negative tension is reduced considerably. Of course, a positive atmosphere is increased even more when families have regular family meetings to find solutions to problems. Family Meeting Compliment Activity: Place blank compliment sheets on the refrigerator (or another spot) where everyone can write down compliments for others each day. (Young children can dictate their compliments to older members of the family.) When you see someone that deserves a compliment, write it down, or ask a child who also observed something someone else did, "Would you like to write that on our compliment sheet?" Once children develop the habit of noticing compliments, they won’t need reminders. At the beginning of each family meeting, family members can read their compliments. Ask for any verbal compliments that were not written down. Make sure every family member receives at least one compliment. Place this compliment sheet in the family meeting binder, and place another blank sheet on the refrigerator to be filled out during the week.
15 of the most important life skills for teens to know and practice before they leave home. Teach them to be responsible young adults.
Logical consequences are different from natural consequences in that they require the intervention of an adult—or other children in a family or a class meeting. It is important to decide what kind of consequence would create a helpful learning experience that might encourage children to choose responsible cooperation.
Black Belt! It’s what everyone dreams of when they envision themselves or their children joining the martial arts. But what is a black belt, really? What a Black Belt Isn’t To understand what a black belt is, it’s easier to start by understanding what it isn’t. There are a lot of stories, explanations, and exaggerations
Summer is here, because I have officially “flipped my lid,” or at least have wanted to every day since school has been out…sigh.
Many of you know that we have a Positive Discipline Social Network where members encourage and support each other in the practical application of Positive Discipline. Recently someone posted a discussion about a friend who is feeling discouraged about a son who keeps getting into trouble at a school that uses the colored card system. Every time he “misbehaves,” he gets a colored card and his parents are expected to punish him at home. I had to respond to this discussion because I have a close friend who is going through the same thing. Of course you might guess my opinion of the color cards—a very dysfunctional system. Then teachers encourage parents to be dysfunctional at home—adding more punishment. Before I continue, I will say that there are many good things at my friend’s child’s school—including the teacher. The school and this teacher simply believe in Behaviorism—that punishment and rewards are the best way to motivate “good” behavior—very different from the Adlerian Psychology base of Positive Discipline. So, I will share with you the advice I have given to my friend. Don't add punishment at home. Keep encouraging him to focus on solutions. My friends concern was that his solution was to be sent to his room for 5 minutes and she didn't think that was severe enough. At this point I have to digress and editorialize. It is so interesting to me that parents and teachers are willing to keep doing a punishment over and over, even if it doesn't work, but stop doing a Positive Discipline tool after one or two tries because it doesn't seem to work--right away. I told my friend to take his suggestion and send him to his room for 5 minutes (very different from punishment when it is his idea). When he comes out avoid discouraging lectures. Use encouragement. Just say, "I hope this works." If it doesn't work—which it won't because he is only a kindergartner and gets colored cards for things like talking (socializing with his friends)—which is developmentally appropriate for a Kindergarten child to do. (Arrrgggghhh!). Celebrate every time he gets a colored card. This provides another opportunity for him to practice working on solutions. Every time he does, be encouraging and simply say, "Cool. I hope this works." No reprimands when it doesn't—just anther opportunity to practice problem solving—over and over and over. Now lets time travel five years from now. Make some guesses about what a child might be thinking, feeling, and deciding about himself after many opportunities and encouragement to experiment with solutions when he gets into trouble. Then make some guesses about what that same child might be thinking, feeling, and deciding after experiencing punishment at school and at home every time he gets into trouble. It is very important to consider the long-term results of what we do. Lately I have been using the analogy of what it takes for a child to learn to talk—years of example—first to say a word, then more listening to examples and encouragement to learn sentences, and more years to keep developing and perfecting language. Why do we expect immediate results for other kinds of learning. Why do we expect social (behavior) learning to be immediate? And, how well would children learn to talk if they were humiliated and punished every time they got it wrong. Children learn what they live. If we want our children to grow up learning to be kind and firm and respectful, we better make sure that is what they live. Remember that encouragement is the foundation of Positive Discipline. As Rudolf Dreikurs said, over and over, "A child needs encouragement like a plant needs water. It is essential to healthy growth and development. Listen to the excerpt below which beautiful illustrates how encouragement can work much better than punishment. The following is an excerpt from the Building Self-Esteem Through Positive Discipline MP3. The Discouraged Child
Positive Discipline parenting and family coach. - See more at: http://marytamborski.blogspot.com/#sthash.9J0NbM9K.dpuf
Try the Positive Discipline Tool of Silent Signals instead of constant nagging and reminding.
I love the idea of giving kids a lot of freedom during their childhood. They need to play a lot, have fun, and enjoy every moment of these wonderful years! But I also think that
Black Belt! It’s what everyone dreams of when they envision themselves or their children joining the martial arts. But what is a black belt, really? What a Black Belt Isn’t To understand what a black belt is, it’s easier to start by understanding what it isn’t. There are a lot of stories, explanations, and exaggerations
So many parents complain that their children don’t listen; yet few parents really listen to their children.
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Here’s the story. (Plus tips on how to prepare your child!)
When agreements are made together in advance, one word is often all that needs to be said.
3 smart wearable tracking devices which are being designed to make parenting easier and ensure your child’s safety at the same time!
Diane promised she would never be like her friend, Sara, who was always yelling (often screaming) at her kids, “Don’t do that! Do this! I’m sick and tired or telling you!” On and on! It was difficult for Diane to be around Sara, and she felt so sorry for the kids. One day Diane found herself telling three-year-old Seth, “Don’t do that! Come here right now! Pick up your toys! Get dressed!” And on and on! Fortunately she heard herself and said to her husband, “Oh my; I sound just like Sara. Gently he said, “I didn’t want to say anything, but yes you do.” Diane remembered what she had read in Positive Discipline the First Three Years about acting without words and decided to try it for one whole day. When Diane wanted Seth to stop doing something, she walked over to him, took him by the hand, and kindly removed him. When she wanted him to come to her, she got off the couch and went to him to show him what needed to be done. When he started hitting his little brother, Diane gently separated them without saying a word. During a calm time, Diane sat down with Seth and said, “Let’s play a game. When I want you to do something, I’ll keep my lips closed tight and will point to what needs to be done and you can see if you know what I want without me saying a word. Okay?” Seth smiled and agreed. When it was time to pick up his toys, Diane went to him, grinned and pointed to the toys while making a sign with her hands for him to pick them up—and then helped him, knowing that it is encouraging and effective to help children with tasks until they are at least six-years-old and can “graduate” to doing tasks by themselves. When it was time for him to get dressed, she took him by the hand, made a zipping her lips sign, and pointed to his clothes. Seth grinned and let Diane help him get dressed without a struggle—doing most of it by himself. Later Diane shared with her husband how much more peaceful her day had been, and how much more she enjoyed her interactions with Seth. Diane added, “I know actions without words won’t work all the time, but this day sure helped me realize how important it is to at least get close enough to see the white in his eyes before I talk—and then to use more action and fewer words.” Success Story We’ve all heard the saying “Actions speak louder than words.” One of the reasons I love to use this tool so much is because it eliminates any regret or guilt on my part. I recently downsized my car and lost my third row of seats. I knew it would be advantageous, in that it would save gas—and a total disadvantage, in that the three boys would be sitting so close together. My boys would argue and bicker about pretty much anything: “He’s looking at me!” “He’s touching me!” “He’s bugging me!” Most parents can understand how annoying and distracting it can be when your kids are fighting in the backseat. I knew that with a smaller car and a long daily commute, I had to teach and then practice this tool of acting without words. During a calm time, I had fun teaching this tool. My husband, Mark, and I love to practice role-playing as a way of helping the kids understand our perspective. It’s also a fun way to bring a sense of humor into a situation and truly engage our children in learning. The two most important rules if role-playing are to exaggerate and have fun. I promise your kids will love this style of learning. To set up our role-play we placed four chairs in the living room (to set the scene for a pretend car) and asked, “Who would like to play Mommy?” My two older boys both wanted to play me—which was perfect, because then they were able to take turns being in the role and observing. We said we were going to role-play two scenes. Scene one would be what happens in the car when Mommy isn’t practicing Positive Discipline. My oldest son, Greyson, played me first. My husband and I started fighting in the backseat. My two younger boys were laughing hysterically. Of course, Greyson did a great job of playing me—it was embarrassing and humbling at the same time to watch him exagerate my frustration in the car. What I realized, as my husband and I were role-playing our kids, was that we didn’t even hear what Greyson was saying as the mom. We noticed he was trying to get our attention, but my husband and I were having way too much fun. (What an insight. Dr. Jane Nelsen has said that fighting kids are like bear cubs having fun, but I had to experience it to believe it.) After we role-played, we processed as a family what we were each thinking, feeling, and deciding. Greyson’s aha moment was the greatest—he said, “You guys were crazy and it didn’t matter what I said or how loud I got, you wouldn’t stop fighting.” He continued by saying, “I can see why this is so frustrating and annoying for parents.” I spoke with the boys and said, “As you just witnessed, it’s not effective, respectful, or safe for me to try to play referee while I’m driving. From now on, if you boys decide to fight while I’m driving, I will pull over to a safe parking lot and get out of the car, and you can fight for as long and as loud as you want. I will calmly wait outside until you knock on the window. When I get back into the car, I will need to hear from each one of you that you’re done fighting and it’s safe for us to go.” I then asked, “How will I know it’s time to start driving again?” They repeated back, “When we each say we’re done fighting.” I replied, “Great! I’m happy we’ve come up with a plan that is respectful and safe for everyone.” We began the role-play of me driving, and Reid and Greyson joyfully acted the part of fighting. I pulled my chair (car) over to the side. They soon stopped fighting, but it took a few minutes for them to remember that they both needed to tell me they were done fighting and that it was safe to go. Greyson kindly reminded his younger brother by saying, “We both need to say it.” I thanked them and started driving again. We had fun laughing and talking about what we had learned from this role-playing. Now let’s fast-forward to real life. The kids started fighting, and I made the mistake of asking them, “Do I need to pull over?” Of course they said no, but they continued to fight. I then found a safe place to pull over and got out of the car. It was like magic—honestly, they stopped fighting before the car was even in park. I think they were both so shocked by the fact that we were in a parking lot and I wasn’t threatening and yelling at them. Acting without words is a powerful, guilt-free, and respectful way to parent. It’s amazing how much less I need to apologize and repair when I can just shut my mouth and act. I often remind parents that our kids will test the limits. My advice is to expect this and be prepared. Leave a little earlier to give yourself time to pull the car over the first time you try this. —Mary Nelsen Tamborski, Certified Positive Discipline Trainer and Marriage and Family Therapist
Offering limited choices instead of making demands can be very effective. Children often respond to choices when they will not respond to demands, especially when you follow the choice with, "You decide."
Are your kids ready for the real world? These 16 life skills teach kids independence and self-sufficiency while also building confidence.
by Dr. Jane Nelsen A Positive Discipline Parenting Tool Card Children under the age of three do not understand “no” in the way most parents think they do. (And a full understanding of “no” doesn’t occur magically when the child turns three. It is a developmental process.) “No” is an abstract concept that is in direct opposition to the developmental need of young children to explore their world and to develop their sense of autonomy and initiative. Oh, your child may “know” you don’t want her to do something. She may even know she will get an angry reaction from you if she does it. However, she cannot understand why in the way an adult thinks she can. Why else would a child look at you before doing what she “knows” she shouldn’t do, grin, and do it anyway? Knowing things as a toddler means something far different than knowing things as an adult. Her version of knowing lacks the internal controls necessary to halt her roving fingers. Researchers like Jean Piaget discovered long ago that toddlers lack the ability to understand cause and effect (an excellent reason not to try to lecture and argue a toddler into doing what you want—or to use punitive time-out). In fact, "higher order" thinking like understanding consequences and ethics may not develop until children are as old as ten. The following Piaget demonstration illustrate intellectual development, and helps parents understand why children can’t understand some concepts (such as “no”) as soon as adults think they can. Find two glasses that are the same size. Then find one glass that is taller and thinner, and one glass that is shorter and fatter. Fill the two glasses that are the same size with water until a three-year-old agrees they are the same. Then, right in front of her, pour the water from one of these glasses into the short, fat glass, and the other one into the tall, thin glass. Then ask her if they are still the same. She will say, “No,” and will tell you which glass she thinks contains the most water. A six-year-old will tell you they contain the same amount and can tell you why. This demonstration illustrates the thinking abilities identified by Piaget. When we understand that perceiving, interpreting, and comprehending an event are so markedly different for young children, our expectations as adults alter. The meaning children attach to their experiences does not match the meaning adults attach to the same experiences. Erik Erikson, child development psychiatrist, identified the ages and stages of emotional-social development. Around the age of one, children enter the "me do it" stage. This is when they develop a sense of autonomy vs. doubt and shame. The ages of two through six herald the development of a sense of initiative vs. guilt. It is a child's developmental job to explore and experiment. Can you imagine how confusing it is to a child to be punished for what he is developmentally programmed to do? He is faced with a real dilemma (at a subconscious level): “Do I obey my parents, or do I follow my biological drive to develop autonomy and initiative by exploring and experimenting in my world?” These stages of development do not mean children should be allowed to do anything they want. It does explain why all methods to gain cooperation should be kind and firm at the same time instead of controlling and/or punitive. This is a time of life when your child’s personality is being formed, and you want your child to make decisions about him or herself that say, “I am capable. I can try, make mistakes, and learn. I am loved. I am a good person.” If you are tempted to help your child learn by guilt, shame, or punishment, you will be creating discouraging beliefs (a sense of guilt and shame) that are difficult to reverse in adulthood. The three most important discipline tools to use with children under the age of four is supervision, distraction, and redirection. Showing them what to do instead of what not to do (showing them how to touch nicely instead of saying, “Don’t hit.”) During the first years of life, your job is to keep your child safe without letting your fears discourage her. For this reason, supervision is an important parenting tool, along with kindness and firmness while redirecting or teaching your child. Parents almost always cite the danger of a child running into the street as a justification for spanking a toddler. Reasons include the life and death nature of the situation, the need for immediate compliance, and the effectiveness of a spanking for getting a child’s attention. The thing they forget is that to a toddler, an angry, shouting, spanking parent is probably far more frightening than any street. I always ask these parents, “After you have spanked your child to teach her to stay out of the street, will you now allow her to play in front of a busy street unsupervised?” The answer is always, “No.” They know, spanking or no spanking, that they can’t expect her to have the maturity and judgment to have that responsibility. Distraction and redirection works well with toddlers. Fifteen-month-old Daniel was toddling toward his Dad’s computer. Dad called his name and Daniel looked at him, grinned, and toddled so fast in the direction of the computer that he almost fell. Dad picked him up, gave him a big hug, and took him over to his blocks. What if Daniel keeps returning to the forbidden computer? How many times must a parent distract or redirect a child’s attention? Well, as many times as it takes. As we’ve mentioned before, it takes patience and perseverance to train a young child. If Daniel’s dad slapped his hand or spanked him, would he still want to play with the computer? Probably so. And even if spankings stop the behavior, what is the cost in self-esteem, doubt and shame? What are the lessons about violence? Kindly but firmly directing Daniel toward acceptable objects, and continuing to do so until he gets the message, guides his behavior without punishing or shaming, and without inviting a battle of wills. Toddlers are experiencing individuation, learning to see themselves as separate, independent beings. It’s a natural and healthy process, but one that is frequently trying for parents. At one level it doesn’t take long for a young child to learn the power of the word “no,” or that by using it he can provoke all sorts of interesting reactions. Adults can’t always avoid these confrontations, but changing your own behavior and expectations can lessen their impact.
Positive Discipline is a program designed to teach young people to become responsible, respectful and resourceful members of their communities.
Positive Discipline is a program designed to teach young people to become responsible, respectful and resourceful members of their communities.
by Jane Nelsen, author of the Positive Discipline series This tool card provides an example of asking for a hug when a child is having a temper tantrum, but that is certainly not the only time a hug can be an appropriate intervention when you understand the principle of hugs. Later, I’ll share where the example on the card came from; but first I want to share another example. The Power of a Hug My daughter, who is a wonderfully strong-willed six-year-old child, didn't want to get up and get ready for school one morning. Being a strong-willed individual myself, I could sense a battle of wills brewing—though I was determined to avoid it. I repeatedly asked her nicely to get up and get herself ready. I even picked out her clothes so she could move a little faster [a mistake that will be explained later]. Still, she refused to move. I reminded her, still nicely, that the bus would be at our house soon, and if she didn't get dressed she was going to miss it. She sat up, looked at her clothes, and screamed, "I don't want to wear that!" Her tone was so nasty that I found it hard to keep myself composed, but I went to her room and picked out two other outfits so she could choose which one she wanted to wear. I announced to her, "I laid out three sets of clothes. You need to pick one and get dressed." I had almost made it to the bedroom exit when she fired back "I WANT FOUR!" I was so angry at that point; and what came next surprised both of us. I walked over to her and said, "I am going to pick you up, hold you, hug you and love you...and when I am done you are going to get up, choose an outfit and get dressed." When I picked her up and put my arms around her I felt her just melt in my arms. Her attitude softened immediately and so did mine. That moment was amazing to me. A volatile situation turned warm in a few seconds—just because I chose to hug a child who was at that moment so un-huggable. In your lecture you talked about the power of a hug to calm down an out-of-control child. I've learned first-hand that you were absolutely right. Thank you for teaching others about the power of a hug! Note from Jane Nelsen: The morning hassles could be reduced if her daughter picked out her own clothes the night before as part of her bedtime routine. This would help her feel capable instead of being told what to do, which invited rebellion. This example illustrates that even though hugs may work to create a connection and change behavior, some misbehavior can be avoided by getting children involved in ways that helps them use their power in useful ways—for example picking out their own clothes. Tantrums and Hugs Now for the story that led to the example of asking for a hug when a child is having a temper tantrum. I watched a video of Dr. Bob Bradbury, who facilitated parenting courses in Seattle, WA for many years. During his parenting courses, Dr. Bradbury would interview a parent or teacher in front of a large audience. During the interview he would determine the mistaken goal of the child and would then suggest an intervention that might help the discouraged child feel encouraged and empowered. Bob shared the following example (which I am now telling in my words from my memory of what I saw on the video). A father wondered what to do about his four-year-old, Steven, who often engaged in temper tantrums. After talking with the father for a while, and determining that the mistaken goal was misguided power, Dr. Bradbury suggested, “Why don’t you ask your son for a hug.” The father was bewildered by this suggestion. He replied, “Wouldn’t that be reinforcing the misbehavior?” Dr. Bradbury said, “I don’t think so. Are you willing to try it and next week let us know what happens?” The father agreed with misgivings. However, the next week he reported that, sure enough, Steven had a temper tantrum. Dad got down to his son’s eye level and said, “I need a hug.” Between loud sobs, Steven asked, “What?” Dad repeated, “I need a hug.” Steven was still sobbing but managed to ask incredulously, “Now????” Dad said, “Yes, now” Steven stopped sobbing and said, reluctantly, “Oh all right,” as he stiffly gave his father a hug. In a few seconds he just melted into his fathers arms. After they hugged for a few more seconds, Dad said, “Thanks. I really needed that.” Steven sniffled a bit and said, “So did I.” There are a few points I want to make about this story. You may wonder why the father said, “I need a hug,” instead of, “You need a hug.” Since the mistaken goal in this case was “misguided power.” To suggest that his son needed a hug might invite him to say, “No I don’t,” and only intensify the power struggle. How could Steven argue with the fact that his father needed a hug? Children have an innate desire to contribute. Contribution provides feelings of belonging, significance, and capability. Steven was willing to “give” to his father, even though begrudgingly at first. Children do better when they feel better. Once Steven felt better by giving his father a hug, he let go of his tantrum and the power struggle and enjoyed the hug with his father. A misbehaving child is a discouraged child. It can be difficult to remember this when faced with annoying, challenging, or hurtful behavior. For this reason it helps to have a plan for behavior that is a pattern. A primary philosophy of Positive Discipline is Connection before Correction. A hug is a great way to make a connection, but not the only way. I will mention a few more of the many possibilities: Simply validate your child’s feelings. “You are feeling really upset right now.” Then step back and give energetic support while your child works through it. Name what is happening and then offer an alternative. For example: “It seems to me that we are in a power struggle right now. I love you and know we can work on a win/win solution if we wait until we calm down.” Or, “I can see you really want my attention right now. I love you and I don’t have time right now but I’m looking forward to our special time at 7:30.” (Of course, this requires advance planning to make sure you have set up scheduled, special time with your children.) Do the unexpected. Instead of reacting to the challenging behavior, ask your child. “Do you know I really love you?” This sometimes stops the misbehavior because your child is so surprised by your question/statement, and may feel enough belonging and significance from that simple statement to “feel better and do better.” There are many other possibilities to make a connection and to help children feel better so they’ll do better. However, the main point is to see all of the Positive Discipline Tool cards NOT as techniques, but as tools based on principles. Techniques are very narrow and often don’t work. A principle is wider and deeper—and there are many ways to apply a principle. Go into your heart and your wisdom and you’ll know how to apply the principles of connection before correction, focusing on solutions, empowering children—and hugs. All of these Positive Discipline Tools are available in our deck of cards. Also avaiable as an app for iPhone and Android.
Two Positive Discipline Tool Cards By Jane Nelsen Rudolf Dreikurs taught, “A child needs encouragement as a plant needs water.” In other words, encouragement is essential. Children may not die without encouragement, but they certainly wither. Since encouragement is so essential, it would be good for parents to know exactly what encouragement means and how to do it. Let’s start with what encouragement is not. Encouragement is Not Praise Praise is not encouraging because it teaches children to become “approval junkies.” They learn to depend on others to evaluate their worth. Research by Carol Dweck, Ph.D. a professor at Columbia University, has now proven what Adler taught years ago. Praise is not good for children. Dweck found that praise can hamper risk taking. Children who were praised for being smart when they accomplished a task chose easier tasks in the future. They didn’t want to risk making mistakes. On the other hand, children who were “encouraged” for their efforts were willing to choose more challenging tasks when given a choice. [1] As Dreikurs said, “Encourage the deed [or effort], not the doer.” In other words, instead of, “You got an A, I’m so proud of you,” try, “You worked hard. You deserve it.” Encouragement is not Cheering, Clapping, and Commenting on Everything a Child Does Parents talk too much. Sometimes the talking is called “lecturing,” and sometimes it is an attempt to be encouraging. A trend today is for parents to think they have to make a comment (in the name of encouragement) on everything a child does. Even worse is when they think they should clap and cheer. Imagine you are a two-year-old child and you have just poured your own milk from a small measuring cup into a small cup. What are you feeling? When I get into that role, I’m feeling proud of myself—and very capable. Stay in the role and now imagine your mother starts clapping and cheering? The most popular cheer is, “You did it!” What are you feeling now? When I get into that role it is interesting that I still feel proud. I even like it that my mother is cheering. However, when I dig deep, I’m starting to believe I need to do well to please my mother. Clapping and cheering is a form of praise, and the danger is that children do like it. They don’t understand the subtle beginnings of the need to please and/or the fear that they might not—or the power to rebel as the only way to hang on to themselves. All of these feelings and decisions are being formed at a subconscious level. Cheering, clapping and commenting on everything a child does are subtle ways of making your child’s accomplishments more about you than about him or her. It actually robs your child of maintaining his or her sense of personal satisfaction and feelings of capability. Encouragement Is: Encouragement is helping your children develop courage—courage to grow and develop into the people they want to be—to feel capable, to be resilient, to enjoy life, to be happy, contributing members of society, and, as Dreikurs said, “To have the courage to be imperfect,” to feel free to make mistakes and to learn from them. So, now I must go back to what encouragement is not. Encouragement is not rescuing, fixing, over-protecting What would happen if the mother bird felt guilty about pushing her baby bird out of the nest so it will learn to fly? The baby bird would not survive. How well do our children survive when they don’t develop their disappointment muscles, their resiliency muscles, their delayed gratification muscles, and their courage to be imperfect muscles? When parents rescue, fix, and overprotect, they rob their children of the opportunity to learn that they can survive disappointment; that they can survive the ups and downs of life and learn many life skills in the process. How to Encourage Positive Discipline tools such as the following are designed to be encouraging to children: 1. Family Meetings where children learn to give and receive compliments and learn to brainstorm for solutions to problems. 2. Curiosity Questions to invite children how to think instead of what to think—and to give them a sense of choice to use their personal power for social responsibility. 3. Letting Go so children have opportunities to learn and grow—mistakes and all. 4. Having Faith in children so they can develop faith in themselves. 5. Spending Special Time to make sure the message of love gets through. There are many more—all designed to be empowering instead of enabling. A new Positive Discipline tool is called Energetic Encouragement. Energetic Encouragement Sometimes, the most encouraging thing a parent can do is to sit close by and keep his or her mouth shut while simply sending out energetic support. A unique feature of Positive Discipline parenting classes and workshops is to use experiential activities to help parents practice skills and “get into the child’s world” to process the effects of their skills. In a recent workshop I asked a volunteer to be her 5-year-old who has temper tantrums when she "wants something now." I had her sit in a chair next to me (so we didn't have to sit on the floor) and told her to role-play her daughter having a tantrum while I role-played the mom sending out energetic support. All I did was sit there and watch her with a compassionate look on my face. It was fun to process with her later how she was aware of what I was doing even though she was in the middle of her tantrum. She shared that she felt loved and supported—even though she was a little frustrated that her tantrum didn’t “work.” I pointed out that when children feel confused because their behavior isn’t “working,” they are ready to go “shopping” for a new behavior. So, even though a Positive Discipline Tool doesn’t seem to be encouraging changed behavior, it may be effective in the long-term once the child decides to shop for another behavior. Use the following questions to make sure you provide an encouraging shopping environment: Are you promoting SELF-evaluation or dependence on the evaluation of others? Are you inviting your child to think or telling him what to think? Are you allowing your child to figure things out for herself or engaging her in problem solving), or are you rescuing and fixing things for her? Are you considering what your child might be thinking, feeling and deciding in response to what you do or say, or do you avoid getting into your child’s world? Are you helping your child feel capable or dependent? If you can answer yes to the first part of each of these questions, it is likely that you are being encouraging to your child. If not, now might be a good time to start allowing for the courage to be imperfect. J [1] http://nymag.com/news/features/27840/ to read the complete article
