Note: before reading this post, you may want to check out my post on how to tell if you have abusive parents here. This post focuses heavily on Dr. Judy Rosenberg's work. But first I will explain tell-tale signs of narcissistic abusive parenting: One way to tell if you have a narcissistic or sociopathic parent is what the cartoon is about (and Dr. Judy Rosenberg confers it in her videos and writings): the parents place themselves, their needs, desires, wants, agendas, way ahead of their own children. Here are some instances where parents put their desires and needs first: 1. A woman in her early thirties is diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma. Her mother, who has booked a trip for a safari, does not cancel, and is away for two months, never calls. They are estranged now. 2. A sixteen year old girl attempts suicide and is hospitalized. Her mother decides during her hospitalization on a sudden wedding with her boyfriend, and takes off for Europe for a honeymoon. These "parents" were deemed unfit, and mother and daughter are estranged. 3. A girl child is sexually molested by her older brother for most of her childhood. The parents punish the brother when he commits incest, but do nothing else, and the abuse continues. They cannot bear to report the son because of the stigma it would bring on the family, plus they don't want to see him incarcerated. He stays with his parents through old age. When the daughter finally leaves home at age 18, she changes her name so that she won't be found. She is in her sixties and hasn't seen her parents since she was in her early twenties. 4. A boy child is born to parents who are divorcing. The father is granted full custody, but when he becomes romantically involved, his female partner will not marry him if the boy is living with them. The boy is 12, and the father decides to send him off to the boy's mother (the one who lost custody). She is involved in a successful career, so sends the child off to boarding school and summer camps (he rarely sees his mother, in other words). The son commits suicide at 16 while at boarding school. 5. An alcoholic mother is violent towards her children: breaking furniture on them, throwing kitchen utensils at them, getting into rages. The father puts his wife first, and tries to lecture his children about how to tip-toe around their mother's rages, but the school intervenes, reports the incidents to Child Protective Services, and the parents are deemed unfit. The children are to go to a foster home, but the father sets up residence separate from the mother, commits to counseling, and is granted custody. They all attend individual and family therapy. The mother goes into detox, and they attend AA, AL-ANON, and Alateen. All ends well. Note: just about all psychologists agree that these kinds of situations are not good for children (the last one worked out because of an intervention). These examples aren't all examples of narcissistic parents obviously, but these are good examples of how parents put themselves first. Normal parents overwhelmingly put their children first. This includes the welfare of their children, and their children's feelings and safety. Functional families talk through feelings and are open to the experiences of their children, whereas toxic parents tell their children what their feelings are and what their experiences are (in other words toxic parents superimpose feelings, thoughts and experiences onto their children and then try to get their children to believe in the parents views and interpretations -- mostly dark ones). Normal parents are invested in keeping their children feeling secure in parental love. They are in tune and sensitive to their child's feelings and plight. They try to treat their children fairly. They also are consistently loving and engaged, and look forward to seeing their children, and being part of their children's lives. They have an interest early on in their children developing healthy interests, relationships with others and ever-more autonomy. Narcissists are the opposite. They believe that their child exists for parental needs, wants, desires and parental perspectives. If a child does not place Mom or Dad on a pedestal, the child often finds himself devalued, called "crazy", and discarded. Narcissistic parents are either intermittently rejecting (child neglect) or totally engulfing. They make it known very early on that the child is to serve parental views, desires, wants and needs. The parent builds the relationship with the child based on how much narcissistic supply the child can provide (narcissistic supply basically boils down to: the child praising and attaching themselves to the parent no matter how abusive and rejecting the parent is). Besides putting themselves above their children, these are the ways narcissistic parents act towards their children: Trauma bonding: Instead of the usual love-bonding that most parents and children experience, narcissists use trauma bonding. I have yet to do a post on trauma bonding, but the premise of trauma bonding is a child running after a rejecting parent. I present to you a picture of trauma bonding in this way: the parent and child are out in the desert. The parent has all of the food and water. The parent kicks his or her child, tells the child to go away, insults the child endlessly, perhaps beats the child mercilessly, and maybe even leaves the child for dead in the desert, but the child still runs after the parent (for survival and because the parents possess the food and water). Any normal person can understand why trauma bonding is a horrific bond, but for abusive narcissists, it is the primary bonding between parent and child that trumps all other bonds. Trauma bonding often results in estrangement and it can produce many, many problems for both perpetrators and victims that last and continue down the generations. Expecting children to compete with their sibling for parental love and favoritism: Instead of equal time with each of their children and emphasizing fair play between children, abusive parents typically expect their children to compete for parental rewards like love and decency. Sibling rivalry and/or sibling abuse is often ignored because the parent expects the children to fight dirty for them. Instead of promoting honesty, they expect children to uphold lies that make the parent look good (infallible). Instead of expecting their child to develop healthy interests, they either show no interest in their child's interests and career, or they try to micro-manage their children's lives and careers. Instead of expecting their child to develop healthy relationships with others, they try to make themselves all-important to their child. On-going enmeshment and meddling control is usually expected. Parental rejection/abuse is common when the child veers off into his own decision-making (to instill into their child to always think of the wound the parent inflicted -- more on how to avoid this trap in another post). All of the rejections and ultimatums usually have isolation of their child from the family at the core of the agenda, coupled with co-dependency with the parent. If the parent finds he cannot control the child, he tries to control how the family sees the child. If the child is a scapegoat, the parent has an investment in making sure his or her child fails and is used in the family as a punching bag (i.e. for bullying); if the child is a golden child, the parent has an investment in making sure his or her child succeeds above his or her other children. Thus a reward system is set up to ensure this will happen (in many cases it does not, despite the parent's wishes). Retaliation against their children: Other tell-tale signs are that abusive narcissistic parents try to get even with their child instead of the normal "talking things out" and "sympathizing" approach. Yes, isn't it amazing? -- they actually seek revenge against their own children! The revenge is often enacted when the child fails to provide narcissistic supply or refuses to let the parent control them (control meaning subverting to a role the parent wants for you, even if that role is the scapegoat role). Lack of trust that helps to promote lasting bonds: It is also very, very common for narcissists to have affairs, get divorces, fight tooth and nail for custody of the children, and then abuse or reject the children once they are granted custody. Narcissists also lie, break promises and gaslight children quite a bit. Weddings: Adult children of narcissists often complain about how their parent ruined or did not show up for their wedding to the point where it is fairly common for narcissistic parents to either upstage it in some way, take total control of it in a way that does not please the child (particularly deciding guest lists), or not attend at all. Disabling their children, or being helicopter parents around issues of their child's success: They also are known for trying to disable their child in some way. Some of the most common ways are: * trying to keep their child from going to college * trying to get their child financially dependent on them * encouraging co-dependency so that the child stays at home even through their thirties and forties * dressing up their child so that it reflects well on them (see my post on Jon Benet Ramsey) or dressing them down so that the parent feels they have won a beauty contest against their own child * trying to reserve children for family roles (either a family pet or a family scapegoat) * trying to keep children emotionally immature and reactive instead of smart and proactive * discouraging a child's talent -- highly independent think-for-youself children are very threatening to abusive narcissistic parents * being a "stage Mom or Dad" and manipulating the situation so that the child goes in the direction of failure, or a type of success that the parent wants, rather than what the child wants * discouraging their child's voice by constant interference and gaslighting (i.e. "That never happened ... the way it happened was ..." -- getting a child to be dependent on their parent's perceptions instead of the child's own). * intermittent rejections and acceptances There are many more, of course, but these are common. Using the last will and testament as a weapon: Abusive parents overwhelmingly use the last will and testament as a constant threat. Most narcissistic and sociopathic parents leave their estates to one favored child or to a select few of their grandchildren who they deem to be good sycophants. In other words, it is a reward system based on what they want, rather than on caring about their child's fate in old age, or creating fairness and equality among their children. Cutting out their child (sending the message that they aren't a part of the family): Cutting their children out of family photos also seems to be an extremely popular pastime among overt narcissistic parents. Cutting their children out of family events or out of their lives, seems to be typical of covert narcissistic parents. Grooming children to accept abuse as an initiation into family-belonging: Most narcissistic and sociopathic parents groom their children to accept abuse and to think of it as "normal". This constant grooming is something that children feel they must endure to get Mommy or Daddy's love. But it does not stop there. Most children of narcissists also have to endure being gaslighted constantly, erroneously blamed and punished, compared endlessly with their siblings, expected to fight with their sibling for Mom or Dad's love (which often creates sibling abuse), put into roles which define their stature in the family (roles discussed and featured below via videos), and if they are scapegoated, expected to endure smear campaigns (which further lowers their stature within a family). Narcissistic parents also try to micro-manage their children's lives (through enmeshment and constant interrogations), alter the truth so that they, the parent, looks good and truthful, while one of their children looks bad and like a liar. They expect perfectionism in deeds or looks, and if perfectionism isn't achieved, to walk on eggshells over intermittent rages and rejections. Plain and simple, abusive narcissists and sociopaths love to hurt their children, and hurt them as severely and egregiously as they can without getting caught or of being suspected of child abuse. Ganging up Narcissists need spouses who are "total enablers". Empaths are going to object to how a narcissist treats others, so narcissists either aren't attracted to empaths in the first place, or they make an empath spouse miserable, cheat on them or abandon them. In general, the narcissist/empath pairing does not work for the narcissist. Narcissists generally try to pair themselves with another Cluster B personality so they will not feel challenged. Narcissists are attracted to Borderlines. Sociopaths are attracted to Narcissists. So, how do you tell who your narcissistic parent is partnered with? If the person is another narcissist, they will have all of the same traits as your parent. If they don't exhibit the same traits, here is the other way that you tell: if your narcissist did the chasing, the partner is likely to be a borderline. If your narcissist was chased, the partner is likely to be a sociopath. Other ways to tell: * Borderlines are extremely impulsive, wear their emotions on their sleeve, have lives which are so much more chaotic than other people's lives, vacillate wildly between love (idealization) and hate (sometimes on a daily basis, with a dizzying number of very passionate make-ups and tear-soaked breakups), have many friends, attracted to the public eye, have very loud temper tantrums, and often have problems with addiction. * Sociopaths are into punishing (mostly animals, innocents and children, but can be others too). The best way to tell if your narcissist is partnered with a sociopath is to talk to the suspected sociopath about empathy. They will always try to find a way to justify why empathy should not be used and why people need to be hurt, trapped, losing, getting "what they deserve", punished, ridiculed, overlooked, etc. They love to talk endlessly about consequences. If they are a step-parent, their agenda is often to make the children of the narcissist very uncomfortable (through subtle threats, toying, digs and insults, mockery, denigrating lectures, guilt trips about what they are owed, non-empathetic responses, and other tactics). They also use the opportunity to get rid of the narcissist's children, reasoning that the children are not providing enough narcissistic supply. In other words, they will play with the narcissist's perceptions in a way that makes it seem that no child is giving enough narcissistic supply, thereby finding a way to get rid of all of the narcissist's support. Not all sociopaths are violent (especially those that did not come from broken homes), but it is very rare to find a sociopath who is not highly manipulative, extremely haughty and insulting, or sadistic in some way. The sociopath's agenda towards the narcissist's children is to find excuses for prolonged and sadistic time-outs and "punishments", whereas borderlines will just have screaming fits with the narcissist's children and support. The narcissist/sociopath combination should always be abandoned (I will tell why it is necessary in this post). Smear campaigns and slander: Where most parents talk glowingly about their children, narcissists are known for trying to smear the reputation of one of their children. They usually deem one of their children to be too insane to have a relationship with, thereby isolating their child so that he or she can be used for the exclusive purpose of abuse and blame. These nine videos of interviews with psychologist Judy Rosenberg are so excellent that everyone from unloving toxic families should see these videos. She explains so well what children go through and how narcissistic parents got the way they did. For the most part, these videos stand on their own in terms of how narcissists relate to children that there is not much to add other than some opposing "schools of thought", which are in the middle and towards the end of this blog. The other schools of thought are important, particularly because they give you more options on how to deal with narcissists than the options that Dr. Judy presents (they are all relevant options, however). For a more in-depth look at abusive parenting, and how to tell if you have abusive parents, go HERE. These videos are very much in line with so much of what I have discussed on this blog: note: These videos are long, so I suggest playing them while doing a mindless task. It is more of a radio program than a video in that there really is nothing to see except her "mind-map". Effects of a Narcissistic Mother on Her Children with Dr. Judy Rosenberg: Effects of a Narcissistic Mother on Her Children (part two) with Dr. Judy Rosenberg: Narcissistic Fathers with Dr. Judy Rosenberg: Narcissistic Fathers (part two) with Dr. Judy Rosenberg: The next few videos cover family systems theory as it relates to families headed by a toxic narcissistic parent. Not all narcissists are abusive, but the overwhelming majority are. One of the reasons that narcissists and sociopaths tend to be abusive is because they have either no empathy, or very little of it. They do not care about their children's plight or feelings. A very, very small number of narcissists seek therapy, but only when they come to an absolute breaking point (like homelessness, war, suicide attempts, kidnapping, gang rape, a grueling incarceration experience -- anything deeply traumatic). In my own research, I learned about each of the four different types of roles in narcissistic authoritarian families (and they differ somewhat from Dr. Rosenberg's). Some of the differences include: * Ms. Rosenberg claims that the golden child is most often the eldest. The reading I did on the subject points to the youngest. * Ms. Rosenberg claims that the scapegoat is most often the youngest; where as the reading I did on the matter points to the middle child. * Ms. Rosenberg claims the lost child is a conformer. My studies on the subject stated the lost child pretends to be a conformer on the outside, but often inside is a rebel. This would account for why so many lost children are unusually quiet, go off in a corner or to their rooms, take off without saying where they are going, and why many leave their parents suddenly in adulthood without saying a word. Christopher McCandless, who I have written about HERE, would be your typical lost child. This is the child who feels that talking about feelings, thoughts and experiences with the parent does little good so has given up trying, and removes himself every chance he gets. It would appear that he likes books, science experiments, or projects more than family get-togethers. And yes, he is often forgotten. Dr. Rosenberg also claims the lost child is the most likely to commit suicide. What I learned was that scapegoats have the highest suicide rates, followed by the lost child, then the golden child, with the mascot the least likely to kill himself. The other thing I learned was that these roles are not hard and fast, and that many scapegoats turn into lost children in the end; i.e. give up, go quiet, move away, and do not try to have significant relationships within the family. * The video on the golden child is mostly about the parentified version of the golden, the one who is still the favorite child, who cannot have an identity separate from what the narcissist wants, but is only out to please Mom or Dad. I also read that too. But I also learned that over half of goldens are abusive (starting with terrorizing and abusing siblings with the parent's consent, graduating to child and/or spousal abuse). I write about bully golden children HERE. The lesser half of goldens are ultra-empaths and sacrifice everything for Mom or Dad's every need and every wish, often to their own detriment, often ending up living with parents too. At any rate, all researchers agree that goldens are the least likely to have their own identity separate from the parent's. Narcissistic Dysfunctional Families and The Scapegoat Child with Dr. Judy Rosenberg: Narcissistic Dysfunctional Families and The Lost Child with Dr. Judy Rosenberg: Narcissism and the Mascot Child with Dr. Judy Rosenberg: Narcissistic Dysfunctional Families and The Golden Child with Dr. Judy Rosenberg: In the last video (following my writing), Dr. Judy covers narcissists' rage over perceived criticisms and how and why narcissistic mothers "denigrate, devalue and discard" their own children (quotes are hers). On narcissistic rages over criticisms: She suggests that targets of narcissistic rage do their absolute best not to criticize narcissists (to avoid the inevitable "denigrate, devalue and discard", but also to keep safe). At the same time she knows that a child can be terrorized for a facial expression (which the narcissist can interpret as a heartbreaking criticism, even though it was never meant to be that -- it's in the video). There are two schools of thought on this. If you walk on eggshells, being hypervigilent about how you look at them and what subjects you can speak to them about, it is incredibly unhealthy for the target. Plus it puts all of the responsibility on the target for acting right, which is what narcissists love and count on from the people around them. It also makes the narcissist think he is more special than others because others will walk on eggshells while he never has to: he feels he can rage, insult, reject, and beat up his target emotionally or physically all he wants without consequence. Anyway, most targets know that narcissists will pick something to rage about regardless of how good the target is. Narcissists find something to rage about even if they have to make it out of thin air; in other words, they twist events to "denigrate, devalue and discard" no matter what you do and how you act. It makes the target feel fearful and responsible while the narcissist feels entitled to rage, escalate and abuse over any darned thing. It is also allowing them to be hypocritical without comment: they feel entitled to criticize, belittle, denigrate, poke and prod, while you have to be ultra-sensitive and ever-vigilant about any expression that sweeps across your face -- a totally lopsided relationship (most lopsided relationships are extremely toxic). So the other school of thought is to call narcissists out on their debased behavior, rather than walk on eggshells. Also to do the exact opposite of what they want and expect. A lot of targets get sick and tired of the hypervigilance: let's face it: narcissists are always trying new tricks to upset their targets, and they are always testing boundaries and grooming you for more and more abuse. Of course, it is not wise to call them out if you are living with them or if they have a history of violence, so you will have to figure out if it is worth it, and how much narcissistic injury your narcissist can take. Although I have mostly focused on perpetrators of abuse in the over-all blog so far (so that victims know who they are dealing with, and the tricks of the abuser's trade), it is important to understand that some victims, particularly victims of sexual abuse and physical abuse have very little tolerance for the walk on eggshells, or fashion-a-mask-so-that-you-don't-look-like-you-are-criticizing "them" policy. Victims of chronic childhood sexual abuse especially have very little tolerance for commands, demands, coercion and threats because those are the things that caused them harm, great harm, in the end. It is how they got tricked and conned into performing sex acts. A "nice" predator with candy can also turn into "mean predator", using brutality and force, and it won't make much difference what your facial expression is. Also, child victims of sexual abuse can do very little to keep safe from abuse except to have hiding places, good running skills, look disgusting and dirty, smell, or have a contagious disease or virus, and sometimes that doesn't even help them avoid abuse. Facial expressions are just another drop in the bucket as to what can go wrong. Victims of sexual abuse tend not to trust authority, and to be very, very resistant when it comes to authority figures telling them what to do. It can even trigger a PTSD episode. So they tend to be as independent from authority as they possibly can. Victims of on-going childhood physical abuse are also highly resistant to authority. If a parent chronically wounded them (whipping them with switches, for instance), they are not going to be dealing with demands, commands and arm-twistings well either. In the case of switches where a parent demands that a child cut off a tree limb for his own beating, these children grow up resenting and distrusting authority for the most part. Unless they become narcissists or borderlines themselves, they tend to see injustice every where, and they have a strong desire to "set things right." It is illegal to whip a child until he is wounded these days (classified as extreme child abuse), but back in the 1920s through the 1960s parents could treat their children like slaves if they wanted, leaving deep welts, whip-lashes and permanent injuries, even get them lobotomized, and get away with it. So it is unrealistic to expect that children growing up in these conditions are going to worry about facial expressions or how a few words might enrage a narcissist. They are more "flight" types of people when it comes to abuse than trying to work through the on-going system of their parent's denigration and discards, and living with hypervigilance day in and day out about it all. Since they rebel against authority, and are hyper sensitive to injustice, they are probably going to be calling narcissists out rather than being careful and walking on eggshells. So, say you also cannot walk on eggshells, that it makes you sick, that it is just not in you to do so. Say that you will accept their discards with grace (i.e. finding ways of making lemonade out of the lemons they throw at you). For instance, their silent treatment of you is meant to hurt you, but you can turn it into a blessing if you know how to work it -- more on that in another post. The thing is, calling them out on their lies and gross behavior actually can stop the escalations in some of them because they become paranoid that others will find out who they are, rather than focusing so much of their attention on attacking you. Strangers, superficial friends, and relatives they haven't seen in a long time are much, much more important to them than you are because it is the peripheral people innocent to the predatory games of the narcissist who will provide the newest best source of narcissistic supply. They are counting on it. When they rage at you and do their disappearing acts, these superficial relationships mean the world to them. Of course, they will be using smear campaigns on you to keep up an attack by proxy, but there is a way to keep a step ahead of them. If you have read about narcissists at all, you will know that almost all narcissists' tell others that their victims are insane (too insane to have a relationship with). This is called gaslighting and all victims of abuse experience it. You can go to an event with 500 other survivors and they were all smeared in this way, it is that predictable. Since you know they will be using this tactic, you can prepare yourself (even the simple task of gathering your mental health records if you have been to therapy for abuse can take that weapon away from them, for instance -- more later on other strategies for another post). The other reason they use silent treatments is to "teach you a lesson", especially if you are their child (and yes, they treat adult children like they are still six year olds). You are supposed to be doing a lot of self reflection and self blaming -- on why you caused them to rage, abuse, neglect and reject you (the age old: "You brought this upon yourself" tactic). They are so sure that you will be hanging your head in shame and guilt the whole time, and that your loneliness and sadness will be unbearable, but you can use these expectations of theirs to your advantage too. The thing is, you know they won't be doing any self reflection about their hyper criticisms of you, their denigration of you, and you know they are hypocrites, so it really is absurd to be wasting your time in taking part in their fantasies that you will be wringing your hands in the deepest darkest hole of shame while they go about feeling completely absolved of abusing you. So, stop the self-blaming, and lonely self-isolating activities altogether, if you can help it. Counter what they want for you. When you do finally see them, you can use their hypocrisies to explain what you have learned. For instance, when they ask "What have you learned?" you can do all kinds of creative things with your answer including: "Exactly the same lessons that you learned when we were away from each other" or you can be sarcastic like "Your life is so much better off without your children. That is the one thing I have discovered. Why, you should keep doing that. You have two other children left" or "I fell in love and learned what real love is about" or "I learned that social isolation is immoral" -- it can be anything you want that challenges their agenda to hurt you. Since they haven't got a clue as to how to self-reflect, they rarely know how to respond either. All they really know how to do is to manipulate and attack (or to be happy with superficial flattery -- real and unreal). Narcissists aren't all that creative, so they will most likely use attacks that they've tried before, hoping those attacks will work again in putting you in your place. But counter them by giving them answers which are the least predictable. Keep them stunned and off-guard. They may come back with cruel phrases like "Yes, my life really is definitely better off without you", watching for your reactions of pain, but you can come back with "I understand that this is what makes you feel you are a great mother (or father). Now, if you'll excuse me ..." Indeed, what ever they do, they will just keep trying to bully you, blame you and hurt you, but they don't want to work too hard at it, they count on some semblance of predictability in your behavior. Notice I use the word predictability. Don't give it to them! Also, realize fighting with them isn't worth more than a few come-backs. Believe in the phrase: I learned long ago, never to wrestle with a pig. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it. -- quote by George Bernard Shaw But suppose you can't get away from the pig in them. Suppose they just keep throwing the pig at you, goading and taunting you endlessly. After all, most abusers want to make you uncomfortable, and they'll insist that you stay in the game so that they can "win". The comeback here can be "I have nothing to say" repeated over and over and over again. And walk away from them. Believe it or not, they will feel they won because to narcissists when aggression meets with passive resistance, they feel they have won. Generally this method, unlike Dr. Judy's, is to deflect and avoid their barbs. Be ironic (narcissists are least in touch with irony, but most everyone else around you will "get it" if you are in a crowd, for instance). I would never tell a narcissist that you self reflect, even if you do. They aren't going to like what the self reflections amount to anyway, they are so single-minded and rigid in their thinking, so you might as well not even go there in your conversation with them. If you want to tell them that you have been thinking endlessly about them, you can exaggerate it to the extreme (again this might make them smile and back off on the bullying, but everyone else will get that you are clowning with them). In fact, the "other school of thought" teaches you mainly to do the opposite of what they want and demand because it is the healthiest thing for them and for you. I ascribe to the latter school of thought rather than Dr. Judy's school of thought on how to handle narcissists because there is only so much mirroring, bullying, walking on eggshells, keeping quiet and serving up narcissistic supply that I want in my life. I don't believe in being steam-rolled, or cowering in a corner, or thinking about whether my facial expressions are going to be a "punishable offense by them", and I'm an activist anyway, so it feels right for me not to be their drug of choice. One of the things I have found about narcissistic mothers is that an overwhelming number of them are staunch Women's Libbers. Women's Liberation is about putting women on equal footing with men, and on growing a sisterhood with other women to fight against male domination. Obviously this should include daughters. Women's Liberation is about the unrealistic expectations that men have about women in terms of tightly defined "roles", and about resisting the subservience of those roles. The things is, what is expected of children of narcissistic women's libbers is the opposite of women's liberation: it is about being quiet, subservient, walking on eggshells and often being unfavored and compared negatively to a male sibling. So these narc mothers send the message that Women's Liberation is for them only and not for their daughters. Blech, it is hard to hide disgust about that awful hypocrisy! I'd rather that narcissists just deal with the real world of narcissistic injury like all the rest of us big girls and boys do. Which is to say that I think that walking on eggshells just feeds a narcissist's delusions about themselves as being entitled to special treatment. On putting children first before the mother: I agree with Dr. Judy that a mother should put her child first. The overwhelming number of mothers do, and feel a joy and a natural calling for it. They abhor child abuse and neglect, and build relationship bonds through empathy. And I understand that narcissists are the opposite: they put themselves first and foremost. They are devoid of empathy. They can barely think of the child as something separate from fulfilling their own desires, whether those desires are to keep the child down, or to raise them up to reflect well upon themselves. For children of narcissists who don't want to be like their narcissistic parent, you have to figure out what kind of good boundaries to set. If you have narcissistic parents, you may feel you don't know how to parent. Some children of narcissists are so used to being doormats and people-pleasers for their parents that they don't know anything else. While I think it is mostly a good idea to put your kids first, you can also run yourself ragged doing so. Moderation in everything is the best choice. You might have worked ultra hard for your mother's love, but she abused you anyway. So you may be groomed to care of your child's every feeling, every little stubbed toe, every pang of hunger, every little feeling that you think you might have hurt (but didn't). Perhaps you are so super sensitive to your children's feelings and aches and pains because you grew up caring too much about your parent. Maybe you cannot sleep at night because you are so worried about the needs and well being of your child. The problem with being a total opposite of your abusive parent is that if you spoil children too much, and tell them they are wonderful no matter what they do and how they act, or over-look every "fault" to drive home that you accept them and love them unconditionally (the love you never received), you might be bringing up another narcissist (just like your parent!). While being cruel, rejecting and punishing is not good parenting, being overly tolerant and a door mat is not good parenting either. Treat your children with respect, but put some boundaries up with them too (such as not letting them get away with murder). Talk to your kids, be aware and concerned with what they are thinking and feeling, but don't let them abuse, insult, degrade and treat you like a slave. When we grow up with parents who are narcissists, we don't have good role models for parenting, so I suggest going to therapy to make yourself into the best parent and role model you can be. Fortunately many of the younger generation are doing that now and doing it without shame (it is no longer stigmatizing to attend therapy or anger management classes; it is something to be proud of ... self reflection is the cool brave thing to do). When we carry messages in our minds that our parents taught about us, or tried to force on us, then we run the risk of damaging the next generation in the same way. When we work on ourselves for the next generation, we also have, for the most part, lifelong, respectful, deep, loving relationships with our children. Breaking Free from Narcissistic Mothers with Dr. Judy Rosenberg: further reading: Be The Cause: Healing Human Disconnect -- by Dr. Judy Rosenberg (maker of the videos above) 13 Ways Being Raised by a Narcissist Can Affect You -- Dan Neuharth, PhD MFT (recommended Psych Central article) Family Systems Theory -- Kerr, Michael E. “One Family’s Story: A Primer on Bowen Theory.” The Bowen Center for the Study of the Family. 2000. http://www.thebowencenter.org Family Systems Therapy -- from the GoodTherapy.org site, a site run by a number of practicing therapists What are the eight interlocking concepts of Bowen Family Systems Theory? -- from Vermont Center for Family Studies Emotional Cutoff and Family Stability: Child Abuse in Family Emotional Process -- by Walter Howard Smith Junior According to Harvard Psychologists: Parents Who Raise Good Kids Do These Five Things -- by Simon Segal (you'll note that in healthy parent-child relationships, parents actually apologize and self reflect, something that narcissistic parents almost never do) 19 Signs You Were Raised By A Narcissistic Parent -- from the administrators of the Health Foundation website briefly these signs include: they tried to control you through codependency, they laid on the guilt thick, they only loved you when you did what they wanted, they liked to "get even" with you, they never respected your boundaries, they competed with you, they "owned" your accomplishments, they constantly lied to you, they never listened to (or cared) about your feelings, they constantly insulted you, they exerted explicit control over you, they gaslighted you, they "parentified" you, they had a "favorite" or "golden" child, they reacted intensely to any form of criticism, they projected their bad behavior onto you, they never displayed any empathy, they were infallibly correct and never did anything wrong, they liked to present a perfect family image to outsiders. The 5 most common themes in narcissistic families, from 'flying monkeys' to the 'needy sibling' - by Lindsay Dodgson discusses other family roles than the standard ones ... I'm Done Letting You Treat Me Like Sh*t Just Because You're 'Family' -- by Kieanna Ryann excerpt: "Family is supposed to be our safe haven, but very often, it's the place where we find the deepest heartache." I am slowly learning that some people are no good for me, no matter how hard I try to make things work. You've made it pretty clear I'm not good enough for you. I got it. Honestly, the fact that you're mean doesn't bother me a bit. It's the fact that you disguise yourself as a nice person that bothers me a whole lot. Being my parent, you were supposed to be the person I looked up to, my role model. You were supposed to always be there for me, not disregard my feelings and pick sides in family arguments. I shouldn't have had to compete with other siblings for your attention and you shouldn't be picking favorites but that's what I constantly find you doing, day after day. You are disrespectful, insensitive, controlling and a bully. You use threats, try to belittle me, and act like I'm a bad person so you don't feel guilty about the way that you treat me. I'm sorry, but maybe you should look at how you're treating me before you bitch about how I react to it. You're supposed to be the adult, but the minute I say one thing wrong, you throw a tantrum like a two-year-old that didn't get its way. You have no boundaries. You feel entitled to say whatever you feel is true, and throw your opinion around whether it's rude, hurtful, or not true at all. No matter how innocent and untarnished my words may be, you interpret it as a threat to your ego, and it gets to the point that the minute I open my mouth, you're standing there, chest puffed out, ready for a fight. Characteristics of Narcissistic Mothers -- by Parrish Miller The Differences Between a Sociopath and a Narcissist -- from Sanctuary of Abused website Abusive Families Who Triangulate (love triangles) -- my own post Favoritism: Fostering Abuse for Everyone in the Family, and Why a Narcissistic Parent Favors and Loves the Golden Child Most, and What it Does to the Whole Family -- my own post Ostracism and Being the Scapegoat in the Alcoholic Family -- my own post Why Do Narcissists Reject (discard) Their Most Successful Child? -- my own post JonBenet Ramsey and Burke Ramsey: Would Parents Cover Up One of Their Children's Murder For the Other? -- my own post Perfection in Abusive Relationships: Parents and Partners Who Expect Perfectionism, and Punish if They are Not Receiving It -- my own post What victims of maternal child abuse do NOT have (from womenworking.com): A graphic to go with today's post (and so true) found on the Toxic Mom Toolkit website: another one found on the StopTheNarcissistsNow/facebook page: And here's a funny roll-on-the-floor one that any survivor will get:

poster is © Lise Winne (contact LilacGroveGraphics ((att)) yahoo.com for further usage) Warning: this post contains language that is not appropriate for children. This post is also intended to help you discern whether you were or are a victim of child abuse. This is a quote from a WikiHow article entitled How to Deal with a Bad Parent: Federal legislation defines child abuse as “Any recent act or failure to act on the part of a parent or caretaker which results in death, serious physical or emotional harm, sexual abuse or exploitation"; or “An act or failure to act which presents an imminent risk of serious harm." In a post entitled 9 Types Of Behavior You Shouldn't Tolerate From Your Mother by Isadora Baum, CHC is one of the precursors to knowing whether you have a toxic parent (i.e. someone who is not healthy for you emotionally or psychologically). The list includes (abbreviated version): 1. She's rude to you 2. She's uninterested in your life 3. She doesn't think she is ever wrong 4. She leaves you out or favors another sibling 5. She doesn't respect boundaries 6. She makes you feel ashamed of your actions 7. She doesn't appreciate all you do for her 8. She wants you all to herself 9. She's abusive Note: child abuse tends to be lifelong. If your parents are not willing to change their behavior, the common advice is to seek counseling from a certified therapist (recommended are trauma and/or domestic violence specialists). Any parent who tries repeatedly or for lengthy amounts of time to punish you when you are older than 18 years of age, whether physically, or by withdrawing love, or by giving you the silent treatment, and has most of the traits of the 9 toxic parenting issues above is an abusive parent. Note that most abusive parents also have very different public images from their private images, and most also fib more than people in the general population. Note that most abusive parents have personality disorders: Borderline Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Antisocial Personality Disorder are the most common. See my post on what abuse is and who it is perpetrated by, to fully understand the rest of this post. The following major signs of abusive parents is long, and it is long for a few reasons, one of which is to cover all of the signs with examples and details (for the sake of understanding). I suggest when reading through the bold parts, that if it doesn't apply, then move on to the other signs. The list: They neglect you or reject you when you are sick, feeling hurt, feeling traumatized, going through a medical crisis, in the hospital, after an accident, when your other parent dies, or when your sibling dies, or when one of your children dies, or when you, or your spouse, or your child has been diagnosed with a terminal illness: Narcissistic and sociopathic parents do not take these life-changing experiences seriously because they are that self absorbed. However, if they go through any of these events, they expect everyone in the family to stop what they are doing and to think of them at all times, to pray for them, perhaps even provide round-the-clock comfort! They are hypocrites when it comes to caring: they want to be cared about and cared for, without caring about and caring for others. In fact, some of them resent being asked to care. Sometimes narcissistic and sociopathic parents withdraw love and caring during these times as a way to punish their child or adult child or as a way to trauma bond with them. Malignant narcissists (narcissists with sociopathic traits) and sociopaths get off on the sadistic neglect or rejection of their child, especially when their child is going through traumatic life events. They try to discipline or punish you after 18 years of age: This is the major red flag of abusive parenting. (Note: you can become emancipated from your parents in most states in the USA after age 16, so in many cases, punishmernts should be over when you are 16). Adult-to-adult threats to harm or to punish in any way are classified as harassment. Harassment is illegal. "Physical discipline" from adult parent to adult child is classified as assault. Assault is illegal. Locking you in a room or preventing you from leaving a premises as a disciplinary measure is false imprisonment. False imprisonment is illegal. Narcissistic parents walk a very thin line with the law. Sociopathic parents often go over the line in terms of breaking the law. The reason why narcissistic and sociopathic parents still try to punish, discipline, blackmail, arm-twist and sacrifice children is because they still look at their adult child as an underage child. They also don't possess healthy conflict resolution skills, so they retaliate and punish instead. They also feel that children exist for them to control and exert power over. These kinds of parents are not interested in their children as autonomous adults with minds of their own. An adult child is either deemed to be good (a willing live marionette) or bad (unwilling to be the parent's marionette) in the narcissist's or sociopath's mind. They practice retaliatory vengeful parenting (they especially retaliate if they feel they are being criticized, exposed or challenged) Retaliatory parenting is very common for Narcissistic Personality Disordered parents and Anti Social Personality Disordered parents. It is so uncommon among normal parents that if vengeful parents are ever publicly exposed, it can make these parents lose social standing and credibility. Retaliatory parenting can kill the parent-child relationship forever and is one of the major factors in child/parent estrangements. Retaliatory parents can expect their children to recite untruths. They often arm-twist children to accept that they, the child, is always wrong, but that the parent is always right. If the child does not promote the parent in social circles, they are known to retaliate. Retaliation often occurs when parental abuse is exposed, and even when the parent feels threatened that it will be exposed. The other sign of parents who may be abusive is if they can dish out constant criticism of others, but they can't take criticism themselves (hypocrisy). Narcissists are known for seeking revenge for people who criticize them. They are also known to seek some sort of censorship. They play tit-for-tat games with their own children This is the same as vengeful, retaliatory parenting, except it is a childish game that narcissists and sociopaths find entertaining, fun and funny. Normal parents, if they find out about it, usually find it extremely immature. Some tit-for-tat examples: * You tell your parent that you want to take a vacation with just your spouse (this time around). In retaliation, they take a vacation with all of your siblings and their spouses, but do not invite you or your spouse. * You tell your mother that you are having a birthday party for your three year old, but that it will just be a party for mothers who have three year olds (this time). In retaliation, your mother holds a birthday party for another one of her grandchildren who is also three years old, but doesn't invite you or your child. * You have an argument with your mother. You tell her that you need some time to cool off and gather your thoughts, and that you will contact her in three days. She insists that the two of you talk right now, that it is terrible to make her wait three days. You tell her that you can't think clearly about the issues between the two of you because your daughter has chicken pox, your husband is trying to find a job after being laid off, the dog has to be put down at the vets, you have to get a personal loan to pay for the mortgage until your husband finds another job, that you are up to your eyeballs in crises. When you contact her three days later, she refuses to talk to you and gives you the silent treatment for three months. After she is done "punishing you" with the silent treatment (note that adult-to-adult punishments are abuse), she says, "How did you like it? Being put off for three months!? If you are going to make me second fiddle to everyone else in your life, and make a dog more important than your own mother, you know that I got more from where that came from!" Tit-for-tat parenting is very, very common for narcissists and sociopaths. They always shift blame away from themselves and burden their child with blaming and shaming instead (even when the child is not at fault) Narcissists and sociopaths do not accept blame for their actions, no matter how small, so they always put the blame on their victims instead, and this can and does include their children as well. Typical ways they shift blame on their children: * If they forgot to pay their bill, they will blame their child for distracting them * If they stole something from someone else, they will say that their child did it instead * If they cut their child's face out of the family photo album, they will say that their child expressed a desire to no longer be part of the family (this is highly suspicious: grandiose narcissists in particular make cutting out one child, or group of children, in the family photo albums a practice) * If they cut their child out of their life, they will often say that the child cut them out of their life instead (flipped tales are very common with covert narcissists, sociopaths and abusive parents in general) * If a child falls off the monkey bars at a playground because a parent is not engaged or paying attention, they will say that the child fell off the monkey bars "just to get attention" (this is another kind of abusive parent ploy. This is another instance of a flipped tale to make the parent look good, and the child look bad -- very prevalent among abusive parents) * A child calls his parent out on a favoritism issue -- that the parent is favoring one of his children over the other. With normal parents, they try to do everything they can to make things even between their children, and to point it out afterwards. With abusive parents, the parent will purposely put a lot more time into the favored child while ignoring you, especially after you complain. This is because they are fuming over feeling criticized about their parenting. If it is obvious favoritism, it is done on purpose no matter what they say (with narcissists and sociopaths it is important to look at what they do rather than what they say). Favoritism in the family covers this topic. Often narcissists and sociopaths treat you the opposite way that you want to be treated for trauma bonding purposes, for narcissistic supply, and because they are sadists who enjoy their children feeling hurt or marginalized. They like to toy with your lack of importance to them. It is a type of vengeful parenting too. Perspecticide: your parent re-phrases and re-frames your experiences to their own liking: This is called perspecticide. Retelling your experiences is meant to be about their own views of you, your thoughts and your feelings. It is also about the role that they have assigned for you in their lives (and this changes depending on whether they are idealizing you or in the discard-punishment phase with you). They also try to change the events you have lived through in such a way as to make it define their own world view and concepts of you, and to make themselves appear infallible, without reproach. In other words, they use their altered versions of your experiences to self-aggrandize. See my post on word salad arguments for better understanding. Perspecticide is also about them insinuating that you are either a liar, or that you don't know how to perceive your own experiences, thoughts and feelings (i.e. that you are crazy). They also use their altered versions of your experiences to self-aggrandize. Perspecticide is where normal parenting parts drastic ways with abusive parenting. What it sounds like (using Johnny as the parent's child): "Johnny feels ________________" "Johnny thinks _______________" "Johnny's experience was _______________" Note that the above should be questions for Johnny, not for his parent to decide. Abusive homes are full of perspecticide in this manner. When it is especially abusive, this is what it sounds like: "No, you weren't feeling that at all. What you were feeling is hatred for your sister and you're going to pay for it, and also apologize. You are going to stay in your room all day, and I don't want to hear anything more said about it!" "I know what you are thinking! You don't fool me! Just for that, you're going to get it!" "I know I wasn't there, but I believe your sister over you. That's just the way it is. Your sister is mostly always right about events and conversations, and you are mostly wrong, as well as crazy, so you are not going to convince me otherwise." -- this is a typical scapegoating phrase. It is also a sign of splitting (psychology term for black and white thinking). Read my post on invalidation and perspecticide here. They make it clear that they don't care what you feel or think When you have abusive parents, they make it pretty clear that your feelings and thoughts don't matter, only theirs do. If you find that your parent constantly expects apologies, or expects apologies over what they think you are feeling and thinking, then this is a definite red flag of abusive parenting. In normal families, a parent will apologize for hurting his child's feelings, or misunderstanding what he is thinking. In abusive families, this rarely, if ever, takes place during the child's entire life time. If you feel that you have to shout or get emotional to be heard by your parent, this is a typical reaction of children from abusive homes and something that narcissists and sociopaths tend to label as "drama" or "crazy." They are simply too self centered to understand or care what children think or feel, so labeling you is the way they deal with not being sensitive. They hurt you or punish you if you cry Narcissists and sociopaths do not tend to think a child crying is normal including if the child is crying because he or she is hurt. Angry phrases like "suck it up!", "Stop being a cry-baby!", "I don't want to hear you cry one more time!", "Shut up!", "I've had enough of your catterwauling!", "I've had enough of your tears! Grow up!" are lobbed at children. "If you cry one more time, you're going to get it!", or hitting or intentionally hurting a child because they are crying is a sign of un-empathetic parenting. Narcissists and sociopaths lack empathy. Narcissists are hyper-sensitive to criticism so they tend to retaliate against a child who is crying and in pain because they think the child is criticizing their parenting if they cry. "Oh, I'm such a terrible parent for making you cry!", "If you are not going to be nice to Mommy, and continue to cry, then you're going to sit in your room all day long until you can behave!" are just some of the phrases that narcissistic parents use. Parents who are narcissists care much more about their image, even if it is not a genuine image of who the parent really is than the child's feelings. Sociopaths do not care as much about their image, but crying is an inconvenience to them, something that must be squelched and buried because it is cramping their style and entitlements. They can be extremely retaliatory and cold-hearted towards children who are expressing any kind of emotion. In fact, they don't approve of anything other than agreement with them at all times and sycophant phrases. They constantly interrogate you for information Normal parents have been known to interrogate under-age children, especially if they are concerned. However, this practice in normal parenting is usually forsaken when the child becomes an adult (autonomous adult). Parents who are narcissists and sociopaths do not respect their adult child's boundaries and often retaliate if they can't get information or gossip from their adult children. Constant interrogations are usually a sign of the parent wanting to exert control. Lectures and ultimatums usually follow. They punish you if you refuse to be interrogated Silent treatment, verbal abuse, rage, making you a laughing stock are all signs of an abusive parent who won't respect your boundaries about being interrogated. Interrogations should be over after you have turned 18 years of age. This is a sign that your parent does not respect your boundaries. They give the silent treatment (or reject, ostracize or shun): This is a shaming and blackmail tactic, made to make you feel unloved. It is primarily and overwhelmingly used by narcissistic and sociopathic parents. It is rare for normal parents to use this tactic (though sometimes normal parents use it for very short periods of time on their children, usually not for longer than a few hours or a day, and often with great regret). Even a day or two of a parent giving a child or an adult child the silent treatment does plenty of damage to the child, and the relationship between parent and child, particularly if the reason for the silent treatment is for the parent to express rage, disapproval, stonewalling or selfishness (the parent initiating the silent treatment wanting to "get his way" without consideration for the child's, or adult child's, feelings or perspectives). Narcissists and sociopaths use the silent treatment on their children for very long periods of time. Narcissists generally use the silent treatment for two weeks to several months. Sociopaths use the silent treatment as "punishment", even on adult children, and often for months, years or a life time. Neither personality type expresses guilt for using it and they almost never apologize for using it unless their tactics are exposed to others. This is the big difference between personality disordered parents and normal parents. Normal parents know and are concerned that the silent treatment is hurting their child and doing damage to their relationship even within the day it is initiated. They tend to apologize to their child and not use it again. If there is a perpetual use of the silent treatment (a habit), your parent has a problem. Never blame yourself for their use of this dirty tactic. Even if you receive an apology for a silent treatment that has gone on for months or years, be aware that the apology may not be genuine. Narcissists and sociopaths do not feel empathy for their children, so there is likely to be some other reason for the apology. They are known to apologize and then to turn around and say that they are the victim of their recalcitrant child and that the child caused them to use it. This tactic is definitely a sign of narcissism or Antisocial Personality Disorder as these personality disordered types usually try to present themselves as victims, even of their own children ... except that abuse tends to flow from parent to child, not the other way around. The exceptions are highly addicted children, and children who have been so abused by the parent, that they seek retaliation against that parent. Most abused children, however, tend to have life long depression (whether very mild or severe), PTSD and some have thoughts of suicide. The other exception is triangulation. For instance, a child is being triangulated and groomed by a grandparent to hate their parent. There is more danger of this happening in a home that has all three generations living in it. In this situation, the narcissistic disordered grandparent uses the child's parent as a scapegoat -- the 1st generation brainwashes the 3rd generation, and both 1st and 3rd gang-bully the 2nd generation person in the household -- very common. Of course, most narcissists and sociopaths do not know that abuse is overwhelmingly multi-generational, being passed from parent to child, as they rarely go to therapy or read up on the subject, so they sometimes expose themselves to others who are much more educated (especially if the parent uses the "punishment" phrase when revealing why they don't see an adult child). If you are under the age of 16, time-outs should be no longer in number of minutes than your age. Time-outs should never be used to inflict harm, only as a tool for cooling down and gathering your thoughts. Sadistic time-outs are a sign of the silent treatment. The silent treatment is an emotional bullying tactic. It is meant to make you suffer by showing you: 1. that your relationship between you doesn't matter 2. that your feelings don't matter 3. that your thoughts don't matter 4. that your experiences don't matter 5. that you are dead to the person 6. it is designed to punish 7. it is vengeful parenting (revenge against children is often the sign of narcissistic or sociopath parents -- both types of parents still often practice child abuse long after childhood) 8. it is designed as a power and control weapon to get you to do what the parent wants 9. if practiced on a long term basis it is meant to damage you and disable you (i.e. to make you depressed and despondent -- if your parent also throws in a smear campaign against you or tries to keep you out of family events or dis-invite you, or threatens others in the family not to talk to you, in tandem with the silent treatment, it is even more of an indicator that your parent is a narcissist or a sociopath). The silent treatment and forms of shunning are mostly practiced on scapegoats in a family. Also see my more lengthy post on the silent treatment if this is happening to you. The silent treatment is just as dangerous as physical abuse; around a quarter of children who receive long periods of the silent treatment with a smear campaign from a parent commit suicide. They don't acknowledge or celebrate your important events This usually goes in tandem with the silent treatment. They ignore your birthday, graduations, wedding, special awards, special ceremonies, births of your children, birthdays of your spouse and children, holidays you used to share together, and so on, especially when they are angry. They also don't acknowledge or offer help during surgeries, hospitalizations, births, funerals, etc. In other words, they are conspicuously absent during important times. As with the silent treatment, this is a passive-aggressive tactic made to make you feel unloved, worthless, not worthy of human kindness or decency. "You are crazy" or "You are stupid" and other shaming statements: Shaming is always categorized as abuse, especially if it went on during a great deal of your childhood. There is absolutely no reason at all why a parent has to tell one of their children they are crazy. But all abusive parents target at least one of their children for the label (or they use psychiatric labels). Shaming statements about your sanity, your ability to perceive things, being called stupid, being reprimanded over your interests and your choices about who to love, are, obviously, very harmful and hurtful to a child who is looking to parents for validation, love, respect and worthiness. If these kinds of statements are said once or twice during your entire childhood, you probably still remember them. If your parent apologized for saying them once or twice during your childhood or adulthood, perhaps you can forgive and forget . However, if these kinds of shaming statements were said throughout your childhood, or off and on, they are definitely meant to harm you and hurt you -- they would definitely fall under the category of abuse (this is with or without an apology afterward -- see wheel of abuse). The "you are crazy" statements are referred to as gaslighting by professional therapists. Gaslighting is so extremely common in all abusive relationships that it is practically a given (see next paragraph). For more on other ways parents shame, go here. They gaslight you: Gaslighting is a lot like "You are crazy" statements, except they are meant to negate your experiences, feelings and thoughts. For instance, say that your mother called you all kinds of names at 4:00 in the afternoon like "You're an albatross! You're worthless to me! Right now I could care less about you! And I don't want to hear all of your caterwauling crying either, so if you're going to do that, stay in your room with the door closed until dinner!" Two hours later at the dinner table your father notices that you are looking depressed, despondent and you aren't eating your food (by the way trauma, the fight-or-flight reaction, often manifests as a lack of hunger, no desire to eat). Perhaps your father asks why you aren't hungry, why your head is down and why you are pushing your food around your plate instead of eating it. Say that your answer is "I don't feel hungry" but your father is concerned. Say you blurt out that your mother called you an albatross and worthless and didn't care that you were left to cry in your room since four. Gaslighting would be if the mother said: "I would never call you an albatross! I would NEVER, EVER say that about my own child! I would also never say that you were worthless or just let you cry alone! You're absolutely crazy for saying that! What is the matter with you!?" Gaslighting is so common in abusive families that you can go to a symposium with 200 other survivors and they were all taught to view themselves as crazy, and not to rely on their own experiences and perspectives for their sense of reality. Gaslighting most often is accompanied by smear campaigns too, especially with other family members that you share in common. In other words, your abusive parent refers to you as crazy, insane, mentally deranged, mentally challenged, or puts psychological labels on you to infer that you are not worth listening to or relating to. This is a tactic to negate what you have to say, and to isolate you so that the abusive parent feels like they have total control over you without family interference or input. Gaslighting is child abuse and can do a lot of damage to the psychological development and well-being of a child, and in some instances can cause brain damage. My own opinion is that because it is so prevalent in child abuse, and can have such a negative impact on a child, it should be illegal. There is no reason for a parent to refer to their child as crazy. Also see my more lengthy post on gaslighting. They insult you: There are several types of insults including animal names, and other kinds of disparaging names meant to diminish a child's self worth (if animal names are used, it is to perceive the child as less than human). Normally this kind of behavior breaks a relationship. But as a child, you are hostage to the situation and the labels your parents give you tend to work deep into your consciousness. On-going labeling and verbal abuse can cause severe PTSD in children, especially if these names and labels are used in anger and in conjunction with other types of abuse. A great deal of damage can happen as a result of parental labeling. Narcissist and sociopath parents take labeling to an extreme and rarely change the labels, even over decades. They often refer to their children in public as "the quiet one", "the crazy one", "the comedian" and so forth. That is because they are such control freaks that they put these children into roles at a young age, and try to reinforce the roles upon the children throughout a life time. More on roles from this post. * Animal names include: albatross, sloth, pig, rat, snake, serpent, bitch, hog, cuckoo, dodo bird, weasel, vulture, black widow spider, scared-y cat, piss-ant, sly-as-a-fox, etc. * Disparaging names include: stupid, waste, ugly, fat, dunce, worthless, evil, dweeb, dumb-bell, crazy, insane, inane, lazy, crazy-making, cookoo bird, silly, ridiculous, weird, senseless, simpleton, bad-ass, ornery, freak, drama queen, you're such a girl (if the child is a boy), cry-baby, boring, bothersome, bad, terrible, no good, baby, lover (when the child is talking to someone of the opposite sex), has cooties, brain-dead, challenged (especially in front of the child or as a means to hurt the child or reputation of the child), etc. * Body part names and bodily excretion names include: ass, asshole, fucker, dick, cunt, little shit, little snot, snotty-nosed kid, little pisser, pecker-head, pussy, ass-kisser, bone-head, empty-headed -- never should be used on one's own children * "Always and never" phrasing is also detrimental to children * "I hate you", "I wish you were never born", "You're a total waste to me", "I wish you would run away and stay away forever", "I'm tired of you", "I never want to see your little face again", "You drive me crazy", "You are nothing to me", "You aren't mine, so go back to where you came from", "You should never have been born! You've been nothing but trouble since the day you were born!", "get your little ugly face away from me!" -- all very, very damaging to a child * Comparing children with bad fairy tale characters is also detrimental. For instance, narcissistic mothers have been cited as loving the rhyme: "There once was a girl, who had a little curl right in the middle of her forehead. When she was good she was very, very good, but when she was bad, she was horrid." There is a reason why narcissists love to recite that rhyme to one of their children: one, narcissists tend to be black-and-white and rigid in their thinking and judgments (that role playing agenda again), and two, the rhyme is most likely about the narc parent, NOT the child (narcissists swing wildly between idealize and discard, and they use projection to describe other people). Note this rhyme is most often used on the scapegoat of a family (i.e. the most sensitive of the children whose feelings are more easily expressed and haven't totally shut down from the toxic parenting). They terrorize you if you aren't doing things perfectly for them (or their views of what is perfect): Narcissistic and sociopathic parents tend to think that their children exist for parental needs and desires. They don't see them as autonomous beings who need to find their own way in the world. So they see them as workers who will help them run their business or household, and to their standards of perfection. While normal parents ask their children to do chores, they don't terrorize their children if their children refuse to do them. Terrorizing does not work anyway at motivating children (more on what motivates children in another post). With narcissistic and sociopathic parents there is also an expectation of perfection in their child's deeds, looks and words, with the implication that the child will be severely punished if they don't uphold these demands at all times. Ever hear of the phrase, "You need to be punished for that look on your face?" Narcissistic and sociopathic parents use that tactic over and over again to inflict pain on their child and damage their child's self esteem (on purpose!). This is to get the child dependent on the parent's views of them. See my post on perfectionism for a more in-depth discussion of this subject. If you do things for them, they always nitpick about what you didn't do right, or what wasn't good enough, or how much more you owe them. They strategically withhold love, acceptance, praise and familial belonging Nitpicking you about what you didn't do right is usually used with other forms of abuse. It is meant to shame you. Most shamed children feel angry inside and actually perform worse for the parent. Some may endure until they grow up and have their own lives. Some go silent. The reaction, however, is never healthy for the child. When parents throw IOUs at children, it can make the child feel shame as well, but they also inherently know that their parent possesses the resources and that a child can't, so that a "business relationship" or "business deal" can never be satisfactorily established because of the power imbalance. They inherently know that parental IOUs are unreasonable and meant to hurt them. Narcissists typically expect to be able to have complete control over their child in return for parental love, acceptance, familial belonging and any semblance of kindness. Sociopaths can, and do, often expect IOUs to be degrading: They expect their child to accept emotional, physical or sexual abuse, or prolonged periods of isolation/shunning, or complete parental control, in exchange for food, clothing and lodging, or any kindness at all. When you were growing up, your toys and other belongings weren't really yours: Signs: * An abusive parent breaks your toys on purpose, or gives your toys away to punish you, or in anger. * The parent does not respect your ownership of your toys and other belongings and they don't ask permission to move them, destroy them, dispose of them, give them away, throw them out or to take them from you. * They use toys as leverage for control or punishment. * Projects or toys that you make or sew yourself are re-made by the parent without your permission, or tampered with. Or, if your parent does not like or approve of your creative projects, throws them away, or they go missing, or found destroyed, or used as leverage or punishment. Sometimes disordered abusive parents also take away tools (sewing kits, pencils, crayons, paint, paper, wood, nails, etc) in order to sanction you from making projects or toys they don't want, or that they judge not to be good enough, or that they do not approve of. Unless the projects or toys that you make are promoting bigotry and hate, there is no need for a parent to take charge of deciding what to do with your projects. * Abusive homes also often have blatant favoritism happening in them, so in some abusive homes, the parent takes away the toys of one child and gives them to the favorite child. Also, favoritism is shown during gift-giving where you receive a card for your birthday and your sibling receives a birthday party, many gifts, a trip, etc. This is meant to hurt unfavored children, plain and simple. Belongings, and who has what, and maintaining an imbalance, is meant as a means of power and control, and to divide and conquer the siblings. * Some parents sell their children's toys in yard sales to raise money for themselves without asking a child's permission. * You didn't believe your toys were really yours; you believed your parents owned them, even if they gifted them to you initially. * Your toys are used for IOUs and guilt-trips. * Your parent gets clear satisfaction over your pain at ruining or giving away your toys. If you experienced any of these situations more than just a couple of times over a couple of toys (and especially with some of the other signs in this post), then this is a red flag of child abuse. Normal parents respect personal property, even their child's. If your abusive parent is divorced from your other parent, they disparage the other parent while aggrandizing themselves in stories This is called Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) and it is a huge problem in this country. PAS usually means the narc or ASPD parent disparages his (or her) ex to the children, tries to "win" the children's loyalty for themselves. They are known to punish or blackmail a child who feels close to or loves the other parent. In some parts of the USA, disparaging the other parent is illegal and can mean you lose custody (it is where I live). In other places in the country, free speech laws take precedence over PAS laws. It is common for narcissistic and sociopathic parents to fight tooth and nail for custody of the children (because life to them is about them "winning" everything they can, not what is best for the children). However, after they have gained custody, it is common for them to feel burdened and bored with parenting (and neglectful of the children), so it is common for them to either ask you, the child, to leave, to live with the other parent -- even after they have told you so many "derision stories" about that other parent! If you listen to them talk to their peers, they will always be talking about how the child's other parent was an awful, selfish parent, while referring to themselves as model parents. They use erroneous blaming to justify punishments, shaming and retaliatory parenting. The punishments are over something unsubstantiated and fallacious. They are also usually severe, the shaming seemingly endless and retaliatory (note: normal parents do not retaliate against their own children). Erroneous blaming is: "You need to be punished for that look on your face." -- very common "You deserve to be punished for that attitude!" -- also very common "How dare you give me that tone of voice! You will be punished for that!" -- also very common "I know you better than you know yourself! And you are thinking x, y and z! Therefore you need to be punished!" These kinds of phrases have many variations. It's also a perfect example of gaslighting and perspecticide besides falling under the category of erroneous blaming. "I know who you are and what your attitude is, and you are not fooling me, so you are getting smacked whether you like it or not." "I know what you are thinking! You think I'm a bad parent! Just for that here's this!" -- kicks the child in the kidneys really hard, knocking the kid on the floor. "I hate you, and I hate that you were ever born! You're going to stay in this room until the day you die!" "You think you are so great! Well, you're not! You are nobody! Got that? Nobody! No one likes you! You are a nobody and I'll spell it out for you because you're too stupid to spell: N-O-B-O-D-Y! If you're going to think you are great, then I'll cut you down to size every time! And you'll get it! You'll really get it! I'll take everything away from you so that you'll get it through your thick skull that you are no one, a big fat zero, and that no one cares! Get away from me now with your pathetic crying! You're disgusting!" You get the idea ... Go to my post on erroneous blaming and erroneous punishments for more information. When you were growing up, your pets weren't really yours and were used as blackmail, or for torture, or used as weapons: Torturing or killing pets to get a reaction from a child is more of a sociopathic trait (antisocial personality disorder) than a narcissistic trait. However, using pets for blackmail is definitely in the realm of narcissistic parenting (though sociopaths are known to do it too). A typical story I see in forums from survivors of sociopathic parents goes like this: The children are being punished severely or sexually abused by the sociopathic parent. The sociopath brings home some little bunnies for the kids. The kids are taught by the non-sociopathic parent how to care for the bunnies, what food to feed them, how to handle them, and so on. The children become really involved and attached to the pet bunnies to the point where they are worried sick that something might happen to the bunnies. But the non-sociopathic parent assures them that the bunnies are safe. One evening their sociopathic parent goes ballistic over dinner, or over the chatter at the table, insults everyone, leaving everyone in the family crying. The next morning, the sociopathic parent gathers the kids and brings them out to the bunny cages. All of the bunnies are dead. He laughs at seeing his children distraught. Here is a typical story of blackmail over pets: The narcissist does not want their child going to see their other parent (custody arrangement), or on a vacation trip, or a sleep-over with a child friend. It can be anything the parent is trying to keep his child from doing. The parent tells the child if he or she goes away on the trip, or on the custody visit, or what ever it is, the pet will not be fed or cared for. "Don't be surprised if when you return home that your pet is dead from your lack of care! That pet is your responsibility, not mine! If you insist on being irresponsible, deal with the consequences!" These are just some instances. Pets are used as pawns to get children to trauma bond with their disordered parent. They compare you negatively to others, or to your own siblings Normal parents appreciate all of their children and try to make things as fair as possible. They see the drawback for themselves of spoiling one child and scapegoating another. They also do not like to hurt their children. They want their children to be able to work together, to compromise, to be kind to one another, so that the family can rally together to take care of each other, the parents in old age, or one of the children, or one of the grandchildren, in the case of illness or strife. They abhor a family divided. Narcissistic and sociopathic parents go out of their way to produce a divided family by insisting on their children being sycophants competing for the parent's or grandparent's love (the most fawning child is rewarded). If children are deemed to not be enough of a sycophant, they are derided and rejected, sometimes by the entire family (to get them back in line). This eventually produces a favored golden child and an un-favored scapegoat within the family unit. If the golden is used by the parent to discipline, hit, abuse, deride or gang-bully a family scapegoat, the golden child is likely to turn into another abusive narcissist (or lying sociopath). The bullying by both the parent and the favorite child will mean that scapegoats will leave the family, and the parent will only have one child left in their old age (very common). This eventually becomes a problem for the parent, something normal parents would be able to forsee as undesirable, but which disordered parents cannot see because they act on impulse, entitlement and anger. After they discard you, they try to hoover you back to avoid social derision or fall-out Believe it or not, a lot of narcissists and sociopaths become exposed no matter how much they try to blame-shift and explain things away. The simple explanation for why family bullies are exposed is that bullying means they have to talk. Bullying does not exist in a silent vacuum. The typical ways they are exposed is being over-heard. Their own children often expose them too, because they grew up seeing and hearing abuse. Usually it is the scapegoat who does the exposing (and that is why he is called "the crazy one"), or it is a group of scapegoats. One of the reasons it ends up to be a "group" eventually is because when one scapegoat leaves (and no one knows what is happening to him), someone else in the family is put into the role of scapegoat next, whether that is an in-law, or a grandchild, or a step-sibling, or just another sibling. A family with scapegoats becomes a chorus of voices. At any rate, bullies also don't have just one victim; they have several, even if they only try to target or destroy one person at a time. In other words, bullying is done for bullying's sake, to arm-twist and to feel they are in the superior position. The problem with a life time of bullying is that it means going from one person, to the next, to the next, to the next, and leaving behind victims. It's the never-ending search for narcissistic supply (the search for an ultimate live marionette/sycophant who will do exactly as the bully wants, at all times -- an impossible ideal). So, in order to avoid exposure, or if they have been exposed, by you or one of their other victims, they will usually try to hoover you or someone else back into the fold of the family with sweet talk and gifts. They scapegoat one of their children If they have a child that they continually blame for all of the family's troubles, or if they say they are estranged from one of their children, this is a definite sign that they are abusive parents. The exceptions are a child who has a severe addiction or a child who is often incarcerated. Sometimes parents of children who have a severe mental illness can be estranged from children, however realize that most parents are heavily involved in their child's or adult child's treatments for mental health disorders (in other words, it is not common at all for parents to ostracize a child who has a real mental health problem). Also be aware that many abusive parents use a tactic to make themselves appear infallible (to appear as un-abusive parents) and make up "psychological disorders" for the purpose of gaslighting their children, and pretending to their friends that they are victims of their insane children. Scapegoats of a family are most often gaslit and treated in this way. If someone is always deemed to be at fault in the family, it is a sign that the family is continually scapegoating the member. When you find a scapegoat in a family, you usually find abusive parents behind it. They play favorites with their children Rampant favoritism is always a sign of narcissistic and sociopathic parenting. These kinds of parents also tend to be highly abusive parents. The favorite child is either groomed to be an ultra-empath or another bully. The ultra-empath golden is groomed to take care of Mom or Dad's every ache and pain, to have the same interests and perspectives, to help with Mom or Dad's career, and to either live very close by, or live in the same house as the Mom or Dad. In other words, they are brought up to be caretakers and to sacrifice their own dreams and autonomy to be at the parent's every beck and call. While many of these siblings end up feeling "better than" and more entitled than their other siblings, they are not allowed to bully or discipline those siblings, or even let on that they are "the favorite" (without being reprimanded by the parent for having a "high and mighty attitude"). Roughly half of goldens are brought up this way. The other half are the bully golden children. The bully golden child repeats the parent's attitudes and is complicit in bullying the sibling who is the present family scapegoat (assigned by the parent). The parent grooms the bully golden to look at his sibling as "less than" himself, and as "crazy" (see gaslighting). The parent looks to the golden as someone who will help in disciplining , "setting an example" and getting the family scapegoat, the family lost child and the family mascot "back on track". So the bully golden becomes part of the parental disciplinary team. Because he has "the okay" to dominate his siblings in the way he wants, sibling abuse is almost a given in these situations. It is further enabled because his siblings are also always expected to apologize to the golden, just as they are expected to do with the parents, even when the golden is highly abusive. Bully golden children are at high risk for alcoholism or drug addiction, and they are often criminal or in high stakes activities. They feel they can "never mess up", or "get caught", or will always be perceived to "do no wrong", thus they take wild chances with their health, and with gambling their lives and fortunes. They also usually take the bullying into other relationships (abuse their own children) when they grow up. They are often swaggering, cavalier, charming, deride people in a humorous way and are pathologically dishonest and hurtful to those who they deem to be "under them" or "less than them", which often includes their own children. Indeed, they often have full blown narcissistic personality disorder or antisocial personality disorder. See my post, favoritism in the family for a more in-depth post on how the narcissistic parent and bully golden child effects the entire family. There will be another more in-depth post about the two types of golden children. They infantilize you This is so extremely common in abusive families that it is a given. Some signs of infantilization include: * baby talks when you are not in the baby or toddler stage * condescends you, even when you are an adult * when you are an adult, talks endlessly about what you were like growing up * treats you physically as if you were still a child: kisses you on the lips, or has you sit in their lap, or pulls you by the hand to go to the kitchen to chop vegetables, or cuddles you, or cradles you, or rubs you on the head, or gives you a pat on your ass. * talks about you to others as if you are still a child -- as unable to take care of yourself or unable to protect yourself in the "big bad world". This can and does graduate to your parent treating you as though you are too disabled, too stupid, or too crazy (gaslighting again) to take care of yourself or to make your own autonomous decisions. * coaches you when you are an adult on how to talk to their friends, their parents, or other adults they know * punishes you, or isolates you from the rest of the family when you are an adult as though you are a "bad girl" or "bad boy" -- i.e. still a child. * expects your siblings to treat you like a child when you are an adult (i.e. condescend you, lecture you, punish you, arm-twist you, give you unsolicited advice, teach you -- in other words, to view you as a child instead of as an autonomous adult) * tells you that you can't get married, or that you shouldn't get married, or that you don't need to get married (all are also signs of control). If you do get married, has a fit: doesn't show up at the wedding or makes a scene at the wedding (very common), doesn't recognize your wedding with gifts, congratulations or affection, doesn't acknowledge your spouse and family (inlaws) as part of their family, makes their adult child feel guilty for getting married, tells their adult child they will not get anything from the last will and testament if they get married, tells their adult child they will be disowned until they get a divorce, etc. * tells you that you can't get a job, or tries to keep you from a certain kind of career, or tries to keep you from advancing in your line of work, or tells you that you need to "come home" right after work (when you are an adult), or tries to keep you from going to college, or tries to keep you from working for anyone but them, or their company, calls you every day on the phone to distract you, etc. * tries to make you cry or make you hurt (getting you to cry is a victory for parents who are narcissists or sociopaths; it is a sign that you are back to your infant stage of crying). It also shows them that they have the power to effect you emotionally. * decides what kind of job you will do, what the hours will be, what kind of career you will have, etc. Tends to pick jobs and careers for you which will keep you dependent or co-dependent on them. * decides when you are going to baby sit their children (i.e. your siblings).Tries to keep you and arm-twist you into the role of babysitter even when you are over 18 years of age. * pretends that you are their under-age child who they can lecture, give unsolicited advice to, punish, control, arm-twist, blackmail and terrorize into doing things for them. Infantilization includes trying to get you into a dependent, co-dependent or trauma-bonded role, and it usually includes giving you money (fully supporting you, or partially supporting you, or insisting you live with them under the guise that they will take care of you -- as though you are still a child). Infantilization is mostly practiced in tandem with parentification; i.e. the parent tries to get you dependent on them in some way for the purpose of controlling you and getting you to take care of all of their needs, wants, desires, demands, etc, in the guise of taking care of you as an adult as if you are their non-grown-up child. * gives you gifts when you are an adult which are more appropriate for a child than an adult. * Note: the golden child tends to be infantilized more than the scapegoat, but both are controlled by rewards and punishments for how much they go along with infanilization and parentification. The golden child tends to be rewarded for doing exactly what Mommy or Daddy tell them to do (even when the child is forty), and the scapegoat is unrewarded, cast aside, reprimanded and punished for not doing, to exact proportions, what Mommy or Daddy tell them to do (again, even when the child is forty). However, since these roles tend to be decided by Mommy or Daddy for life during the child's toddler stage, even when the scapegoat is working very hard, and the golden child is acting entitled and doing as little as possible, the scapegoat is still likely to be blamed and punished and the golden child is likely to be rewarded. This is because narcissists and sociopaths tend to see things in black and white terms (splitting), their opinions never change, and they use perspecticide to keep their opinions and beliefs about people fixed and intact, i.e. in their black and white thinking mode forever. In other words, they live in a fantasy world of their own making and manipulate people to adhere to their fantasies of roles. For more on infantilization see this Psych Central Article by Rachel Lee. They parentify you This means they groom you to be a parent for them. They groom you continually take care of their needs, to be sensitive to their feelings, to babysit their kids, to cook, clean and care for their children, to discipline and punish their kids, and for you to parent them: i.e. to cook, clean, and help your parents with school or work assignments. You may be changing your sibling's diapers more than they are changing them. While normal parents expect children to perform some chores around the household, disordered parents can expect children to be slaves who parent them. Some other signs of parentification: * They consistently cannot make up their mind, so ask you for your opinions. * They talk about their sex lives and sexual experiences with their children, and ask for advice about their sex lives. * They give you alcoholic beverages or supply you with marijuana on a consistent basis when you are under eighteen years of age * They let you have an affair with an older married man (for instance) when you are still under eighteen years of age * They talk about their extramarital affairs with their children and ask advice as to who they should be with (even when your two parents are still married) -- it happens. * They talk about the problems they are having with your other parent consistently (even normal parents who have been wounded by your other parent do this sometimes, so it is not just abusive parents who do this ... However, abusive parents will aggrandize themselves in stories while putting the other parent down, something that normal parents rarely, if ever, do). * They expect you to be loyal to them while sacrificing your relationship with your other parent * They expect you to hold them in higher esteem than your other parent (this sometimes goes further into expecting you to tell others that they are the better, more generous, more loving parent -- this is because narcissists and sociopaths are in perpetual competition with everyone they meet) * They expect chores from you that would typically be for an adult * They tell you to drive on public roads when you are too young to have a license or driver's permit * They expect you to operate dangerous machinery that is typically meant for adults only * They expect you to do dangerous duties for them, putting yourself in harm's way, so that if something happens to you, their lives will be spared * They expect you to give up other relationships and put them first * They expect you to give up caretaking of others (such as your spouse or child) to care for them * They expect you to take care of them in old age and reward and punish in order to get you into that role, starting at a very young age * They expect you to care about their feelings, while they make constant excuses to not care about your feelings (and in fact, it is obvious that they do not care about your feelings at all if you have abusive parents) * They expect you to care about their thoughts, while making it clear that they do not care about your thoughts, learning experiences and beliefs. * They try to talk you out of anything that is an autonomous decision. If you do make an autonomous decision, they shame you or punish you. * They insist that you don't get married, or that you don't need to get married (i.e. they try to control you so that you are not autonomous from them, or having children of your own, and are serving them). * They infantilize you first to keep you at home for their entire lives in order that you will take care of them later in life (infantilization turning into parentification: this actually does not happen in the way they want it to). * They expect you to be a parent figure for your siblings * As an adult, they compare you negatively to your siblings, and use cartoon characters or children's book stories to explain why you are "less than" your sibling as a way to get you to do more for them (i.e. to get you into a parentifying state of mind). * If you are not in service to your parents in the way that they want and like (i.e. they expect perfectionism from you in deeds, looks and thoughts), you are either ostracized, degraded, demeaned, insulted or some other threat or sanction. Parentification is typical in alcoholic homes where the parents are so inebriated that they put unreasonable and inappropriate demands on children that are not fitting for their age or development. On the other hand, narcissists and sociopaths groom children too, but the difference is that children are inappropriately controlled by the parent figure. They also expect children to walk on eggshells around parental rages and disapprovals (which either manifest as shouting and threats with verbal abuse, or passive aggressive shaming with tactics like the silent treatment -- both are bullying tactics). Both styles of parenting are detrimental to the well being of the child. Abusive parents often punish you if you cannot be parentified, or are unwilling to be parentified. Note: parents who parentify their children often infantilize them first (or use parentification in tandem with infantilization). They try to sanction you or blackmail you if you do not go along with their false narratives A false narrative is rewriting history, retelling history in such a way that it is false, retelling events in such a way where they are heroes (when the opposite is true), retelling events that "protects" their image. In other words, it is falsifying for the sake of an agenda. Narcissists and sociopaths tend to spin a lot of false narratives and try to pass them off as the truth with all kinds of explanations, defenses and word salad. Child AND adult "punishments" tend to be severe if you do not go along with the parental false narrative. The severity of the sanction or "punishment" depends on where they are on the spectrum of their Cluster B disorder. Borderlines tend to be on the milder side, narcissists tend to be in the mid-range and sociopaths (antisocial personality disorder) tend to be on the extreme side. In other words, the sanctions and "punishments" will be more severe if your parent is a sociopath than a borderline. Narcissists tend to develop a fixed narrative about their children when their children are pre-verbal. Children of narcissists tend to be put into roles, including a scapegoat role and a golden child role. These roles do not change because the parent decides very early on who of the children is ALWAYS right, and who of the children is ALWAYS wrong (based upon the narc parent's own black and white thinking). In other words the black and white rigid thinking determines how the children are to be treated and disciplined. Sociopaths do the same thing except to more of an extreme. Their "punishments" also tend towards the illegal too. If you listen to them carefully, most sociopaths have at least the fantasies (if not the actual carry-through) of torturing children and adult children with false imprisonment, tying someone up, tying someone's hands behind their back, tying them to a post, leaving their child in a locked room with only a blanket and a bucket to pee in (a real live case I have been following and made a comment on), of wanting their child to be destitute or homeless, or locking them up somewhere, anywhere, where their child is a virtual prisoner. The false narrative exists because narcissistic parents care about their reputations more than anything else in the world, and will do just about anything to protect their reputations (so that they can garner narcissistic supply from unsuspecting moral or high society people). Sociopaths care about getting away with cruel acts without being detected or held accountable. They are unwilling to change their false narratives (and threaten, sanction and punish) in order to keep the false narratives from being changed. Some examples of false narratives with "punishments": * A young girl is molested by her uncle. Her mother who is the sister to the uncle believes her daughter is evil (and probably assigned a scapegoat role). The mother's false narrative is that the molestation never happened, that her daughter is making it up to get attention, except eventually it becomes clear, after years, that she is not making it up. That is because a video surfaces. In order for the mother not to ruin her own reputation at being wrong, she tells her daughter over and over again that her daughter caused the molestation. In addition, the daughter is "punished" by locking her in a room for "being evil" and "sexualizing herself towards MY own brother"! This is mainly done to keep the daughter quiet about the abuse too, so as not to wreck the mother's reputation. Do you think this doesn't happen? The forums for survivors of child abuse are full of these stories. * A young girl is beaten repeatedly by her brother. When brother or sister ask for the parent to intervene, the girl is punished because "We brought him up to be nice. Why would you ever say that about your brother? He would never do that to you! So you must be at fault!" The girl is punished by being sent to her room. If she protests the "wise parent's" decision, her toys are either broken, thrown away, given away, or given to her brother. This is a typical scapegoating situation that happens to just about all scapegoated abused children brought up by narcissists. They try to isolate you from the family, or they try to keep you from forming attachments with other family members or they have "issues" with the idea of you being attached to people besides them (including getting married) Since narcissists are very insecure and manipulative, they don't enjoy your attachments to others, and they certainly do not want you making decisions on your own about who you will attach yourself to (they are control freaks, and often want to know about every conversation, every detail of your love life in order to feel indispensable to you as "the expert adviser" on every aspect of your relationship(s) ... and, when their advice is not taken, or when they feel upstaged, then they generally try to retaliate). One of the relationships that almost all narcissists try to effect is the sibling relationship. Many siblings from abusive narcissistic homes become estranged, whereas from normal families they are very close, often closer to each other than to their common parents. There are many reasons why the sibling relationship is destroyed in narcissistic families: favoritism, roles, triangulation, gossiping about one peer to the other in a derisive way, gang bullying (scapegoating) and enmeshment with one of the siblings (the parent putting preference on the parent/child relationship rather than the sibling relationship -- see my post on Jon Benet Ramsey's story). They also are known to tell one sibling that if he or she contacts the other sibling, then they will destroy the relationship between them (i.e. between the parent and their child ... the child, therefore, is pressured to choose between the parents and his sibling). I have been on enough survivor forums over the years to notice that anyone with a narcissistic mother has a nightmare wedding (for the most part). The narc mother either wants to meddle in their child's wedding, or they have a snit and do not attend, or give "poison presents", or get wildly drunk, or show up with a wild "costume" to bring attention on themselves, or insist on controlling the guest list, or mouth off many threats and verbal abuses -- all to upstage their child's wedding. Weddings seem, especially, to set off narcissists, and never in a good way. Some survivors have seen their siblings' weddings destroyed first, and decide not to invite their narc Mom to theirs. This, of course, sets off another torrent of smear campaigns, silent treatments, guilt trips, and shaming sessions. I asked a self-proclaimed narcissist in this interview (at the end) about why narcissists love to ruin their child's wedding. His brief explanation was: "They can't stand their child belonging to someone else. They thought the child was all theirs." Whether you invite your narc Mom to your wedding, or not, there seems to be no way of having a wedding that is peaceful and joyous. They run smear campaigns against you or one of your siblings Smear campaigns are covered in this post. If there are silent treatments, retaliatory parenting, and many other signs of abusive parenting, expect the smear campaign to be used on you, and for you to be dis-invited to family events or not invited at all. They are physically abusive Abusive fathers usually shove, throw and punch. Abusive mothers usually slap or smack (mostly across the face or head). In the 1930s - 1960s, some mothers and fathers asked their child to cut off a switch from a tree so that the parent could use the switch for whipping and beating the child. Today it is not so common because parents risk losing their children to social services and foster families (it was regarded as extreme child abuse by the 1970s and 1980s). Laws are still being refined, and they depend on your country. Generally, in the USA, depending on the state and county, any kind of physical abuse that leaves a mark, redness or black and blue on the skin is regarded as physical abuse and the parent is at risk of losing the child. However, because abuse is a pattern of behavior, being hit often, or slapped often, is a sign of physical abuse. The parents are not working things out with their children, so resort to some form of violence as a means of control. Great Britain has much better child abuse laws than the USA at the present time. Even so, the going trend among psychologists and therapists in the USA is that there is no reason why children should be hit or spanked at all, that it often does more damage than good. Here is one take on it from Richard Zwolinski, LMHC, CASAC & C.R. Zwolinski. They are either sexually abusive, or they didn't respond to sexual abuse in a way that would keep you safe from harm (i.e. they do not react appropriately if you are sexually abused or raped: their attitudes are lax) If your parent's attitude is lax or neglectful over you getting raped or sexually abused, this is another sign of narcissistic or sociopathic parenting. Sometimes alcoholic parents do not respond appropriately to traumatic events like this either (this is because their main concern is drinking ... they are also forgetful from black-outs). If you were under the age of 18 and your parents knew of you being sexually abused, what kinds of steps did they take to keep you safe, to keep other children safe, and to make the offender accountable? Note: normal parents talk to a police investigator. If you were over the age of 18 at the time of a sexual assault or rape, how did your parent react? Did they try to help you, or did they blame you for your choice of clothes, for how you looked? Did they blame your other parent? Did they say things like "You had it coming!" or "That was your (other parent's) responsibility"? Did they try to get you help in the way of counseling, gynecological care, police involvement? Or did they, in their self aggrandized way, insist that you were safe because they tried to make sure you were safe (even when it did not work in providing safety). Or were they neglectful? For instance, did they tell you that you should work it out on your own, that they are sorry but they booked a flight to a resort and they can only deal with it when they get back, or "it's your problem to deal with"? Lack of concern, lack of empathy, putting the blame on others, making a child feel responsible for the abuse done to them, is a definite sign of abusive or neglectful parenting. Your parent puts on a mask in public and pretends to love, care for, and admire his or her children when it is clear they do not in private Narcissistic and sociopathic parents have their public face and their private face and they drastically differ. The only time they might not differ is when their child or spouse is in the public eye, so the public face is worn a little more often to avoid being exposed and derided. In forums for survivors it is not uncommon to hear the following story (which is often referred to as "the bitch switch", for lack of a better term, but it is actually a form of psychological splitting): A mother takes her daughter to a public event. On the way to the event she tells her daughter, "I wish you were never born!", "I hate your guts!", "I wish someday you would just decide to jump in a river and drown and do all of us a favor!", "I can't stand the sight of you!" Then when they get to the event the mother switches it all off in front of an audience and says the exact opposite: "My daughter is so talented!", "We love our daughter! We adore her! We love her just the way she is!", "Yes, she's exceptional! Thank you! And I'm sure she appreciates all of the attention too", and so on. Thus the term "bitch switch". This is just one instance of the drastic changes from private face to public face which most narcissists and sociopaths do. It is a Jekyll and Hyde thing. Rejects you or has a tantrum at the worst time of your life (perhaps to try to form a trauma bond with you) Narcissists and sociopaths tend to terrorize their children when they are on their knees with tragedies or life altering events such as being diagnosed with a terminal illness or the death of a close family member. Narcissists primarily use it in order to get attention on them instead of on the issue you are dealing with (because most of them are pathologically envious of anything that takes your attention away from them). They also do it to try to leverage even more control than they had before (trauma bonding again). They may assume that the child might or will need some sort of help, so they reject or insult the child to see if the child will still run after them. If the child runs after them, then they feel they can comfortably call the shots in the relationship (i.e. gain more power and control). Some narcissists become frightened of their child's needs (because they are so self centered and are not good at maintaining a healthy relationship), so they reject their child on that basis. Many narcissists take off and abandon after the child makes a suicide attempt, or is going through major surgery, or is diagnosed with cancer, or is traumatized by the death of the other parent or their child. Trauma bonding basically boils down to "I can treat you as badly as I want to because you need something from me." Ultimately it poisons the relationship even if, in the short term, the narcissist gets what he wants from the situation initially. Trauma bonding is a relationship killer. In other words, trauma bonding is a relationship with a parent where a power imbalance is in place, and the narcissist uses the power he or she possesses to wield over their child to gain more and more control over his or her child. It is meant, in the end, to get the child to bend to the will of the parent over any degradation. It often doesn't work in the way the narcissistic or sociopathic parent wanted because the child will remember the pain first, and how the parent responded to the pain. Minimal caring is given in trauma bonding, and only after the narcissistic parent has his or her needs met first. There is also a constant threat that love and empathy will be withdrawn at any time, and at any moment, during the child's traumatic time. Sociopaths, on the other hand, love to see their child's heart break after a traumatic event because they are sadists. They will find some excuse for why they withdrew from their child at such a time. Since they are devoid of empathy, and love to extort, they become energized at the thought of causing pain to their child. They also use the opportunity to try to extort IOUs, especially during their child's most traumatic experiences. "She (or he) had it coming to them" kinds of statements, smear campaigns to make it look like the child is making up the tragedy or illness, and trying to make their child focus on what is owed to the parent rather than on what the child is enduring, becomes the sociopath's agenda. Trying to get a further rise out of their children (anger, grief) is typical sociopathic behavior. They use the Last Will and Testament as a Weapon Unlike normal parents who set aside money for their children in equal amounts, narcissists use the Last Will and Testament to reward and punish. Often the rewards and punishments have to do with these issues: * Whether you gave them enough narcissistic supply * Whether you were willing to go along with their false narratives and lies * How much you were willing to go along with how they viewed you * How much of your time and esteem was given up for the other parent for their benefit * How much you favored your narcissistic parent over your other parent * How much you tolerated your other parent being derided by your narcissistic parent * How much you derided your other parent to make them feel better and whether you allowed them to interfere in your relationship with your other parent in whole or in part * How much you put them first place in your life (above your spouse, children, other parent, siblings and other family members) * How much you let them dominate you and all of your decisions * How much you "gave" them * How much you lied for them or held up their false self, and whether you approved of their false self * How quiet you kept about their immoral or sketchy dealings * How much you tie your self esteem to their opinions of you (they'll probably rage if you don't) * How much you allowed them to interfere in your relationships, such as: - "Don't talk to her or him!" (commands made by your narcissistic parent) - Letting them decide guest lists (weddings, funerals, parties, vacations, holidays) - Letting them decide on the hierarchy of every family member, and who should be favored over whom - Letting them decide how you should act and what you should say to other family members - Letting them decide which family members you are allowed to have in your life and which ones you are not to have in your life, who you are allowed to speak to, who you are not allowed to speak to, what you are allowed to reveal and not reveal - Letting them decide how much you need to be dominated and told what to do when it comes to your other relationships * How much you were willing to allow them to interfere in your career (in whole or in part) * How much or how little of their advice or commands you followed * How much you were willing to accept abuse * How much you were willing to go along with the role they assigned you Note: if you were assigned a scapegoat role, you usually don't want to be in that role, and often the only way to get out of the role is to leave. So the scapegoat role has a double bind: you are punished if you stay (because everything "wrong" that happens in the family you are blamed for and punished for, and if you leave, you are punished for that too because you are rebelling against the role that the narcissist put you in). Since narcissists feel "right" in everything they do, are exceptionally poor at self reflection, think of people as either all good and all bad, and do not have the empathy to care about you and how the scapegoating is effecting you, it means you cannot win whether in the role or out of the role, at least with them. Scapegoats generally get left out of the Will whether they are the main caretaker and ass kisser or whether they are living outside the family. There are exceptions to this sometimes, but the exceptions are the rarity. They practice some or all of the abuses above with or without apologizing ... they paint themselves as all good and you (or one of your siblings) as all bad in their family stories. Narcissists and sociopaths rarely apologize unless they feel they absolutely have to, to save face. Notice I said "to save face". Some of the other reasons for apologies are: * to see if you can be conned into another round of idealize, devalue and discard * to see if you will take them back after they have treated you horribly (to see how far they can abuse you and still be forgiven by you) * to spy on you to see how much destruction they have caused to you and your life * to get their grandchildren back (to triangulate with in order to abuse you through your own children -- yes, it happens frequently) * to get a sense if their threats against you are working to keep you quiet about the abuse, or to re-mediate the situation before you expose them * to use it as a Trojan Horse (i.e. to retaliate against you in the guise of feeling sorry and wanting to love you again) * to see what your reactions are, to get attention from you * to see if they can talk you into things the way they used to do * to see if they are able to control you, how much they can control you, what kinds of control they can exert on you again, to see if there is anything left that they can control in your life. * to see if you will accept any of their abuse, or excuses for abuse They have ostracized you or given you the silent treatment, but grill other family members about how you are doing in the guise of caring about you This is typical behavior of abusive parents. They do go on and on and on to others about how much they love you and value you, and that they want to make sure that you are okay (in the guise that they care so much about you). But most often it is to send in family spies that they can grill for information about you and finding out about the extent of the damage they did to you, to your psychological well being, and to your life. Don't be a flying monkey to a parent who is estranged from his or her child! If they want to know what is going on with their child, make them responsible for finding out! If the parent has been served with a restraining order, there are reasons why offering information should be off-limits. They seem like they expect you to think that abuse is perfectly normal and that you should take it without complaint This is called normalizing. Narcissists and sociopaths always try to place the blame on others when things go wrong, which is the precursor to abuse. That means that there will always be a lot of injustice in homes headed by a narcissist or sociopath. Since they decide where blame and punishment should go (often over very little or no evidence), it means that their child will be burdened with a lot of injustice and trauma. Phrases where abuse is normalized: * If it is between siblings: "He didn't hurt you; you hurt him!" -- this phrase should never be used, and unless a parent has ironclad proof, it will cause trauma to the child who has gone to the parent for protection. * "I know you! You're always at fault! You are the trouble-maker!" -- this is a typical scapegoating phrase where the scapegoat is expected to endure abuse because the parents have deemed the character of the child to be bad -- so wrong. * "You had it coming from goading him!" The child answers, "But I didn't goad him! He's getting out of control with the punching and threats!" Parent answers "I don't want to hear any more of it!" or "I don't want to hear any more of your problems!" -- again, this just helps the out-of-control person hitting the child escalate abuse. The parent is also condoning the abuse with the phrase "You had it coming ..." Abuse should never be justified under any circumstance at all. * "If you can't behave yourself, you deserve it!" -- similar to the one above. * "I can't believe she is so violent! What did you do to deserve it?" * "Siblings always fight!" -- not an excuse for abuse -- so wrong. * "Your getting hit is not my problem to deal with! It's yours!" * "If you can't grin and bear it, maybe you need to get out of the family!" * "I'm not going to hear about your uncle sexually abusing you! You have no right to say that! You need to apologize to him NOW!" * "You're a bad child! You deserve to be hit!", or isolated, or given the silent treatment, or any other form of abuse that is about arm-twisting the child to accept bullying and abuse because of a demeaning, false, parental label (unless children have been mercilessly abused by a parent, they want to please a parent). * "No one likes you! I, personally can't stand the sight of you! And I'm certainly not going to stand around listening to you talk about how you have been abused!" -- very damaging! For more on this subject, see my post, Forgiving abusers: the "You're better than that" family culture that expects victims of familial abuse to make up with their abuser When you were under the age of 12, did you think about suicide or running away with any consistency? Did you cry a lot, were you depressed or anxious a lot? Did you under-perform in school? How did your parents react? With concern or without concern? Thinking about or talking about suicide: If your parent reacted with concern, brought you to a mental health practitioner, asked what they could do to make your life and state of mind better (without any of the other abusive signs above), then this is normal parenting. If they were flippant or unconcerned, then this is generally termed child neglect. Some of the phrases abusive parents use when their child talks about suicide: "Good! Then I don't have to take care of YOU any more!" "Bwahahahaha! You would never do that! I know a liar when I see one!" "Good! Then I don't have to see your little face again, or hear you caterwauling!" "I don't care how you feel! If you don't like it, lump it!" "If you kill yourself, I'm not going to be sorry about it! I'm not going to suffer at all! But you will! You'll burn in Hell forever!" "Bwahahaha! What are you going to do? Put a bag over your little ugly face and kiss your ass goodbye?" Any phrase that shows a lack of empathy for your plight. Thinking about or talking about running away: If your parent reacted with concern, asked you to talk about why you want to run away, what is turning your feelings and thoughts towards leaving home and putting yourself at risk of the elements (without any of the other abusive signs above), then this is normal parenting. If they were flippant or unconcerned, then again, this is a sign of child neglect. Some of the phrases abusive parents use when their child talks about running away: "Bwahahaha! Don't forget your toothbrush and some P.J.s!" "Good! Why don't you run far, far away? Let the bears eat you for all I care!" "Good! I can't stand the sight of you any way!" "Maybe you need to run away just so you know that you have good parents!" "How dare you say that after all I have done for you! If you run away, you'll be confined to your room for months! And you won't be allowed out for any reason! Don't say I didn't warn you!" "I could care less what you do! Don't talk to me about it!" Any phrase that shows a lack of empathy for your plight. You cried or were depressed a lot: Normal parents know that a child crying a lot, or who is withdrawn and depressed a lot, is not a normal way for a child to behave, and will try to get to the bottom of it. If they promise the child comfort (especially if they do not have any of the abusive traits and signs above and can gain the child's trust), they can usually get to the bottom of what is bothering the child, they can also get relief for the pain that their child is enduring. Disordered parents, however, are so self involved that they put the blame for the crying on the child: "My child is always depressed. That's just the way he (or she) is", or "My child cries a lot. And she (or he) drives me nuts with it. But what can I do? I just have to endure it until he (or she) calms down." One of the reasons why depressed and sad children cannot talk to a disordered parent is because disordered parents twist events and feelings. Sometimes they make their children feel guilty if they were a victim of abuse by a family member or bullying at school. This, of course, makes a child feel much worse, so the parent will have a child who cannot talk about why he or she is sad or crying. This is also a sign of child neglect. Children who cry in a grocery store when Mom or Dad won't buy them a toy is one thing. Children who cry by themselves in their room is another thing. Typical non-empathetic phrasing from narcissistic and sociopathic parents include: "Stop your caterwauling! I don't want to hear about it! Grow up!" "If you cry one more time, you're going to get it!" "Okay, I've heard about enough crying out of you! If you're going to keep crying like that, then you'll be punished! Is that what you want?!" "I really don't care! I don't care! You have nothing to gain from all of this crying! Shut up!!!" "If you keep crying, I'll give you something to REALLY cry about!" "If you can't stop crying, you won't be coming with the family to the amusement park and the ice cream parlor afterward! You can stay home all day and all night and keep crying!" "Shut the hell up! Don't you have any consideration for the rest of us! Just stop crying NOW!" "You'll do anything to ruin the peace around here, won't you!?" "You wanna cry? I killed your kitten! Now you really have something to cry about!" -- more likely with sociopathic parents You were anxious, spacey or preoccupied in school to the point where you had learning disabilities: This is a sign of childhood PTSD (or C-PTSD), which is what children who are exposed to abuse or trauma-related episodes go through. It is called amygdala hijacking. You cannot learn when your brain is in fight or flight mode, frozen from fear, or preoccupied with keeping safe. Typical non-empathetic phrasing from narcissistic and sociopathic parents include: "You really are stupid!" "If you can't pass your tests, you're going to stay back another grade! Is that what you WANT?" "You're an embarrassment! Such a stupid kid!" "How come all of your sisters and brothers can do well in school and you can't?" "What's the matter with you!? I helped you study for that test, and now you're showing me a D? I have had it up to here! Do you hear? I just give up on you! You didn't even try and this grade shows it! I guess you'll never amount to anything!" "I'm so disgusted with you! If you're going to be stupid, you'll just work at Wooly-bear-marts in the toy section for the rest of your life!" "No one likes you! You're just stupid!" "Duuuuhhhhh!" "Retard! Weirdo!" They let you be abused, or they excuse the abuse, or they punish you or ostracize you if you are abused by a family member Note: this part of the post will have a lot of similarities and redundancies to "the false narrative" part of the post above. When you take a look at survivor forums, it is quite common to be ostracized when you are the victim of the abuse of a family member. For instance we'll take the classic story that shows up in forum after forum: Let us say you have an alcoholic Dad or stepdad or uncle who is sneaking into your bedroom some nights, really drunk, and demanding sex (incest). You tell your narcissistic Mom, hoping she will protect you, but instead of focusing on how traumatic this is for you, she doesn't want to hear another word and demands you apologize right away to her and to your Dad or stepdad. She also states: "How dare you insinuate that about your own father (or stepfather)! You little tramp! Maybe you were trying to seduce him!" Narcissistic Moms make snap judgments without research, they think people lie about sexual abuse (because many of them lie and pretend to be victims themselves: it is projection on their part). Many of these situations end up where parent and child are totally estranged. If the estrangement does not come right away, it usually does when the survivor has her (or his) own children and doesn't want those children exposed to the "condoned family practice of incest". One of the reasons why narcissists DO get married to incestuous or child abusing men is because sociopaths and other cluster B personality disordered people are attracted to each other. They lie for each other; they work in tandem to punish other adults; they extort together. The other common one is golden child abuse (note half of golden children become ultra-empaths; the other half become bullies): Let us say that your parent consistently favors one of your siblings. They use one of your siblings to discipline the other siblings, or gang up on you. If you do something they deem "not perfect enough", or express emotion for being hurt, you are punished, and the golden child is told not to let you out of your room, or some other sanction. In other words, your sibling is used to discipline you, becoming another "parental figure." Obviously this will cause sibling estrangement (it is a divide and conquer strategy from the parent because narcissistic and sociopathic parents do not want their children to be close; they want them competing for parental love). The other golden child abuse goes like this: The golden child constantly beats up the scapegoat of the family. When the scapegoat complains or cries, he (or she) gets further abuse from the parent because the parent has deemed the scapegoat to be showing up the bad parenting. They deem the scapegoat to always be wrong, and the golden child to always be right in every altercation between the two children. So the victimization of the scapegoat goes unchecked. The black and white thinking of the parent is called splitting and is typical of narcissists and sociopaths and NOT typical at all of normal parents. The reason why these situations happen so readily in a family headed by a narcissist is because narcissists primarily live for themselves. Their reputations come absolutely first and front-center. They don't care who is being hurt so long as it does not touch their reputation. The reason why these situations happen in a family headed by a sociopath is because sociopaths live to punish others, as they get satisfaction from it, even if they have to do so by proxy. They scheme punishments and retaliations against their own children constantly. They use the disappearance and destruction of toys and pets as a way to further punish. They want absolute control over every aspect of their children's lives. If your parent uses some or a majority of these tactics They aren't a real parent in any normal sense of the word. Sometimes we have to accept that they are not out to help us; they are out to hurt us. Giving birth does not equate to empathy and caring for children. It does not necessarily equate to a healthy relationship either. You have to make the choice of whether your constitution can take your parent's abuse of you (most people, over the long term, cannot withstand it, especially when they have been through a number of cycles of abuse and can no longer believe in the honeymoon stage). Also, abuse escalates. If you are an adult, and you want to make steps to disengage from your parents, you may want to visit a domestic violence center. They will also be able to assess how dangerous the situation is, find you counseling, get you connected so you are not experiencing it alone, and in general, get you help. If you are under age, asking to talk to the school psychologist at your school or calling a domestic violence center usually helps to get you on a healthier track. Remember: parents who abuse their children are not healthy. Their abuse of you has nothing to do with you; it is their dysfunctional way of coping and most likely learned from their own parents. Also remember: if you go to a domestic violence center, and bring to light and expose the abusiveness of your parent, it puts the family in crisis and the abuse can no longer be ignored or excused. There will be members who are opposed to what you are doing (perhaps because they have a lot to gain from the present system), and who denounce you as a troublemaker, but even they will eventually be challenged to look at the situation for what it is. Scapegoats are often whistleblowers and canaries-in-the-coal mine within their families; taking it outside of the family is the natural progression when they have been told to put up and shut up for so long. From my own experience: Narcissists and sociopaths can act like normal parents for a long time. As long as you are, more or less, going along with what they expect you to do, going along with their views on everything, accepting blame even when it doesn't belong to you, and talking in the way they want you to talk, and at least going along with perceiving things the way they want you to perceive things, they can seem as sweet to you as any other parents. They can even seem exceptionally normal as grandparents too. They can shower you with affection and gifts. They can appear to love and adore you just like any normal parent. But ... there are ways they won't be normal. They will give too much advice, pump you constantly to the point of claustrophobia for information about all aspects of your life, which can include questions about your sexual life. They will deny that they ever hurt you (insisting that you hurt yourself, which will make some pain hard to heal and fester for a long time). They will want to know what your relationships are like with other people and give you constant advice on how to act towards those other people. They will tell you that your decision making is flawed in some way constantly, even if ever so slightly (gaslighting). They will lecture you (in an overtly haughty manner, or an ever so slightly arrogant manner, lowering the voice, or raising it in a flippant aire). They will show signs that they "will take care of you" if only you give up your career ambitions, or your job, or some other thing that is about getting you into a co-dependent role -- they will seem to want to be enmeshed with you, all without revealing much about themselves (for covert narcissists) or reveal their problems and issues too much, and make sure the conversation always turns back to them and how wonderful they are (the TMI type -- for overt narcissists). They also will react very badly to criticism (giving silent treatments or deflecting blame -- it will be obvious to you that they will want to be praised no matter what they do or what they say). And there will be a huge range of subjects that you cannot talk to them about to get resolution. If you were gaslighted or scapegoated by your parent in childhood, my advice is not to let your guard down, ever, and certainly do not allow for any enmeshment (i.e. allowing them to manipulate your decision-making so that you are co-dependent or trauma bonded to your parent -- narcissistic parents will NOT do what is best for you; they will always do what they think is best for them, and scapegoating is one of the things they do for them). If they have used gaslighting, scapegoating, silent treatments and word salad arguments before, these tactics may be dormant, but they are ALL likely still there. Covert narcissists who have loved bombed back their children and seem to be repentant and sorry for their past "mistakes", can, and do, use old tactics again. They are not good at keeping promises or of rehabilitating themselves. They tend to fall back eventually on "It is ALL your fault" strategies when they are caught at immoral underhanded behavior again. When you are going through hard times, formerly abusive parents will suddenly start to be abusive again. They discard, blackmail, extort, stonewall and break promises to their children when their children are going through the worst tragedies of their lives (and not kidding about that). The last thing you need when you are going through a hugely challenging time is extortion, blackmail, gaslighting, discards, your parent hitting you up for an IOU, having to please an impossible-to-please parent, and ever more trauma, from someone who has, up until then, professed their undying love and devotion ... so, this is why it is always important to set boundaries and distance which is much more firm than other types of people in your life. The focus needs to be on you, and your recovery, when you are going through extremely difficult and tragic times ... Also, a relationship is not normal where you are expected to keep things uncontroversial for them at all times, to accept altered versions of the truth for their comfort, and provide peace for them, while sacrificing your own. This never bodes well for a relationship of longevity. There will be a time when you cannot accept a demand, or extortion, or an abuse. That is because narcissists and sociopaths escalate at pressing your buttons and trying to make you uncomfortable. You can feel that you have lost years of your life trying to placate a parent that can never be placated, can never have enough power or control, can never alter stories enough to their liking, can never have enough drama in their lives (i.e. making people suffer over their temper tantrums, and through their blackmail and extortion). further reading: Is "No Contact" a Brainwashing of Masses of Adult Children to Hurt Their Parents? -- my own post (please feel free to join the discussion) How to Tell if Your Parents are Abusive -- a WikiHow article (the question and answer section is also worthwhile) How to Deal with Abusive Parents -- a WikiHow article (the question and answer section is also worthwhile -- many are children asking for help) How to Protect Yourself From Violent Parents -- a WikiHow article (the question and answer section is also worthwhile) How to Deal with an Abusive Father -- a WikiHow article How to Cope with a Controlling Parent -- a WikiHow article How to Forgive an Abusive Parent -- a WikiHow article (note: forgiveness is not necessary: it is up to you) How to Reconcile With a Rehabilitated Abusive Parent -- a WikiHow article Some videos I hand-picked that show child abuse Why You Didn't Get What You Needed From Narcissistic Parents -- by Mark Zaslav, Ph.D. for Psychology Today An excerpt as to why you can't get narcissistic parents to acknowledge the pain and damage they caused you (hint: it is because their main focus in life is to self-aggrandize and seek others who will aggrandize them): It is important to note that even if your parents are living and sound of mind, they will likely be of little assistance. Having paid scant attention to your needs, they will produce a highly distorted picture of events, if they even remember them. Therefore, this is where the support of a competent, experienced therapist can be of great value as you identify and confront your actual history of trauma and neglect. It will probably be necessary for you to relinquish any expectation that your parents will acknowledge any part in your difficulties or change their behavior in any appreciable way. Owing to their need to distort or disavow deflating truths and to turn away from honest self-evaluation (Peck, 1983), their version of events will be dramatically different from your own. But healing will inhere as you begin to dissent from internalized parental invalidation and take ownership of difficulties developed in response to very real childhood neglect. 6 Signs of Controlling Parenting and Why It Is Harmful -- by Darius Cikanavicius for Psych Central 4 Reasons Why Controlling Parenting Doesn’t Work -- by Darius Cikanavicius for Psych Central 4 Effects of a Controlling Upbringing People Struggle With -- by Darius Cikanavicius for Psych Central excerpt: In the previous articles we talked about the signs of controlling parenting and why it doesn’t work in terms of raising a healthy, happy, self-sufficient individual. Today, we will look at the common problems people raised in a controlling environment have as adults. If you have been raised in a controlling environment or know somebody who has, you may recognize some of the signs described below. How to Tell if Your Parents Are Abusive -- a Wiki article discusses everything from physical abuse to emotional abuse How to Recognize Abusive Parents -- from the No Bullying website Child Abuse and Neglect: How to Spot the Signs and Make a Difference -- a HelpGuide article 7 Types of Parental Abuse -- by Christine Hammond, MS, LMHC for Psych Central I Am Permanently Estranged From My Toxic Mother, But I’m Still Sad We Aren’t Close -- by an anonymous writer about her experiences with a shaming and insulting mother. Written for the Scary Mommy website Child Abuse Can Increase Risk of Adolescent Misbehavior -- by Rick Nauert PhD Unquestionable Uberparenting: The essential manual for aspiring narcissists who want to take their parenting to the next level, as befits their infallible special status and god-given rights. -- a satire blog on atrocious parenting. Parents That Bully Children and Others -- from the Bullying Statistics website Stop Bullies: Especially Toxic Parents -- from the Bullies Be Gone website For Adult Survivors of Child Abuse -- from The Invisible Scar website Abusive parents who try to shift blame may face tougher sentences -- from the Guardian, a UK publication, on the ever-changing for-the-better child abuse laws Narcissists Hate Seeing You Happy - by Darius Cikanavicius for Psych Central I Was Complicit in My Own Narcissistic Abuse -- by Lenora Thompson This post talks about a survivor who is complicit in punishing herself for not being perfect for her narcissistic parents. 11 Things NOT To Do With Narcissists -- by Dan Neuharth, PhD MFT Narcissistic Parents Are Literally Incapable Of Loving Their Children -- by Joanna McClanahan for Scary Mommy website The Narcissistic Personality: How They Think -- by Joe Navarro, M.A. for Psychology Today Narcissistic Personality Disorder and the Antisocial Personality Disorder -- A Lot in Common -- by Stanton E. Samenow, Ph.D. for Psychology Today Narcissists Already Know What You Think of Them, But Do They Care? -- by David D. Salvo for Psychology Today 11 Struggles Children With Abusive Parents Go Through -- from Witty Feed website Excerpt from the article: Children are the gift of God! But is every child treated like one? The abusive environment at home makes the child toneless, expressionless and dull. Parents mean the world to children. Everything else is a second priority for them, but when such things happen at home, they start becoming monotonous and depressed. Their innocence is being murdered ruthlessly by their parents. For Kids, Mental Abuse Can Be Worse than Sexual, Physical Abuse -- by Rick Nauert PhD, for Psych Central How to help your children when their other parent is a narcissist -- by Sharie Stines, Psy.D, for Psych Central When Parents and Children Are Estranged -- by Janet Singer for Psych Central 8 Toxic Ways Narcissistic Mothers Emotionally Abuse Their Children -- by Shahida Arabi for Psych Central Narcissists and Children -- my own post Sociopaths and Children -- my own post found on facebook: found on The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services (Children's Bureau) website: found on Pinterest: found on Pinterest: Found on I'd Rather Be Alone Than With a Lying Cheater's facebook page: A quote from Tina Fuller: A video featuring Dr. Ramani Durvasula on Med Circle, Narcissism in a Parent [The Signs You Need to Know]:

My parent is meddling in my life. My parent is making me feel guilty constantly. My parent is too involved in my life. My parent is still relying on me for things they should do on their own. If you’ve ever had any of these thoughts, you’re not alone. These days, it is common to...Read More

Codependency is a complex issue, like a tree with many branches. Though there are several definitions out there, here’s a simple version. Codependency happens when you lose yourself by focusing on others at your own expense. Seeking approval becomes more important than self-care.

Have you ever felt like you were “walking on eggshells” or “waiting for the next bad thing to happen”? Are you always “going the extra mile” and doing everything you can possibly do to help avoid something bad happening? This is called being hypervigilant. Unfortunately, it is something many adult children of alcoholics experience every...Read More

Wish everyone thought this way! Your loss! ✌ #Parenthood 💙

I believe that there is no better bully prevention for kids than being a part of a dedicated, supportive traditional Okinawan karate dojo, such as East Valley Martial Arts. Over many years, I have seen our child students successfully put on the armor of confidence, respect, humbleness and pride. Not to mention fighting spirit. These…

Ironically, many children raised in wealth demonstrate the same tendencies as those who are raised in extreme poverty: depression, despair, attempted suicide, drug and alcohol use, and shoplifting. Why this behavior? The parents, who are way too busy making money, sacrifice meaningful time with their children.

name of art: "Stop Workplace Bullying" image is © 2016 by Lise Winne watercolor and graphics (for questions regarding use of images contact LilacGroveGraphics (att) yahoo.com) poster dedicated to Joyce Decker Please note: bullying is not a "relationship issue" or "relationship problem". It is an aggressive campaign against another person to disable them or destroy them. Disabling can mean disabling their self esteem, socially through bigotry or ostracism, emotionally by making them feel sad and isolated, and so much more. Please refer to this blog post to learn more. Competition baiting" is one person (usually a bully) baiting someone else (usually a target/victim) to compete with him. Instances of competition baiting include: * "I always do more than you; you hardly do anything." * "They like me better than they like you" * "They agree with me more than they agree with you" * "They think I work harder than you work" * "I have sweated on this project while you have done nothing, nothing at all, to make this a better project" * taking your "project" or "assignment" over as a way to compete with you * "I'd like you to write down all you have done, and I'll do the same and we'll see who has done more!" * attempting to take control of a project so that you won't * attempting to look superior to others by aggrandizing what they do and discounting what their target does * pointing a finger at the "competition" in order to make the target "seem at fault" * always lowering their prices compared to their target's prices to get an economic advantage over their targets * making or selling the same products without creative input to differentiate * taking ideas and claiming them as their own Competition baiting is often bullying and abuse when it happens between siblings or between co-workers, particularly if there is verbal abuse and berating going on in tandem with it. See my post on verbal abuse to get a better understanding or check the links at the end of this post to get a better understanding of what verbal abuse is in a workplace setting (basically anything that is raging and berating). Most competition baiting is also full of erroneous blaming where discounting or devaluing a target's contributions come from made up allegations, sometimes with a tiny bit of truth to them. People who abuse and bully usually have personality disorders. Most abuse and bullying is perpetrated by people with cluster B personality disorders: Borderline Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Antisocial Personality Disorder. Sometimes active alcoholics have traits like people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I discuss in this post who are the typical perpetrators of abuse and how they act, and who victims tend to be and how they act. Do not buy into the "You brought this upon yourself" phrasing that bullies are notorious for. You did not "provoke" their rage. If you have interpersonal issues with a co-worker, please understand that it is not normal for that co-worker to rage at you, swear, insult, devalue you, humiliate you, treat you like a child, or tell you what to do. If they insist on keeping a matter private between you and they have proven that they are rage-a-holics, do not keep it private unless you feel you are in imminent danger (my advice ... if you are in imminent danger call the police). They want you to keep everything between you private because raging is so much easier for them when they can do it in secrecy, with no one watching, without it effecting their reputation. They do NOT respect the sanctity of privacy (bullies will slander you behind your back). Victims of workplace bullying and sibling abuse tend to have the following characteristics: * They are more empathetic than the average person (they overwhelmingly are in the "helping professions": nurses, school teachers, yoga instructors, therapists) * They tend to be whistle blowers and many are involved in causes (civil rights, women's rights, victims of domestic violence rights, getting bullying laws changed, safety issues in the workplace, trying to get workplace laws changed, they tend to be into equality and democracy, they tend to be into calling out inequities in the workplace, and so on) * Very loyal to their friends; going to bat for them in unjust situations * They tend to be highly creative individuals with big ideas (many victims have careers in the arts) * They tend to be polite * They tend to be highly intelligent * They tend to be high achievers, many of them out-doing their peers in a work environment in terms of projects, creative ideas and work ethic * Sometimes scapegoated by other workers, or scapegoated within a family * Most survivors have a combination of all of these traits My own personal note here about victims: I have been a part of survivor groups for years. I have noticed a trend. The women tend to be exceptionally beautiful (probably rated much higher in the "standard" beauty department). They also tend have an innocence about them in their appearance. They tend to look much younger than their years. They tend to be more creative than most people in the way of clothing. Of course, being beautiful infuriates workplace bullies who tend to be incredibly jealous people, on top of being manipulative. In fact, all of these qualities of survivors tend to enrage bullies, and they also see survivors as easy marks for bullying (because survivors tend to act polite, with an etiquette of integrity). The reason why bullies are enraged about these qualities is because most bullies are overwhelmed with feelings of jealousy and envy. Borderlines experience jealousy intensely, and express it as outward rage, verbally tearing down their co-worker to anyone who will listen, and going into "berating rages" with people they are "competing against." They often practice slander too, but are not as careful about hiding their tracks as narcissists and the Antisocial Personality Disordered (sociopaths). Narcissists and sociopaths usually experience jealousy as a simmering unbearable feeling bubbling in their systems, and they feel it almost all of the time. Narcissists are loyalty freaks, and will terrorize anyone who tries to mess with their self image as ideal: perfection personified. The jealousy they feel is so intense that they often make attempts to relieve it through gaslighting and subterfuge. Sociopaths will go the extra mile and steal. They want so badly what their targets have, that they feel entitled to take from them. They then slander their victims to the co-workers around them. The point of their assault is to toy with their victims' reputation in ever more ways, seeing what works and doesn't work, keeping up a campaign of making their victims lives miserable with "secret" reprimanding sessions, competition baiting, gaslighting, slander, insults, swearing and intimidation. The point of the bullies' intentions is to instill doubt in their peers about the target. They work on eroding the integrity, work ethic, sanity and abilities of their victims. Bullies tend to feel very relieved when they verbally or emotionally attack and eviscerate their targets. You will notice that they look happy, confident, energized and gleeful after they attack their victims. They have a bounce in their step, and they become even more of a social butterfly than they were before, trying to get all eyes on them, and their achievements. Again, this is not normal behavior and points to a Cluster B personality disorder. All workplace bullies and sibling bullies try to take credit away from their targets and make it seem that they "did everything" while their targets "did nothing". In fact the "I did everything and you did nothing" is very, very typical of workplace bullies and sibling bullies, because these personality disorders are known to possess black and white thinking. They hope that "negative perceptions" of their victims will allow them to climb the social ladder, or be the family favorite, leaving the victims of their bullying in the dust, isolated, alone and without social support. Their whole work ethic in both the home (sibling abuse), and in the work place (workplace bullying) is to gain the favor of others, particularly authorities, and to isolate their victims, so that their victims (and competition) will be pushed out into the cold and regarded as trouble makers. The most clever bullies can, and do, manage to isolate their targets pretty well. I will discuss strategies for disabling the isolation tactic from bullies in another post, but primarily it has to do with "exposure" of the bullying (and I don't mean just complaining to authorities). Bullies try to get away with lying, gaslighting and divide and conquer strategies (i.e. through triangulation) and acting commiserating with others, and setting up a kind of confidante rapport where they whisper about their competition (target of bullying) in disparaging ways, and they do it more frequently and with more intensity unless they are stopped in their tracks. All of this can be disabled. If you can get toxic people out of your life, that is by far the best strategy. Even if you have crippled their ability to bully, they can still make you feel tense and sick. Bullies want what their targets have. If their target has a certain job, privilege or skill, they want it too, and will try to jockey in position to get it. If their targets have more success, they don't try to get the same success through honest means; they try to do it through sly means and people maneuvering. They work on other peoples' perceptions continually through ever more slander and ever more rumors and lies. Meanwhile, they are "super sticky sweet" to their other peers, often doing favors for them, trying to impress, and painting themselves as victims. In fact, they tell others that they are victims of their targets. It can be an insidious process (and cause PTSD in their victims) and they even succeed at sabotaging their targets if their targets don't take precautions, counter-manipulate and expose (counter-manipulation does have its drawbacks, though, because you are acting the way they act -- but sometimes it is necessary to get them to back off, of looking at you as easy prey that will serve as a dump-site for their rage). I have talked about the ways sibling bullies try to compete with their siblings to get an upper advantage in terms of rewards and favoritism from their parents and other family authorities in other posts here and here and here. One of the ways they do this (which contributes to them ending up with a Cluster B personality disorder) is to: * try to get their siblings in trouble, to paint their sibling as the aggressor (when they are the aggressor) * they may kick their sibling and then tell Mom or Dad that they were kicked and watch with glee as their sibling gets punished * they may compete on chores and tell Mom or Dad that they did all of the chores while their sibling did none of the chores * they may threaten and terrorize their sibling, but smile like an angel while around Mom or Dad. * they may say subtle disparaging things about their sibling: "You know how my sister is" (with rolling eyes * when they want to get their sibling in trouble they may carve their sibling's name in a piece of furniture and say "Why would I ever write her name in the furniture? If I was to do that, I'd write my own name, wouldn't I?" Without putting a stop to sibling bullying and sibling competition, these "knife in the back" children will continue to bully as adults and end up like the nightmare co-workers I will talk about next. Nightmare bullies exist in the workplace and do the same kinds of nasty maneuvers that a sibling bully child will do to another sibling. In their minds, they must have the upper hand, they must have control of the perceptions of others in the workplace, they must have what their competition has, and they must compete, even if they feel they have to do it through unfair unethical means. When it comes to bullies in the work place, always remember the great quote by Eleanor Roosevelt: "Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people." Bullies in the work place tend to feel inadequate. So they think that in order to relieve that feeling, they must compete with and attack their competition. Their focus is on manipulating people rather than on making a great contribution in their field of expertise. I have talked about how narcissists do not care about what their targets feel, think or about their perspectives. Borderlines are much the same way, particularly when their agenda is to compete. Borderlines rage by shouting, swearing and trying to intimidate. They are known for their volume. They maneuver to put you on the defensive, explaining yourself and defending yourself and trying to calm them down and appease them. They count on it. They feel acknowledged, and even loved, by people trying to please them so that they don't go off their rocker again. It is very much like trying to calm down an unruly child. However, this also has the effect of condoning their behavior. They do not get better, and often get worse. Sometimes they become extremely narcissistic where they expect everyone in their lives to give in to what they want just to keep them from raging. The difference between narcissistic rage and borderline rage is that narcissistic rage is often schemed and quiet and designed to make the most devastating impact, whereas borderlines "let it all out", with a lot of volume, without a thought as to what they are doing, how it effects others, how it effects their reputations or what the long term consequences are. They are so unconcerned about their reputations when they are in a rage, that they spend days and sometimes weeks afterwards with regrets, feeling paranoid, alone and abandoned. They are very impulsive, and if their bullying gets exposed, they are known to make drastic changes to their lives to avoid accountability. Narcissists, on the other hand, are as careful about their reputations as they can be, but they rarely have regrets, and they avoid accountability by dodging, diverting, excusing, lying, covering up and playing the victim (narcissists really believe that their targets deserve abuse ... their common phrase is "You bought this upon yourself", whereas borderlines know they have messed up and can feel shame and guilt). Narcissists and borderlines feel paranoia pretty intensely, and both try as hard as they can to do damage control after their abuses have been exposed. They both try to act overly sweet to others so that they can appeal to as many people as possible, so that those people will doubt their targets. One reason why narcissists most often use the silent treatment in place of shouting, swearing, and openly challenging their targets, is for the sake of reputation (make no mistake about it, though, the silent treatment is still a nasty form of abuse: see my post on the silent treatment). They can write off their silent treatment to their audience as: "We just don't get along", "We just don't see eye to eye", "We're in two different worlds", "We've never gotten along all that well", "She has her life and I have my life and if we see each other, great, and if we don't see each other, we have our own interests and our own lives". In other words, they hide their passive aggressive abuses under the guise of "we're just having a normal time apart" -- a hoax. The point I am trying to make is that both borderlines and narcissists often use rage and personal attacks to solve interpersonal conflicts, problems and issues. It is just that the manner of their attacks are different. Borderlines see things in black and white terms. They are noted for more black and white thinking than even the most disordered narcissists and sociopaths. They also use always and never phrasing much more too (see my post on always and never phrasing in the verbal abuse post). My personal experiences: I have two to talk about. They both took place in a co-operative gallery. The identities have been changed to protect the guilty largely because I don't want to damage the reputation of the gallery and its other artists. The first is about two old lady artists and my relationship to them. The second concerns an artist I recorded in the middle of a bullying session. I am sharing the transcript of that recording for my readers so that they see what it sounds like and how bullies maneuver to take hits on your self esteem. This first one I will tell briefly. It is a very long story over a twenty year period, and I think that it deserves its own post (which I am working on). It is this story, and a few others, that made me want to research bullying and abuse. The Gertrude and Janice story: This story concerns two old ladies who I will refer to as Gertrude and Janice. Both were potters. I was also a potter in those days. The relationship was complicated in that it included working in a co-operative studio environment every day as well as in a co-operative gallery. in other words, we probably saw each other too much. Gertrude was the bully, and the uninspired one, and often copied Janice's style and types of glazes. She also tried to undercut Janice in price for a comparable piece of pottery, and take the best display spaces for herself while moving Janice's pieces around to lesser locations that would not be so easily seen by customers. Janice would sometimes correct Gertrude's nasty display changes, but because Janice did it out in the open (as compared with Gertrude's doing it covertly), Janice was often blamed and seen as the aggressor. Eventually she was severely scapegoated by most of the membership. As in alcoholic families and families headed by a narcissist, the victim of abuse in a workplace can also be blamed and scapegoated and seen as the villain because no one takes the time to research what is really going on. This is what happened to Janice and it is a heartbreaking story that took place over two decades. I am still trying to find justice to this story. I think the best way to get it, is to write about it so that it cannot happen to someone else so easily. Like many survivors, Janice was outspoken. So Janice was often blamed for things just because she was outspoken about being treated so badly. Gertrude spent an inordinate amount of time pointing the finger at Janice: "Look how hysterical she is! She is always putting me down! Real victims aren't so angry as Janice is!" She was one of the most sly sadistic underhanded bullies I have ever met, and she made every effort to ruin Janice's reputation and career, and to a slightly lesser extent, my career and reputation too. Gertrude was a master at acting, manipulation and "competition baiting", probably the most masterful I have seen. She would perpetrate ACT B, for instance, and then tell the social circle of the membership that Janice perpetrated ACT B instead. Janice was always, always on the defensive, while Gertrude would play this sticky sweet little grandmother role, acting nauseatingly unassuming, doing favors for others just to win their vote of confidence in her "war" against Janice, and coo-ing over members' "life issues". She was constantly maneuvering, using subterfuge, "isolation tactics", sabotage, stealing (which is against the law, but she was ballsy enough to do it, especially to Janice), making both of us "appear crazy" to the membership, playing the innocent and constant victim by calling up the display committee chair saying we were "bullying" her, giving her targets "the silent treatment on steroids", discounting our contributions, taking credit for our work and contributions, making herself appear to have a brilliant college education and to be a reputable teacher (when Janice and I actually had the degrees, and the real teaching experience), feigning concern over display of other members' works, disparaging Janice and me in a very quiet whispering victim voice, constantly lying, constantly acting, constantly stabbing us in the back, constant devaluing us at every turn. In the studio the situation got so bad that Janice left and set up a studio in her house, and used a kiln in her backyard, while I worked around the ever-unpleasant Gertrude by wearing ear pods and a cassette recorder all day. When she'd give me her evil gloating smile, I tried a lot of creative ways of responding to it, including not responding, until I came upon something that stopped it once and for all. It was dizzying how well she did her bullying. Janice and I wondered how Gertrude could get away with making us look so bad. I remember many times standing outside the gallery with Janice shaking our heads in dismay and being so utterly amazed at how convincing Gertrude could be. Her lies slid into other people's ears like candy. It seemed to us that everyone should be able to see the sabotage just because of how the gallery looked and was displayed most of the time. Most of the membership, in fact, called it the "pottery wars" because they found it so inconveniently uncomfortable to be reminded that we were unhappy -- even if for a good reason. It showed the two of us how little people care, and how little people research to find the real truth, and how little they are invested in justice and truth. Instead, they wanted to believe in some rhetoric. We reasoned that it was like how religious cult leaders can persuade. In the Hale Bopp Comet cult, called Heaven's Gate, members were told that if they poisoned themselves, they would be able to take a ride on the comet. Janice and I thought that maybe it was a little like that, where the membership fell in love with words, a perspective and a person, refusing to see what was in plain sight, in front of their noses. They were enjoying the sweet-little-cooing-grandma-from-Hell giving them ego strokes instead. Gertrude's bullying campaign was so relentless that she took her slandering outside the co-op studio and co-op gallery too. Gertrude took it into every aspect of our local artistic life: into submissions, group shows, openings, parties of invited artists, indeed everywhere in the local art scene. This should never happen, ever, so ever since, I have been active in the cause of stopping workplace bullying through laws and survivor training. Unfortunately, Janice and I did not have the training then, and complaining made everything worse, though I will tell in the future post why I eventually started speaking up. Seeing so much injustice, group slander and group scapegoating at an early age (I was my twenties when it started), was difficult to witness, and I don't think the human psyche is meant to take relentless injustice anyway; I think our systems won't allow it, even if it takes a long time to make the situation "right" in some way. Since I grew up in a family with members who were invested in "just causes" like the civil rights movement, women's liberation, politics, and education, and assumed that "good people" were also invested in those things, I was ill prepared to know what to do for a long time. Make no mistake, these people were "good people", but they were the kind of people who "don't want to get involved", who fancy themselves as Switzerland, the kind of people Martin Luther King talked about. His words: We will have to repent in this generation not merely for the hateful words and actions of the bad people but for the appalling silence of the good people. -- Martin Luther King In bullying situations, neutrality and turning away actually escalates bullying. It does not rectify it. Both Janice and I felt really, really alone in our struggle, even though we had each other. I want to make one point however, before I go on to the next story. Many years ago, I tried being nice and bending over backwards for Gertrude. I agreed to fire all of Gertrude's pottery, both bisque firings and glaze firings because she feigned helplessness in that department. I wanted to see if she would let up on her bullying. No, she got so much worse. I tell why bullies do not get better, and why they actually escalate bullying, when you do them favors in the If you are good and show altruism and magnanimity, will that keep you from being abused? post. I will tell how I finally overcame the bullying, and believe me, after twenty years of being on the losing end, I used a stealthy arsenal of unpredictable "surprises" to disable Gertrude's bullying and sabotaging activities for the remaining five years that she was in my life. As I said, I will share what those were at another time because it was a long process of trial and error, and I want to focus on the taped conversation with another bully from the same gallery instead to show what it actually looks like. The next story is about a lesser bully than Gertrude, but still a bully none the less. The Morgan and Lise story: For this next segment, I wanted to show what "competition baiting" actually sounds like. It is a taped conversation of someone who became verbally abusive during a phone call: insults, baiting, swearing, slander, interrupting, reprimanding, devaluing, raging, attempts to isolate, gaslighting, character assassination, trying to control the conversation, and other kinds of inappropriate bullying in a business context. I call this next bully Morgan (not her real name). I suspect that Morgan has Borderline Personality Disorder, whereas Gertrude probably had Malignant Narcissism (Malignant Narcissism is considerably more evil, but also a good deal more "charming"). Morgan and I are the only card designers in the gallery. We have, roughly, the same amount of space, the same amount of inventory and we probably have similar sales (she sells more in the Spring, and I sell more during the fall and holidays). Some differences between us include (and probably have something to do with the conflicts between us, and her competition with me, which I will explain later): * I am educated in art; she is not * I am more fine art oriented; she is more crafts oriented * her art rarely evolves, mine evolves constantly -- probably too much so I didn't know she had a penchant for bullying until very recently. We had an altercation many years ago when Gertrude was still part of the gallery, where she verbally attacked me, but as the years went by, the relationship between us was uneventful. I thought we were on good terms, and I didn't know that she was jealous of me (which probably has more to do with the differences I stated above than our similarities). I have noticed over the years that she is also insecure about labeling herself as an artist, and that may have something to do with her "competition" with me. Perhaps she doesn't feel on par with me in some way. Anyway, I considered her to be in the "friendly camp." I don't do things for bullies any more, so seeing as how I hadn't been bullied until this recent incident, I did what friendly co-workers and co-artists do: I did favors for her, filled in work days for her when she had surgery, I made sure she had adequate display space in the center of the gallery (she is a high volume seller compared to many of the artists there), and I came up with ideas of trying to make both of our businesses grow. Three weeks before this bullying incident, I had recently driven a piece of hers to a gallery show (which I helped to set up, making sure her piece was displayed properly: in the center). I admit that the relationship I had with her was hard to figure out. It was distant and rather uneventful. She could be friendly, but she could also appear cold and uncaring. We did not talk about personal subjects. She also did not reciprocate with days I needed filled, or anything else other than ringing up sales of my work (I also rang up sales of her work -- it is part of being in a co-operative gallery). She ran a social media site for our gallery, and she became involved with our brand new website. Some background: I had suggested to the gallery last January that we have a website. We had a mail-chimp account, a twitter account and a facebook account. I had discussions with a committee from our gallery about how it should be set up, what it should contain, and I made some mock-ups for the website design. My interest was primarily in promoting its artists, and trying to drum up more traffic. As time went on, Morgan seemed to want to take over the site and I noticed I was being excluded more and more from it. I did not know why, but I also had no particular desire to control the outcome and would just tell others who were working on the site: "Do what is best for the site. I'm just here to help if you need it." I wanted to be part of the blogging for the site, and setting up new member pages and bios. Morgan told me a month ago that the website had too many differing opinions on its design from 3 members, and did not want my help on it any more because it would just be one more opinion to deal with. So, I backed off and made some birthday card designs instead. I rewrote my bio for the website at her suggestion and she wrote back a curt, rather cold reply: May 28: Morgan: Hi Lise. I got the bio but Molly said you have not paid yet. Only members who have paid will be included. May 28: Lise: So I assume it is too late now? Okay. Unfortunately I was too busy with (an art show at the gallery), and forgot, and thought it was under discussion anyway because we had so much money in the account ... May 28: Morgan: If you get the money in then you will be included but just hurry. We are probably going live this week ... I am working very hard also and have pur (sic) in long hours on this web site and I don't want to take the time to take members off and then put them back in later when they pay. Just pay now or have Molly deduct it from your next check. Let me know what you are doing so I adjust the bios accordingly. Morgan May 28. Lise: Okay, I just e-mailed Molly about taking the fee out of the May sales. You can include me now. May 28: Lise: Let me know if you've received my e-mail about Molly deducting it from the paycheck. Lise (note: sometimes I am unsure if an e-mail gets through because of the type of e-mail account I have, which is why I sometimes send more than one e-mail) May 29: Lise: I told Molly to take it out of May sales. I am out of town until Wed. and a check would take until Fri or Sat. Let me know. I'd like feel I didn't go through all this writing (of the bio) for naught on a rare vacation. Lise Tuesday May 31: Lise: Molly, you told me to rush, and I did, and have not heard back from you. What are your plans when it comes to my inclusion on the website? Lise June 1: Morgan: If you get the money in then you will be included. This is the e-mail that let me know that Morgan was most likely playing a game of "arbitrary answers". I felt that she was baiting me, expecting me to get "pissed off" and to approach her about it. In other words I felt that she was trying to bait a negative response from me, so that she could jump all over me (which she did as I will show). One reason I suspected I was being "baited" is because I know enough about the subject of abuse to know that her response was not a normal response to someone who wants a "clear definitive answer" to the issue and is feeling worried about e-mails getting through (bullies, the Cluster Bs, show lack of empathy for how people feel). My hunch that she was toying with me made me prepare a counter-offensive, which was recording her response without her knowledge. Before I took Morgan's "bait" however, I decided to write the entire membership by sharing these same e-mails to see if anyone else was going through what I was going through at not getting answers. If Morgan had written anyone else during that same 4 day time period, it might also show others that I was being "toyed with". Morgan responded back (respond-all, that is), asking me to call her. She also remarked that I was "distorting", even though I wrote the e-mails verbatim. Following is the conversation I had with her (again, it is from actually taping her). What may not be obvious, because there is no sound in type-written words, is that Morgan was shouting the whole time of our "conversation", almost always interrupting. Note, it is not normal to solve interpersonal or business issues and conflicts with ranting and attacks (that is definitely a sign of a bully). Most people will try to figure out what went wrong, to ask questions, and are interested in resolution. My comments about the altercation is in pink type. Lise: calmly So why didn't you get back to me? What's going on? Morgan: Because I have a life! One thing I don't need is 50 friggin' e-mails sent over and over again! Note the exaggeration: borderlines typically exaggerate when in a rage. Like your little issue should be the most important thing in my life! It's always about you, isn't it!? I have a life, do you understand me!? Do you UN-DER-STAND!? Notice the repeat here: abusers often talk to targets as though they are small children who have a hearing problem and need to be reprimanded. Obviously you don't! You could have called me! Lise: You know, we both have a life. I was up in Vermont, and I didn't have your num--- Morgan: mocking with disdain: Oh, you're in Vermont! Woohoo. Back to shouting: You know something!? This is a waste of MY time! You and your little concerns and your little world of crap! You're a WASTE OF MY TIME! Do you hear me!? I JUST DON'T FRIGGIN' CARE! Do you hear me? I DON'T FRIG-GIN' CARE ABOUT YOUR LIT-TLE WORLD! Lise: facetiously: Nice. You know how to be polite. sighing with exasperation Morgan: You don't friggin' do anything! You're too busy! with disgust and disdain: You're too this, you're too that! You make it sound like you're everywhere! goading, taunting, mocking: What IS IT that you DO all of the time anyway? Just who are you, exactly? What is so goddamn important in your life anyway! Huh? Answer me that! competition baiting: You know I could outpace you at just about everything! I'd like you to write down everything you have done for the gallery and we'll compare notes one on one and just see who comes out ahead! I doubt you have done much of anything! In fact, you've done nothing!! It's about your self centered world, while I actually do things for the gallery! But I don't FRIGGIN' CARE because YOU are a waste of my time!? Do you hear me? I DON"T FRIGGIN' CARE!!!! Abuse has a way of sounding pretty trashy, not intelligent or inspiring, with many repeats. But I can tell she is feeling empowered by all of the shouting. Abusers also feel entitled to shout and berate you, because they feel it is all your fault that they are this way, and they feel they are more important and entitled to rage, so their rage takes precedence over just about every other kind of communication: like it must be listened to. Lise: That's interesting. So you don't care about other people's concerns. Okay, then. Morgan: I care about other people's concerns! But you blow this way out of proportion! I'm certainly not going to take your concerns more seriously than anyone else's! Like your concerns should take precedence over other people's concerns! with disdain and taunting: Your little puny little life of LISE WINNE, the artist of all artists, is much more important than what others do! Or what I do! I worked hours and hours and hours on this website, asking the designers to move one period here and one colon there. And all you can think of is whether you are in it, or not, and all you can think to do (with disgust) is write about the members! Whoop-ee! Like that is all that you can come up with to contribute! Lise: I can contribute more, but you seemed to want to take over the ----- Morgan: interrupting and sounding defensive: I put in over 20 hours of my time on it, and then when I need a break from it, I get 50,000 e-mails! I'm supposed to drop EVERYTHING for you! I had my (aunt) here! I have a life! Do you hear me!? I HAVE-A-LIFE!! Lise: All I was asking for is just the word "confirmation" or something like that. You strung me out for 4 days! And then when you finally responded, you didn't acknowledge that I paid. It's not a good way to treat other p ----- . Morgan: interrupting: When I send e-mails, they are PRIVATE e-mails! I don't want them shared all over the goddamn place! But, no, you can't respect that! You think this is SOOOOO important that it has to be shared with the world! Your little concern has to be broadcast all over the place!! That's what really got me! You have to share MY private e-mails with the entire membership! You are not to do that to me again! Do you hear me?! All of these people DO NOT have to get involved in your little -- Lise: interrupting: That's right. When I can't figure out why my e-mails aren't confirmed, I try to get to the bottom of it. The best way is through the membership, to see if they are going through the same issues that I am going through. And I also felt like I was being toyed with, so I go public when I'm being toyed with and treated like --- note: when I say I was being toyed with it refers to her competition baiting, the feeling that by keeping her responses arbitrary and as confusing as possible, she was hoping to have a chance at taking abusive pot-shots at me: in other words, I smelled a rat in her intentions towards me. My intuition was that she would provoke a response from me through the arbitrary response to make me nervous about being on the website, or taunting through keeping me off the website. If she got a response from me either way, it would be her chance to verbally undress me and abuse me, which is what most abusers salivate over. Morgan: interrupting: Why go public? What's the point? Lise: This conversation and your rants are the reasons why. When things are hidden, and I'm sensing -- Morgan: interrupting: You know what this is? It's one BIG TEMPER TANTRUM! Yup, one big temper tantrum! Because you can't wait! Everything has to be done right now! Right away! Right this minute! You can't be satisfied with waiting, because that's how selfish, self centered people act! If you don't get your way, then you cry to the membership! Wah, wah! Lise: It was four days. You started it with needing something from me, right away, demanding immediate action, which incidentally wasn't necessary after all, was it? But then when it comes to you, 4 days is right away -- Morgan: interrupts me on the words "right away" Note that interruptions happen because abusers are typically more focused on their next come-back, than their own contributions to what went wrong in the relationship, and their own hypocrisies. Abusers are typically NOT self-reflecting kinds of people and they are generally hypocrites in most of their accusations. They use rage to get what they want, and "I don't care" statements when they are caught at hypocrisies, as a way to divert, because it's the raging and denigrating that gives them that high they desire. For more on that see this post. It's like you haven't grown up! This is how little children act! They can't play nice when they don't get what they want right away! When they don't get what they want, then they go tell the authorities, they scream and cry until they get their needs met. If you don't fulfill a child's needs, they scream and cry more! This is what this is! I figured it out! Yup, it's one big childish temper tantrum! A three year old reaction to --- Lise: interrupting: These are personal attacks and they are inappropriate to a business discussion. Stop with the personal attacks and get back to the real issues. The only reason I am still on the phone with you is that we have to work togeth -- Morgan: interrupting again: You know what your problem is? You don't see any other perspective than your own! One thing about abusers is that they use projection -- this abuser really did not know me beyond my art creations and a few superficial conversations, and so has no other choice than to project (it should be obvious that she does not listen: she uses an attack/defend strategy and is always thinking about her next attack when the other person is talking). She was also not interested in me beyond her own rants and competitive feelings about me. Most abusers in the workplace only think in terms of: I'm in competition with her. She's too talented, I need to gain some leverage and superiority over her and the only way I know how to do that is to rip her character to shreds, rage at her, diminish her, take over her projects (website), and intimidate her. They compete in dirty ways, instead of inspirational ways. More calm, with a concerned tone: You should hear what people are saying about you! You're not going to believe it. Abusers often use slander, smear campaigns, and then they try to come back at the target with other people's opinions to try to rip apart their targets character some more and intimidate them further through isolating them via community opinion (which is another form of abuse, an emotional abuse). Usually verbal abuse escalates to emotional abuse, or it goes in tandem with emotional abuse. Lise: I don't care. This has nothing to do with those other people and --- Morgan: My point is that I wasn't getting the feeling that I did anything wrong! In fact, if anything, they gave me the feeling that I handled this the right way. That's my point! If I was so wrong, I wouldn't be hearing this! I called each and every member up, to make sure they were part of the website, and the conversation, to make sure they were paid up, and they were all very, very thankful for all I had done for them and gave me the feeling that you were --- Lise: deep, serious, authoritative tone: Like I said, this has nothing to do with the other members. I'm not going to talk about the other members. Morgan: sounding shaky: But my point is --- Lise: I'm serious. I don't care. Stop talking to me about th --- Telling an abuser that you don't care about opinions is actually a good strategy for many reasons. Sociopaths and psychopaths don't care what other people think (and most people are aware of that), so a borderline abuser will get worried that you are a sociopath or psychopath and usually stop ranting with such intensity, which she did. They begin to wonder if you are more dangerous than they are. They begin to wonder whether competing with you is in their best interests after all. They get nervous, like maybe you are one of those kooks with hair-trigger rage, or someone with a family member like that. They really don't know you so they start questioning themselves: like should they really be messing with you after all, should they have gone into a rage when they might be retaliated against? Hmmmm, maybe this isn't such a good idea after all. They begin to be worried and paranoid. Paranoia is the burden that all Cluster Bs carry around with them. When public opinion as a weapon will not work, they really don't have many other weapons to use. Their rage tends to dissipate. The other reason why I didn't care about "opinions" so much is because the old guard acted like brainwashed zombies in the days of Gertrude and Janice. When you are a survivor (which I am), you learn not to be swayed by opinion anyway. You know that there will be other insecure bullies that want to take pot-shots at you too and may join in a team of bullies. You know that the opinions of your past abusers who told you that you were worthless no matter how hard you worked to gain their approval, and that your work and contributions were worthless or insignificant regardless (for instance) were something you had to give up on being concerned about, so you tend to be of an independent mind when it comes to other people's opinions (while still being polite). You understand that abuse escalates no matter what you do or don't do, what you say or don't say, so their opinions of you become pretty insignificant and useless. It is one reason why survivors are some of the most creative, brave, independent, trail blazing people you will ever meet. Morgan: sounding slightly more uneasy and less rage-ful: Well there really isn't anything to talk about then. You're just really screwed up. You know what? You're crazy. You're probably mentally ill or disordered or deranged or something. I should feel sorry for you. It must be hard to be in your shoes. It must be hard to live in your little cold world. You have some major problems. You don't care what other people think, that's interesting. You don't care what I think, either. You just live in a bubble of your own opinions and your own making. A bubble only you understand. And you don't care that it makes you alone, and doesn't make sense to anyone else. It's kind of like living in a fantasy world all of the time. That's why you think you're so important because it's a fantasy that you're this big important person that -- Lise: This is gaslighting! I'm not going to be listening to gaslighting statements -- You can read about what gaslighting is to understand what I am talking about. Morgan: interrupts by hanging up the phone Some notes about what happened next, with some of my own thoughts about whether I would want to change my reactions to her. I did call her back to tell her that I recorded our "conversation". This changed the course of things, as I will reveal in a moment. My main impetus for recording is that there is less likelihood for slander (because of the recording). Slander is usually a part of any bullying process and it can make for an intolerable work environment, and severe symptoms of PTSD for its victims if it goes on for a long period of time. Recording is a counter-manipulation, but it works on people who are out to hinder and hurt you. The best offense and defense against slander is recording someone in a bullying rage. As soon as you hear someone in a rage, record, record, record. Anyway, she tried to muster up a stance about her being recorded, that she was proud of what she said, and how she acted, and would stand by it, and that people would still judge her to be "the better person". I said, "Not with this recording. Uninterrupted rage? I think not." Then she started sounding pitiful, like a little girl, and she was getting very paranoid: "Don't ever touch my stuff!" "Don't hurt me!" "I don't want you to pick up any more of my pieces or display any more of my pieces! Just leave my work alone!" "I could never work with you again!" "I could never trust you again!" "Don't threaten me!" "I feel betrayed!" "I just want to be left alone!" "I can't believe that you don't trust me! I don't trust you!" Then sounding almost tearful: "I'm feeling really stunned right now. It's like I've been hit with a bolt." Abusers really do feel like victims when you disarm them. The fact that she felt stunned is a normal response to "possible exposure", especially since so many scapegoats and targets of abuse seem so polite and unassuming, when they seem so reasonable, like they will absorb abuse forever without defense, when they seem so patient in the face of so much rage hurled at them, when they seem so passive, when they seem to be on the defensive all of the time, when they seem like such a perfect target or scapegoat for abuse. Recording them in these tirades makes them feel pretty darn defeated. It's a stealthy move, kind of like a judo or karate move in that you let your opponent wear themselves out taking swings at you, and then you take the force of their blows and put them on the floor in one swift move. In the following days, she did a lot of "trying to save face." Her e-mails out to the membership were peppy, cheerful, and all about how much work she was doing on the website, and for all of the members. She even came up with little fun games, inviting the membership to play. She was trying to put on this cheerful helpful little goody-two shoes role. And yes, I was included in on the website, another victory. She did make it clear that she was taking over the website, and that someone else besides me was going to be part of that effort, but a friend thought it was "perfect" (laughing all the while). This other person thought I should be happy that I'm not saddled with the job. "Just think: you get to make all kinds of birthday cards, and make even more money than she is making, because she's saddled with a website! She'll see all of your new designs popping up, and get ever more jealous and resentful, while she'll be doing everyone else's work." This friend also suggested I use it as a strategy: that I pretend to want to do something very badly, and in her competitiveness she'll make a grab for it and try to take it away from me. "You give her all the unwanted jobs this way!!" *giggles* It is the same mentality of a person I wrote about in this post. Basically the story is of another "friend" (and I use the "friend" term loosely) used my interest in a man to see if she could seduce him away from me. If she was successful, she would find a way to dump the man, because she couldn't continue to compete with me if she held onto him. So, in order to get her going after a different man than the one I was actually interested in, I found a decoy man 3 hours away, and talked him up as much as I could to her, feigning falling in love with him, over many weeks to get her interested in going after him. And the bait worked: she went after the decoy man, and since decoy man lived so far away, she never saw much of my real love interest. In fact, the real man I was interested in was kept from her as much as I could possibly muster. I had time, finally, to build on a relationship without her intrusions and sabotage. By the time she caught on, it was too late, and I eventually married him. It is a type of gray rock method, in that you are counter-manipulating (most Cluster Bs are very predictable, and you know they are competitive jealous people who want what you want, and are so uncomfortable with the envy they feel that they will do just about anything to relieve themselves of that envy, so it is easy to trick them, and get them going on wild goose chases). I have also learned to enjoy the feeling of having bullies afraid of me. I like it that this bully is in a box, that she can't mess with me very easily again. I like that this recording exists and that she may be more careful about bullying others too. The gallery, and area art scene, may be a very hard place for her to find targets, to get narcissistic supply. Narcissistic supply (and bullying) from raging only works in the dark, in the most private of conversations, and she knows I won't protect the sanctity of private conversations between us. She will have to go elsewhere for someone else to dick around with, rage at, and play for a fool, because she knows I'm onto her. Borderlines sometimes find their lives so ruined by their own regrettable rages that some of them seek help. Borderlines are the only Cluster B that has a chance at recovery (usually). Very few narcissists and sociopaths care to change their behavior. As I said in this post, most bullies "don't have a life", as the saying goes. They are usually unhappy in some aspect of their life. If you think about it, anyone who puts time into trying to bait someone so that they can have an outlet for bullying and rage cannot be happy. Anyone who has to "competition bait" someone else must feel inadequate. Most bullies are not careful about whom they bully, and this altercation with Morgan should be proof of that. They are generally not discretionary, and they even "mess with" people who have the potential of having authority, or clout, or knowledge of laws, or psychopaths, or who have spouses or family members with those kinds of traits. They take foolish chances at bullying (kind of the way philanderers take foolish chances at having affairs). Morgan did not know me outside of very limited contact ... not too smart! Anyway, she may be a lot more careful about bullying now, knowing that recording is being done a lot on cell phones these days. She may still be able to rage in her own home, and that may give her the perfect excuse not to change her ways. I have a hunch that Morgan is married to a quiet, unassuming, reserved man who walks on eggshells around her explosive rages. I also suspect that she gets away with a lot of rages. It means that she will probably not seek help as long as rages are working for her in that arena. The problem with being recorded is that she will probably feel hampered and in a double bind in telling the whole truth to her husband. Many Cluster Bs find they have to alter the story to appear as the real victims. But, she would also be paranoid too of the whole story leaking out. So many cluster Bs put lies and excuses on top of more lies and excuses. Oh, dear, the anxiety of it all! Paranoia and not keeping lies straight is the big reason why borderlines, narcissists and sociopaths become depressed later in life. Their shame has a way of catching up to them, even though they have spent their lives trying to keep it away. I could have done things differently, and it is never a good idea to sit through someone else's raging and belittling sessions. But since she had probably been taking pot shots at me behind the scenes for quite awhile (jealousy will do that), and slandering my reputation, I saw nothing wrong in holding down the record button. It was validating. It may work for you too. Since you are the first one to listen to that recording, you can hear right away that the person raging is the selfish one (who won't let you talk), who is the crazy one (who has amnesia about your contributions in the work place), who is threatening (while you are polite), who sounds stupid (because they repeat inane phrases), whose rage and anger are unreasonable (because they rage at just about everything you say). Other people will see them that way too if they hear. Recording is empowering in terms of justice; that is why it is used so much. I didn't get to this point with Gertrude until Gertrude did a lot of damage. I feel I have made quite a bit of progress. Since Gertrude was part of the co-operative gallery, some of her residual scapegoating of Janice and me were left behind for Morgan to pick up perhaps, and use as a continued mission. I am thankful that this time I am only dealing with a borderline, instead of a rabid extremely manipulative malignant narcissist. This borderline may still try things here and there to upset me, but she is too hobbled to make an all-out assault now. I would bet that she doesn't rage at me again. If she does, I will put up a link here and let you know how it has played out. Learning to deal with bullies is a skill like anything else, and I'll touch more on those skills later on. Further reading: How to Deal with a Verbally Abusive Coworker by Freddie Silver excerpt: Verbal abuse includes shouting and swearing as well as intimidating gestures and hostile body language. Insults, ridicule and criticism -- whether to your face or secretly to colleagues and supervisors ... What is Workplace Verbal Abuse and Is It Harmful to You? excerpt: One answer is to tape-record the person doing the verbal abuse at work as he berates you. Sometimes, showing a recorder to the bully and asking him if he minds if you tape the conversation can be enough to prevent the verbal abuse. Or, you can record the abuser without his knowledge which permits you to gather proof just in case you wish to report him. 15 Kinds of Verbal Abuse: The Abuser Feels More Powerful When He Puts Down His Victim by Berit Brogaard, D.M.Sci., Ph.D. -- a Psychology Today Article which can give you an over-view on verbal abuse Verbal Abuse from the Out of the Fog Website, a good resource for all types of abuse

Narcissistic fathers devastate families. Learn how to heal yourself from a toxic upbringing and ensure your children do not suffer the same fate.

Dating someone who grew up with an alcoholic parent and confused by things they do or don’t do? Are your spouse’s past experiences as a kid in a dysfunctional home affecting your marriage and family today? Are you ready to better understand this person you love and how their experiences affect life today? I get...Read More

“Businessman Stop Sign Hand Gesture Isolated On White Background” by steafpong via FreeDigitalPhotos.net We've all been there at one time or another… subscribing to denial. Maybe we deny that the outfit were wearing is not flattering… adamant that we are going to wear it anyway when our figure might be better suited for something else. Maybe were in denial about the person were marrying... when in reality we are a bad match because our core values don't match up. Perhaps someone denies they are a workaholic… despite plenty of evidence to prove otherwise… their family members know all too well that their loved one is always missing at family functions and always seems to be ready with an excuse for their absence. We may subscribe to denial every so often… not necessarily with intent to cause issues or hurt yet living in our fuzzy perception of reality, we also live in a state of denial... that maybe only those close to us can see quite clearly. The big issues with denial come into play when someone is KNOWINGLY, MALICIOUSLY denying poor behavior on their part… and causing those who have been hurt by the perpetuator to question their very reality… wondering if they have fallen off their rocker, gone off the deep end, etc because their very sanity has come into question. That's what a narcissist or sociopath does. They deny, deny and deny the things they do. They will never admit to doing anything wrong. Healthy functioning adults respect others and they will admit to their mistakes, their poor choices, their regrets. Yes, we may have a difficult time out of guilt, shame and sorrow… maybe even embarrassment. Maybe we stall for awhile to come forth and speak up and admit what we've done… but we eventually do… we swallow our pride, we humble ourselves, we ask God and or others for wise counsel and guidance and try our best to make amends. Not a narcissist or sociopath. They believe the one whom they hurt had it coming (punishing nature). Or they believe that the target is trying to manipulate them with some pitiful attempt at tears or is a weak idiot for being so "sensitive". The narcissist or sociopath will deny what he or she told you last year, last month or even last night. The narcissist or sociopath will deny they pressured you to do x,y,z. The narcissist or sociopath will deny you are sick… deny your symptoms or the severity of them… and will not help you with the medical care you need… we simply cannot count on someone of a narcissistic or sociopathic nature to come to our aid when we are in need of any kind… they will ALWAYS fail us… DENYING AN ISSUE… either saying we are exaggerating our problem and accusing us of being dramatic… calling us crazy or weak… as if we can't "get it together" like he or she. "BANDAIDS DON'T FIX BULLET HOLES" - Taylor Swift, Bad Blood They will say: "I don't know what you're going to do…" essentially letting you take all responsibility for whatever the crises or issue is… you're on your own. With a narcissist or sociopath you're always on your own… they are the most unreliable, unhelpful individuals out there. They throw you in a pool of water and then scream at you that you're drowning… "SWIM!!!!" They scream when they know you can't swim… and then walk off denying they ever threw you in the pool. They treat you terribly, scold you, criticize you, minimize your feelings, invalidate your reality, outright abuse you… and when you finally break and say: "I can't do this anymore" and walk away… they later tell you that you that they love you, you broke their heart and they just don't understand why you're treating them this way. Fall 2013 names have been omitted in this post **************** "That's not what he told me…" I said, my brows furrowed as I drove to the hotel we were heading to… in the darkness of night I slowly made my way along the inky street… my home was undergoing renovations and my mother and I had made arrangements for us to stay at a Hyatt hotel for a few nights. "He told me that he helped search for me while I was gone… "I told her, referring to when I had left home at seventeen during my junior year of high school… my father had always made it out like he had been an active participant in the search to bring me back home. For almost two decades my mother and I had never spoken of the time when I'd left and now we were finally discussing the incredibly touchy and unspoken time period in our lives for the first time in detail. Fast forward nineteen years to now it appeared I had been fed lies for years on end by him… he obviously never believing that eventually his lies would be found out… however many years later. "Your father didn't do anything." My mother informed me. We passed fast food restaurants lit up in a bright array of neon colors in the night. Traffic ahead slowed to a halt at the red light and I eased to a stop. I blinked my bleary eyes ready to reach the hotel and get some much needed rest. "He lied to you. He didn't search for you… "She told me. "Your grandmother and I searched all the local malls looking for you… we handed out fliers with your photo and our contact information on them to anybody we could… a few of them had seen you… your grandmother and I walked the halls of the high school… interrogating kids, we posted fliers and passed them out… trying to get any leads we could… your grandmother went to the police chief and begged for his help… we spoke with private detectives that informed us the Vietnamese gangs were the most dangerous… and that in general the Vietnamese community is close knit, closed off and nearly impossible to try to gain access to… we were doing everything we could think of… our next step was to go to the media and ask for help." "What was dad doing?" I asked her even though by now deep down I already knew the answer. "Working." She replied simply. "What he always did." Silence. I let it all sink in… the harsh reality that he hadn't been out there looking for me… for years he had fed me one lie after another… that he was the one searching the malls, searching the school, that he had gone to the police chief, that he had paid the private detective the money to search for me… finding out my mother had actually paid for it. If I confronted him about the truth… he would deny it. He would never ever admit the truth. It wasn't worth my time or effort. That I knew without any hesitation or doubt. *************** The narcissist or sociopath wants more than anything for their pristine image to remain intact… they want their life to be regarded as one to be envied, to be respected, to be without a smudge or scandal. They will deny any wrong doing, they will deny anything that doesn't place them in a positive light. Denial is self serving as that it always serves the person engaging in it. The narcissists actions or lack thereof always affects others… whether it's engaging in crazy-making (gas-lighting), projection, lies, etc… they have zero regard to how it affects everyone else. At any and all cost they will deny anything that will shed a negative light on themselves… because at the end of the day what they wish to do is keep a pristine image… and they can only do that by denying every truth you tell. © gps-gracepowerstrength.blogspot.com ~ 2015 To My Readers: Thank you for reading, commenting and sharing! RELATED POSTS: WHEN NO ONE BELIEVES HE'S A NARCISSISTIC SOCIOPATH 11 THINGS I LEARNED FROM MY CHILDHOOD Projection & Signs Of A Cheating Spouse

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