This week, I’m going to blend two of the scariest things I can think of: Death and romance novels. If I was a character in a romance story, here’s how I would die. How I’d Die In A Love Story 1. In A Fairytale . . . I get myself into trouble, and my prince has to rescue me. Ladies in fairytales are always getting themselves into mortal peril. Unfortunately, fairytales underestimate the magnitude of the problems I can cause. Even the most competent lover can’t save this damsel in distress. My prince ends up in the jail cell next to me. 2. In A Hallmark Channel Romance . . . Lover and I have an argument right before he goes on an overseas business trip. Shortly after he leaves for the airport, I start feeling bad about the argument. Since this is a love story (and cell phones mysteriously don’t exist), I have to race to the airport and profess my eternal love for him before he gets on that plane. Here’s the thing: I’m not a good runner. I don’t “race” anywhere. To catch my lover, I hijack an airport golf cart. Airport security shoots me with a Taser and zaps me to death. This is America, after all. Even in a love story, you can’t hijack airport stuff. 3. In an enemies-to-lovers romance . . . We’ve all read enemies-to-lovers stories, right? The main characters start off as rivals, but then they see the good in each other and fall in love. Well, life goes the opposite direction for me and my should-be lover. We start out as enemies and we become . . . super enemies. Like Victor and Eli in Vicious, we dedicate our lives to destroying each other. 4. In a romance with all the feels . . . If you’ve been on this blog before, then you might know that I’m basically a robot. I don’t have emotions. Falling in love might make me feel something. What would I do with an emotion? I don’t know! My body would self-destruct! 5. In A Mythical Romance . . . Cupid is a weird dude, right? He flutters around naked while clutching a deadly weapon. I want no part of that! If I encountered Cupid, I’d run in the opposite direction. I’d be sure to run in a zig-zag because Game of Thrones taught us that if you have to run from an archer, don’t run in a straight line! Remember how I said I’m not a good runner? My sloppy zig-zagging would just cause Cupid’s arrow to hit me somewhere vital. 6. In a historical romance . . . Back in the historical days, women swooned when they saw attractive gentlemen (or blood, or mice. Women just swooned all over the place.) Knowing my luck, I’d catch a glimpse of my sexy lover, swoon, and fall off a mountain. Swooning isn’t a practical thing to do when one lives at high altitude! They both look thrilled about this situation . . . 7. In a romance with an OTP . . . I only have one true love: Nachos. I love nachos. Me and nachos are the OTP. Unfortunately, Tex-Mex food isn’t very good at loving humans. It tends to kill us with cholesterol. 8. In A Romantic Comedy . . . The boss sends me and my sexy single coworker on a business trip to a distant city. But, there’s a problem with our hotel room. There are two of us and only one bed! In a romantic comedy, this situation would become a cute, awkward moment. In my real life, it would become the first annual Bed Hunger Games. The winner gets to sleep in the bed. The loser gets buried in the park at midnight. 9. In an edgy romance . . . Plot twist! I’m pregnant! My lover promises to marry me and be a good parent to our offspring, but when an alien baby bursts out of my chest, he starts to question if he’s the father. Somebody call the Maury Povich Show. We’re going to need a DNA test. 10. In a romance with a brooding hero . . . I’d die on page 1 because I’m the hero’s first girlfriend. He needs an excuse to spend approximately 1/3 of the book brooding sexily. My death is that excuse! The hero’s sensual moping attracts a woman who’s hotter and spunkier than me. For some reason, women in romances love mopey guys. The hero and my replacement fall in love, but he never stops brooding. How sweet! How would you die in a love story? Are you amused by my deaths? (You sicko.) Check out how I’d die in a horror story and a fantasy story.