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Welcome, I hope you are finding helpful tools so far! As you will find throughout my site, I have included links to download or print as much resources as I can. Today’s post focuses on works…
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Recently I was asked to speak to a group of mothers on discipline. Below is my transcript from that event. As I say below, If you have struggled with finding joy in motherhood and parenting, weary with knowing how to discipline, listen to my journey and see if it can be an encouragement to you. Hi, my name is Heidi Cooper and I have been married for 18 years to my husband, Tony. We have three kids: Evan-who is 12, Addie-who is 8, and Isaiah-who is 5. I always wanted to be a mom. My mom did an excellent job showing me the importance of motherhood. I went off to college with the intent of finding a good husband and then starting a family and staying home to be a mom. Pre-motherhood is full of big dreams and great intentions, your kids are going to become great missionaries who save the lost people of Africa and you have weekly games constructed to prepare them for life in the bush (or whatever your dream may be). But even the best prepared mom quickly realizes a few short weeks into motherhood that the days are longer and harder than you anticipated. Soon those long days with the struggles of doubt of raising a newborn, gradually become seeds of impatience with a learning toddler who thinks everything belongs to her and should be available to her at all times, which grows into frustration towards a messy preschooler who resembles a small indoor tornado leaving a mile-wide path of destruction wherever he roams, and next thing you know, yelling empty threats is becoming a part of your daily schedule to your disobedient 9 year old who has developed a keen sense of knowing what and whose buttons to push at the perfect time. You know theoretically that you are the one who is suppose be in charge around here so you hastily bark out something, anything to get their attention. Stop yelling at your brother! Why can’t you remember something as simple as flushing the toilet? Is it so hard to put the shoes 1 foot farther to the right so they are actually in the closet? Do you know how hard I worked to get us ready for this vacation and all you can do is fight with your sister? Now get in the car, we are going to go have fun as a family! You know what is spewing out of your mouth is wrong, but at the same time you do not even care because you feel the need to release your venom! Does any of this sound familiar to you? Certainly not the description of the Proverbs 31 woman! Well, I have good news and I have bad news for you. The good news…you are not alone! Don’t believe everything you see on Pinterest and Facebook. Not all mothering moments are instagram worthy! The bad news… kids copy what they see modeled for them, so it’s probably your own fault. At least that’s what the Lord showed me. If you have struggled with finding joy in motherhood and parenting, weary with knowing how to discipline, listen to my journey and see if it can be an encouragement to you. Three years ago, God began to move our family in a new direction. He moved us from sending the kids to a private Christian school to homeschooling. This meant having them home, all day, all year, and being responsible for their entire education. At the same time, we felt Him leading my husband to quit his full-time computer programming job and go to seminary full time. This added the challenge of no money and less dad time. My shortcomings surfaced real quickly. And I was fairly certain we were going to all hate each other by Thanksgiving. You’ve heard the saying “Be sure your sin will find you out?” Well, you can also be sure your kids will be the ones to bring them out and point them out! And now with them home all day they had plenty of opportunity! I knew this new season of life was going to be a time of sanctification for me. And God used the task of disciplining my kids as the main tool of reform. Colossians 3:16 says, Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. Well, the word of Christ was dwelling in me sometimes, and I was most certainly not singing psalms, hymns, or spiritual songs in my disciplining moments. I had the admonishment part down, except that it was not in wisdom or with thankfulness in my heart. It was with sarcasm and anger. God was revealing to me some sin in my life in regards to mothering. I was being selfish, discontent, impatient, angry. I was not using self-control, basically the opposite of all of the fruit of the spirit. What struck me hardest was realizing what example I was being to my kids, especially my daughter. Was the way I was parenting encouraging Addie to one day want to be a mom the way my mom did to me? Would she know that God created motherhood to be a joy and not a burden? I knew He had, but joy would not be the word I would have chosen to describe motherhood so far. Weary was more like what I was feeling. God showed me that places where I would get frustrated are a good place to start changing. Why was I getting angry when the kids were disobedient? Why did my heart seek revenge in discipline? I realized my sin came from the attitude of "you have gone against MY rules and here's what I have to say about it!" when it should have been "you have gone against God's rules and let's see what He has to say about it." I had been deceived. I had misunderstood the repetition of daily pulling weeds of sin in my kid’s life as well as in my own life. I was seeing it as failure instead of basic Christian living-a means of grace to teach us to become Christ-like. Repetition is how we learn. It gives us another chance to improve. It helps us master what we are learning. Paul says in Philippians 4, “for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation.” Paul learned contentment through repetition. God repeatedly put him in different situations so that he could master contentment. It didn’t mean failure. It meant sanctification. It meant learning to rely on Christ, because he continues in verse 13 with, ”I can do all this through Christ who gives me strength.“ Sin like old habits die hard. I needed a plan. I wanted the Bible to guide my disciplining, but I needed a cheat sheet to know where to find the right scripture to help me when my patience was thin. I also wanted an idea for a consequence that fit the crime as a prompt to guide my disciplinary action so I wouldn’t blurt out empty threats like “No more electronics for a month!” or “If I step on another Lego, I’m going to throw them all away!” Tony and I spent a weekend working this out and I came up with a discipline chart. I had it printed and it is posted in our kitchen. We spent several meal times going over it with the kids so we were all clear on what was expected, and what they could expect if they disobeyed. The chart has 3 columns-Behavior, What God Says, and Consequences. I came up with a list of the most common “offenses” such as Arguing/Causing Trouble, Abusing other’s property, foolish talk, etc... and then looked up several Bible verses for each sin. I printed out the full scripture of my favorite verse that I felt described best how God says we should act in each situation, and then listed several others as references that we could look up if we needed to add variety. The third column is a list of consequences. This is mainly an idea listed of how I could handle the punishment. We quite often add or subtract from the listed consequence based on the situation and the child involved. Some of my children feel more sorrow from electronics time taken away than a spanking, and another child of mine will come and confess on her own her wrongdoing even though I would have never found out and a look of disappointment from me will cause tears of sorrow. So, for example: Complaining/Whining- Philippians 2:14-Do all things without grumbling or questioning. Psalm 19:14-Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O LORD, my rock and my redeemer. Ephesians 4:29 The consequence idea listed is additional work or do not receive what was whined for. As we began implementing the chart I soon saw that as I would speak truth to my kids about being impatient, God would speak truth to me about my impatience. As I would read verses about laziness to my child, God would shine a light on my own laziness. I must say, when we are consistent with using our chart for times of discipline, mothering is more joyful. My admonishing was coming from wisdom, not anger. And it was also turning into a sweet time of teaching them about God. God was changing me and my kids. To take the time and think about how our actions were wrong and what God says about it in His Word and taking the time to give our kids the gospel and point them to Christ goes so much farther than "why can't you ever pick up your toys when I ask you to!" It has really helped to discipline my kids with the mindset of “I know that I am not worthy to be obeyed, I mess up just like you, but God is worthy to be obeyed and he has asked you as kids to obey your parents for it is right, and it will go well with you, so let’s look to God’s word and see what he has to say about …lying or arguing or whatever the situation may be.” I had also been deceived by the hard work of mothering. I was tired of dealing with the same things every day. The fatigue and repetition of the mundane were perceived as discouragement and hard. But God showed me that the valley days of motherhood doesn’t mean I lost my way. The times that the work is hard is where the change takes place. Opportunities to bless may be most present when we don’t feel like it. Just like exercising, the results are seen when it gets hard. If you give up every time the running gets hard and you don’t feel like running, you will never grow as a runner and will never see results. I always thought the passage in Hebrews about running with endurance was for missionaries or pastors. It says, “let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross.” But it’s not just for missionaries; it is for moms too! Our mission field is our kids. We are the ones teaching them daily about the gospel. It is hard to stop supper and go downstairs to correct wrong speech each time. It’s hard to function on 3hrs of sleep because you were up with a sick child. It’s hard to put down my crafts to play nail salon or help build a Lego helicopter. It’s hard to get out of your warm bed and stay up with a sleepless child. It’s hard to take the time to discipline with wisdom instead of yelling, “Everybody just stop it!” The days that the race set before us travels through a valley is where you learn to trust in Christ. But, what does it mean to trust in Christ? Christians say that all the time. Or,” just give it to Jesus.” That sounds great! I’d love to, but how do I give my whiny child to Jesus? Believe me there are days I would LOVE to give my children to Jesus! John Piper has helped me understand this concept with the acronym APTAT. A.P.T.A.T. stands for Admit, Pray, Trust, Act, and Thank. Let’s set up a scenario and run it through APTAT. It’s 5:00, that witching hour when everyone is hungry, you are trying to get supper going, and waiting for your husband to get home from work. Your 5 year old comes to you complaining that his brother kicked him! His brother responds with, “that’s because he was poking me while I was trying to play a game and was making me lose!” So, I take a deep breath and quickly run through APTAT in my head. A-Admit that you can’t do it. I tell God, I can’t do this right now. I am making supper and I want to just yell at them, but I know that isn’t right. P-Pray “God, help me! I need you!” T-Trust a specific promise like, “I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.” Or “My God shall supply all your needs.” Or” If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God and He will give it to you.” Yes, that one sounds good for this, because I don’t have a clue what to say! This is where letting the word of Christ dwell on you richly comes in handy. You will know what promises are available to you! A-Act You act! You don’t want to take the time to discipline right now, but you slow down and do it knowing God will help you. So you gently ask the boys to come look at the chart with you and say, “Evan, was it right to kick your brother?” And he says, “no, but he kept poking me even after I asked him to stop twice!” ” Isaiah, was it right of you to poke Evan?” “NO, but he wouldn’t let me have a turn.” So it sounds like you two are causing trouble and fighting. Let’s see what the Bible says about that. We go over to the chart and read-Arguing/fighting/causing trouble 2 Timothy 2:24-25- And the Lord's servant must not be quarrelsome but kind to everyone, able to teach, patiently enduring evil, correcting his opponents with gentleness. You guys are the Lord’s servants and he says that you are not to quarrel, but be kind. Were you being kind to each other? And it says you are to patiently endure evil, correcting with gentleness. Evan, did you endure your brother’s evil and correct his wrong behavior with gentleness? “I asked him nice twice…” “It doesn’t say correct with gentleness twice and then try kicking!” “You guys are brothers. You are going to be brothers forever! Evan, Is it more important to have a good score on a game or to treat your brother with love? Isaiah, is it more important to have your turn on the game or wait patiently for Evan to be done? You two need to apologize to each other and your consequence for causing trouble is that you have both lost the rest of your electronics time for the day, and I want you together to come up with something to play in your room with each other until supper is ready. T-Thank God. Thank him for faithfully helping you again! Thank him for helping your child understand where they were wrong and for giving them a repentant spirit. Thank him for helping you discipline rightly and giving you words to correct wrong behavior with and giving you the strength to endure another squabble. This to me is what giving it to Jesus means. God has promised to bless those who hunger and thirst for righteousness. He says they will be satisfied! So go to Him. Humble yourself. Ask for His help. He promises to satisfy you. So mothers, Let us not grow weary in doing good; for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up. There is hope! Our kids do copy what they see us do. So let’s start modeling kind words and forgiveness and repentance and self-control. Let them see you asking God for help. And one day you will begin to notice that those piles of shoes thrown about the entryway that used to lead to anger is now first stirring up thoughts of thankfulness in your heart to God because it means you live in a home full of children you love. We will not be mothers of little children forever. They will grow. And move away. I want to know what it is to be content when I have plenty of children at home and when I have none. God is not training you for no reason. Practice. Practice. Practice. And then you will see that the Proverbs 31 woman won’t look so far off anymore. She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. 27 She looks well to the ways of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. 28 Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: If you think a Behavior Chart would be a useful tool to help you discipline your kids or grand kids consistently, they are available at https://www.etsy.com/listing/156526656/behavior-chart
I have plans to do a few sets of printable packs based on social concepts. I've already done two on feelings and emotions, but I wanted to get into other realms as well. So, to
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Avoid the pitfalls of loose boundaries and inconsistency in your home. Learn why discipline is important for kids and what happens when we ignore this fact.
I receive lots of inquiries from parents who need help for their children, but don’t want to meet with a child psychologist. Some are fearful of the stigma associated with having their child diagnosed with a mental disorder. Others are concerned about the cost of therapy or are simply uncomfortable talking about personal problems.
Is it the autism or just bad behavior? It’s hard to know for sure, but if you struggle with autism and discipline, we’re sharing 13 practical tips to teach you how to discipline an autistic child at home and in the classroom.
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When I first came across this image illustrating attention deficit symptoms in girls, I immediately found myself thinking more about stereotypes than disabilities. It’s what led me to write: Making Sense of Behavior: Girls, Boys, Attention Deficits and Stereotypes. And yet, I still find myself far more concerned with the way that adults tolerate (or don’t tolerate!) such behaviors than about the differences themselves. So when I discovered the counterpart to the original image, I went a little deeper. There are definitely differences in the way that boys and girls demonstrate attention deficits, and science backs this up. But when you look closely at this list for boys, you will recognize more aggressive behavior tendencies than on the list for girls, which brings me right back to square one. I believe that it is significantly less about the behaviors a child manifests and far more about the behaviors the adults in that child’s life will tolerate. Makes sense, doesn’t it? A child who daydreams is far less of a distraction than a child who is constantly hyperactive. It’s much easier to overlook clumsiness than extreme risk taking. This is why we continue to see a diagnosis rate for males over females of around 3:1. Let’s be honest – ok? Read the following sentence and then close your eyes and let yourself notice the first image that comes to mind: “That is a child with a diagnosed attention disorder." So, what was the image came to mind? A boy? A boy doing something “bad”? A particularly challenging male student in your classroom? It’s tough to confront the reality of our own biases, but in order to break the cycle and create change, we must first be honest with ourselves. Personally, I would start by changing the way we manage behavior in the classroom. I think chart systems are biased toward "female" behavior, not to mention the inherent shaming that comes along with such visible classroom management. What will you do? Be sure you never miss a post from Removing the Stumbling Block:
The effectiveness skill is a DBT mindfulness “how” skill that focuses on what works in a given situation, rather than focusing on rigid beliefs or emotions to work closer to a certain goal. This skill is about letting go of rigid thinking and having a more flexible and adaptive mindset. This is related to experiencing positive emotions — you feel good when you get things done intentionally and efficiently. The DBT Effectiveness Mindfulness "How" Skill handout starts with a brief explanation of how the skill works and then provides a list of tips on getting things done. At the bottom of the handout, clients can explore more strategies to practice effectiveness. This includes being mindful of their thoughts, using radical acceptance, and noticing when they start feeling angry. This handout helps kids and teens focus on being truly effective by doing what works rather than what they prefer. For instance, your child can prepare a to-do list of their homework assignments, which aligns with their academic goals. Let them cross off completed tasks to reinforce the effectiveness of their approach. A helpful add-on is our DBT “How” Skills Worksheets, which include a 1-page effectiveness worksheet to support application of the skills from this handout. You can also purchase our DBT “How” Skills handout for a quick reference to all three mindfulness “how” skills. *This item is an instant digital download. A link to download your files will be emailed to you once payment is confirmed. Want more resources like this? Check out our full catalog of DBT worksheets and handouts. References: Friederichs, K. M., Jostmann, N. B., Kühl, J., & Baumann, N. (2023). The art of getting things done: Training affective shifting improves intention enactment. Emotion, 23(3), 651–663. https://doi.org/10.1037/emo0001128
Unless you are one of the lucky ones, it can seem damned near impossible to get a baby to sleep through the night. After gallons of tears and coffee, it can still feel like sleep is unattainable. No matter how you go about doing it, sleep is a struggle with babies. As for me, I...
5 steps to using positive discipline with toddlers. Empower them to change their behavior, not shame them or try to control them.
The Chain Analysis of Problem Behavior, or Behavior Chain Analysis, is a way to analyze a problematic behavior by looking at what caused it and then the consequences of it. This is my own interpretation and how I use it to help myself. I'm not a therapist but having gone through the process, I think I offer a unique perspective as to how this can be applied to your life and to the difficult situations you find yourself in. The BCA can do several things! - It can help us follow the process of how we cope with a specific event - It can help us analyze why we act the way we do - The BCA shows us how our behavior affects the short term and long term - It indicates what coping skills work best for us - It allows us to change our behavior and the way we react to stressful events When stressful things are happening, it often feels like they’re happening all at once. It’s hard to pull ourselves out of the moment and see how we got to where we are. That’s why the behavior chain analysis often happens after an event has already taken place. Sometimes the event is small like a disagreement with your partner, and other times it’s something big like relapsing or doing something self-destructive. The BCA lets you see the feelings and thoughts that lead you to that place so that you’ll hopefully be able to modify your behavior the next time you feel those things. I've found it super helpful for dealing with big problems and little problems and I hope it helps you too! Here's What's Inside! 🩷 27-page PDF (with a black and white version for easy printing!) 🩷 Behavior Chain Analysis 🩷 What is the Behavior Chain Analysis 🩷 How the BCA can help 🩷 A breakdown of each link in the chain 🩷 Examples on how to use it 🩷 Analyzing how each link relates to your life 🩷 7 Blank Behavior Chain Worksheets (2 pages each) for you to use during times of distress 📩 INSTANT DIGITAL DOWNLOAD: Immediately after your purchase, you'll receive a link to download your files your purchase can also be found right from your Etsy account in the "Purchases and Reviews" section. The Etsy App doesn't support digital downloads so make sure you're opening the links from your browser. 🖨️ You can download and print the workbook, or fill it out digitally on your computer or phone. Apps like XoDo or GoodNotes let you "write" on the PDF on your phone, making it accessible on the go. You can also have it printed at places like Staples or FedEx. 🔐 FOR PERSONAL USE ONLY: All materials and designs are © and property of Dominee Calderon at Self-Love Rainbow LLC. Not for resale or redistribution. You can purchase a Private Use License to use one-on-one with clients. https://selfloverainbow.etsy.com/listing/1169636940 🌈 I am not a mental health professional. These tools are crafted from personal experience and are meant to be used as a peer-to-peer resource. They are not a replacement for professional advice and I always recommend working with a therapist if possible! 🧾REFUND POLICY: Refunds can only be offered if the digital files have not been downloaded. The workbook is in US Letter Size (8.5 x 11 inches) and PDF format.
Time out was a pretty normal thing at my house when I was growing up. For my older brother that is haha, jk jk. I'm sure I was a punk i...
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